World as eye see it

Yes, I am calling for you...

2012-01-27T05:53:00.002-05:00

Dear God,

As hard this may seem, but I really need you to help me out here.
The incessant calls and the endless worries is leading me nowhere. You realize what I am telling you?
This can be "to whomsoever this may concern", but I do hold on and pile together all my faith towards you. Mom had the faith and the trust. Even If I can show an iota of things she had, I might just graze through this phase.
I am not saying I am not worried, but deep deep somewhere I know it will be fine, and I will be good.
Yes, haha funny, I have the faith and the hope. In no crisis or critical situation, you are stealing it away from me.
I may be just as well standing with my hands stretched out to you or in this world, and I just believe you will not fail me this time around.
For the cheerful self, for the unlimited dreaming capacity, and for making it till here, you kinda owe me thee.
:)
Yes, I deserve it. Much more than anything else. Cos I have got myself till here, and done deeds that make things pretty much clear.
Don't fail me, please. And don't let the loved ones worry and brood about me. I will be fine, please tell them this. Please.

When the goin' gets tough...?

2012-01-23T01:24:00.001-05:00

I have a thought. A thought that is whizzing around spherically, laterally, perpendicularly around my head since the past few weeks. There may have been a series of events that would have given birth to that very thought, the impression that this thought leaves behind is not very hooray-istic.
Remember when you read the last time how this and that event changed the whole being of that somebody, how this event made you sit back and ponder on things, you got certain things straight, you got all the wrong doings out, how you straightened the creases in your life on realizing that it is always crumbled around, and the likes. When was the last time you would have heard it? Yesterday, or higher chances are today.
I somehow have realised or have been thinking that this does not apply to me. I do not ever pull my socks, get focussed to do that certain thing, set a target for things-to-do, I am not a go-getter.
All these years and while I have been fooling myself (or may be right now, my thoughts are fooling me), that I am a go-getter. I get and achieve things that I wish or demand to have.
Materialistically yes, I do that. Financially, yes, I do that.
But I do not recollect that one moment that would have sent the whole principle book in my life, home.
That one moment wherein I would have cribbed in front of the mirror and set myself a target, and later on went ahead and achieved that.
I would have started a few diets, never reached till the end of it.
I let things go. I may be short tempered, but there is a certain laid back attitude to me.
Most of my managers have told me that I quit easily. Or rather, if I see a path that may look difficult or has not been untreaded, I let it be. I might be bloody good in walking and running on paths laid down for me, paths that assure me success, paths that seems bright and hopeful to me, but otherwise I let the other paths be.
Why do I do that? Why do I feel this?
I do like to the end of the day for projects I have started with enthusiasm, I have been known to have 1000 ideas of nothing, I do do think out of the box, but then this feeling of not working towards a particular something makes me feel a bit shallow within.
Like there is a way, there is a will somewhere, but somehow they do not work in sync.
Whenever I read about this nobody who became somebody in life, and how THAT ONE MOMENT made him/her realize what she wants to do, what he/she wishes to have, what he/she is looking forward to, I just feel empty.
I want that ONE MOMENT.
No rather, I would wish to act on that ONE moment.

Laid back, cool, lazy? What is it that is forbidding me?

Happy Birthday, Mom!!

2011-12-30T00:25:00.001-05:00

It is the fourth year that I will be wishing you in the virtual space.
Dad probably doesn't even remember the day, or he pretends to have forgotten. We shall be celebrating in the evening. Sister might talk about it when we talk - the almost daily ritual of ISD calls!
It is so endearing to see how she has evolved from the role of being an elder sister to a half mom cum sister cum friend. What would I do without her?
Dad and I have got pretty close; not as close as you would have wished it to be , but believe me it is much more than anyone else could have ever imagined. I like the way he shows he cares, the sweet subtle way, which is so well hidden that you can hardly realize it :)
Many things have changed in the normal day-to-day lives of each one of us. The only constant companion never fails.
There are times when I get scared that I might forget how it was to have you around. There are times when I cannot shed a tear when I think about you. And there are times whenever I shed a tear I think about you not being around, and shed a few more. It is funny, this whole life death ritual! You know the whole incident has left such a dent in my brain and heart that I will have to lose all the near and dear ones, some day. I do not know whether that realisation has made me strong or weak. But, till date, I cannot fathom, at times, why you are not around.
'All good things happen for a reason' - the belief that has gone for a kick in my life, has off late started making its appearance here and there. Several pieces of the jigsaw puzzle may fit, someday, but you not being around will never ever fit, and that puzzle of my life shall always remain incomplete.
Whenever I hear people/sadhus/gurus/ and the likes talking about how death comes only when one is prepared or only when one has so much love for god and the likes that cutting the thread tying them to the societal pleasures is possible. I wonder why you easily cut the thread bonding the us. You were the strong fibre that quilted the whole fabric of our family. But somehow, even after 3 years, the fabric has remained intact. Somehow that makes me feel, the fibre - the bond, you created is still there. The love persists. The blood remains as thick as ever. The hope, the faith, it is all there. Me and sister many a times wonder, how after things going pretty wrong in our lives, still have these two factors intact!
I can never not stop crying when I see or hear a good deed done by anyone's mom. I always feel poor in front of everyone who has a mom. I know I am being stupid and crazy, but I need some more time to