Yes, I am calling for you...

Dear God,

As hard this may seem, but I really need you to help me out here.
The incessant calls and the endless worries is leading me nowhere. You realize what I am telling you?
This can be "to whomsoever this may concern", but I do hold on and pile together all my faith towards you. Mom had the faith and the trust. Even If I can show an iota of things she had, I might just graze through this phase.
I am not saying I am not worried, but deep deep somewhere I know it will be fine, and I will be good.
Yes, haha funny, I have the faith and the hope. In no crisis or critical situation, you are stealing it away from me.
I may be just as well standing with my hands stretched out to you or in this world, and I just believe you will not fail me this time around.
For the cheerful self, for the unlimited dreaming capacity, and for making it till here, you kinda owe me thee.
:)
Yes, I deserve it. Much more than anything else. Cos I have got myself till here, and done deeds that make things pretty much clear.
Don't fail me, please. And don't let the loved ones worry and brood about me. I will be fine, please tell them this. Please.

When the goin' gets tough...?

I have a thought. A thought that is whizzing around spherically, laterally, perpendicularly around my head since the past few weeks. There may have been a series of events that would have given birth to that very thought, the impression that this thought leaves behind is not very hooray-istic.
Remember when you read the last time how this and that event changed the whole being of that somebody, how this event made you sit back and ponder on things, you got certain things straight, you got all the wrong doings out, how you straightened the creases in your life on realizing that it is always crumbled around, and the likes. When was the last time you would have heard it? Yesterday, or higher chances are today.
I somehow have realised or have been thinking that this does not apply to me. I do not ever pull my socks, get focussed to do that certain thing, set a target for things-to-do, I am not a go-getter.
All these years and while I have been fooling myself (or may be right now, my thoughts are fooling me), that I am a go-getter. I get and achieve things that I wish or demand to have.
Materialistically yes, I do that. Financially, yes, I do that.
But I do not recollect that one moment that would have sent the whole principle book in my life, home.
That one moment wherein I would have cribbed in front of the mirror and set myself a target, and later on went ahead and achieved that.
I would have started a few diets, never reached till the end of it.
I let things go. I may be short tempered, but there is a certain laid back attitude to me.
Most of my managers have told me that I quit easily. Or rather, if I see a path that may look difficult or has not been untreaded, I let it be. I might be bloody good in walking and running on paths laid down for me, paths that assure me success, paths that seems bright and hopeful to me, but otherwise I let the other paths be.
Why do I do that? Why do I feel this?
I do like to the end of the day for projects I have started with enthusiasm, I have been known to have 1000 ideas of nothing, I do do think out of the box, but then this feeling of not working towards a particular something makes me feel a bit shallow within.
Like there is a way, there is a will somewhere, but somehow they do not work in sync.
Whenever I read about this nobody who became somebody in life, and how THAT ONE MOMENT made him/her realize what she wants to do, what he/she wishes to have, what he/she is looking forward to, I just feel empty.
I want that ONE MOMENT.
No rather, I would wish to act on that ONE moment.

Laid back, cool, lazy? What is it that is forbidding me?

Happy Birthday, Mom!!

It is the fourth year that I will be wishing you in the virtual space.
Dad probably doesn't even remember the day, or he pretends to have forgotten. We shall be celebrating in the evening. Sister might talk about it when we talk - the almost daily ritual of ISD calls!
It is so endearing to see how she has evolved from the role of being an elder sister to a half mom cum sister cum friend. What would I do without her?
Dad and I have got pretty close; not as close as you would have wished it to be , but believe me it is much more than anyone else could have ever imagined. I like the way he shows he cares, the sweet subtle way, which is so well hidden that you can hardly realize it :)
Many things have changed in the normal day-to-day lives of each one of us. The only constant companion never fails.
There are times when I get scared that I might forget how it was to have you around. There are times when I cannot shed a tear when I think about you. And there are times whenever I shed a tear I think about you not being around, and shed a few more. It is funny, this whole life death ritual! You know the whole incident has left such a dent in my brain and heart that I will have to lose all the near and dear ones, some day. I do not know whether that realisation has made me strong or weak. But, till date, I cannot fathom, at times, why you are not around.
'All good things happen for a reason' - the belief that has gone for a kick in my life, has off late started making its appearance here and there. Several pieces of the jigsaw puzzle may fit, someday, but you not being around will never ever fit, and that puzzle of my life shall always remain incomplete.
Whenever I hear people/sadhus/gurus/ and the likes talking about how death comes only when one is prepared or only when one has so much love for god and the likes that cutting the thread tying them to the societal pleasures is possible. I wonder why you easily cut the thread bonding the us. You were the strong fibre that quilted the whole fabric of our family. But somehow, even after 3 years, the fabric has remained intact. Somehow that makes me feel, the fibre  - the bond, you created is still there. The love persists. The blood remains as thick as ever. The hope, the faith, it is all there. Me and sister many a times wonder, how after things going pretty wrong in our lives, still have these two factors intact!
I can never not stop crying when I see or hear a good deed done by anyone's mom. I always feel poor in front of everyone who has a mom. I know I am being stupid and crazy, but I need some more time to get over the whole episode.
You know, sometimes I feel will you saying a "bye" to me would have made things different?
I really think I will not be able to gauge an answer for that, like ever.
All I know is, we have been to places, time has been passing us all by, seasons are changing, we all are ageing. Amidst all this so-normal things happening in life, today is just another day.
And this being your birthday, I wish you are having fun, wherever you are.
It may seem that it is taking time for me to get over you, but believe me, I have stopped the silliness wherein on this day I used to text random people happy birthday in the hope that somewhere you might be reading or listening. Foolish me now realizes that you are always listening to me or feeling me when I am trying to reach out to you. Probably not hugging me in flesh or giving me your lap for comfort, but even the thin air around me holds your warmth. I know that, no matter how little it may be, now.
There are times when I feel good and a little proud to have come out of the whole thing, and standing here today, dry eyed! I have a long way to go Mom, and probably I will always feel your void, but in the best strong possible way I can, I will do it!
I, on behalf, of all the earthlings who were associated with you and loved you, wish you a very happy birthday, Mom!!
Have a fun-filled rocking birthday :)

The pink ribbon!

Things do not repel me easily. Or so I think. Bloody images, nasty scenes do not bring out a shriek or "oh my god" outta me, easily.
But just googling cancer images has left me speechless. Such gory images, such an ugly face this disease has!
I have a few close people who have been inflicted by this nasty disease...and after years of treatment and medications, they are still fighting against the disease.
I have known cancer as an "interesting field for study."  When I did my bit to eradicate cancer during my post graduation studies, I felt proud. The published papers and the dead mice played an unpleasant game in my mind, and each time I did something good (or so I felt) I used to feel I am just repaying the debt I own to the mice I killed!
No matter the available research, the literature, the disease remains yet to be eradicated. The chemotherapy kills the inflicted person. The side effects and the pain are so unpleasant.
It is not the cancer awareness month or anything, but I so am planting a pink ribbon on my dress today.
Dear God, do not spread this disease or the tumour. 

She spoke to herself after a long time. Amidst the chaos of work and people belonging to her social circles, she did not get much time. However, when she spoke it was just like yesterday. Contrastingly, she had changed a lot. The list that she thought was long, the demands that she knew she will make of, the ideas and beliefs she had had, were all gone. Not from her world, but from the long list of "wanna have."  She might would not have changed as a person, but the inner child within seems to have matured. The fairy tale and the fantasy world seem to have being a mirage.
She tries putting a strong face in front of the world, she tries not to sigh or pity for being different and yet so similar to the other species of the beings on this planet, and yet somewhere she regrets the difference. No matter how thin the line may be, it does exist. She did not ever complain to the almighty to keep her on the other side of the line, but today she might as well try.

SEVEN Years is a bit too much, isn't it??

As cheesey as it gets!

The newly married couple.
The similar profile pictures.
The change in status's an hour or so post the wedding.
The change in name on the girl's profile.
The travel and place updates from their honeymoonin' days!
The husband writing on the wife's wall...I Love You! And her replying me too, muah!!
URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ho hum!

She has a dream. A dream which is not too elusive nor too easy to interpret or get done with.
All the songs on the playlist titled "Bheege din" "Tanha raat" "Romantic numbers" "Goood moood"
bring some meaning in life, finally.
Not exactly, the word to word, verabtim, meaning....but the songs do come to life.
Not real life, but life that she knows, she understands.
These songs will hold true. They will hold meaning much more than she thought they will.
A tune which has been in mind, the words that have been plasted to her lips and mind, she knows how it feels...and then finally, one day, she will know what they mean.

Oh, the feeling!
At least then, she will stop nagging people with questions like "Who was the first person you thought about when you heard that song?" "Do you really think about him/her when you hear this particular song?"
And the likes.

So, what is your problem?

I know what is mine. Or least, I will like to pretend I do.
Especially, during those PMS days, (yes, god is a MAN), I clearly understand the innumerable things that are bothering me, and how even the tiniest of things like a toe stub makes me swear like enormous words.
The problem is, the soul that is unsatisfied.
I would drive a Maruti, and I would dream of a Merc.
I own a Nokia, and I would want a IPhone.
I read from a laptop, and I would want a Kindle.
I would have short hair, not to forget, wavy and thin, and like I will go bald morrow, and I would want long, straight, shiny, smooth hair.
I would be short, so short that I realize post 5 minutes than others that it is raining, and I would wanna be the first one to get wet.
I would be wearing lenses for proper vision, and I would want either laser-corrected eye sight or no specs at all.
I would be eating Pizza at California Pizza Kitchen at Lower Parel, and I would be dreaming about the Boston outlet at Prudential Towers.
I would be ordering Green Salad, and cursing the calorie count of Nachos with cheese dip.
I would realize I am planning to buy a house, and realize it is such a small one that I am thinking about, I should have been thinking of a villa or a castle...oh the little me.
The problem isn't that I am unsatisfied, the problem is I DREAM BIG!!

I mean, c'mon how many of us would be or can be like Shahrukh Khan. You know what I mean?
He starred in that song " Chaand Taare Tond Lau" and sang "Mein ban jau sabse bada..." And his wishes were fulfilled. And how. I do envy him for that whenever I hear that song.
But the point is, the problem is dreaming big.

If I were a cricketer, a normal Ranji playing cricketer, I would have wanted to be Sachin Tendulkar. I would have yearned and envied his fame, money, skills, and public image.
If I were an IT person, I would have wanted to be Narayan Murthy.
If I were to be a doctor, I would have wanted to be a Naresh Trehan or Ramakant Panda.
If I were to be a journalist, a normal weekly newspaper ka journalist, I would have yearned to be Burkha Dutt or Pranoy Roy.

This would always keep me unhappy, always make me feel like I should ask for more.
I mean I am at the wrong side of 25, I am achieving and slowly climbing the corporate ladder, I am doing a bit to give back to the community and stuff, but I am still not there.
I dreamt BIG, HUGE, MAMMOTH stuff.
I dreamt or yearned to do a lot of things, achieve fame and fortune in each of them.
It is not like a jack of all, master of none, but there has to be atleast something that I can look back and feel, I did pretty good out there. I do not know, is it so wrong to dream big? I do not wish to be the oridinary 9 to 5 working professional, who comes home, cooks, sleeps, prepares for the next day, works like an ass, gets a good appreciation or two, and the cycle continues. I want more, little bit more. I wanna do much beyond the stated limit. Not professionally, but even otherwise.

Frankly, knowing the health conditions that I have surpassed over the period of time, I do feel proud of doing things that I have done, but I crib with the idea that I was not the cream layer of things that God selected or created.
I would have loved to be there.
You know, being there, doing that.

This thought, does not come often. But when it does it kinda slides across the very being and leaves me with a question mark.
So many ideas, so many plans...

Working for an NGO, making a documentary showing things that matter to me, learning different varied things, working in a orphan house, animal shelter, old age home, earning enough to give to charity, do my bit for neuro specialty, help deaf people, learn more about research done on deafness, put my degree to better use, participate in theatre, karaoke, and the list goes on.

All I wish is that this sojourn on the earth, though filled with endless health complications, endless problems on the social and professional front, does not snatch away from me my main purpose of being here. And I feel, a strong gutsy way, that I am here to do much more than what I am doing.
May be I have started in a teeny weeny way, may be I am exploring the right avenues, I really do not know, but I have a strong faith and hope, that someday I will reach there.
Till then, yes there is a problem or there are problems, but indeed there is light at the end of the tunnel.
So, dream big, shall we? 

Ok, I am getting obssessed about "this"!
A wise person once told me, only when and if you get obsessed about "it" ... "it" will happen!
Is this "the" time!!?!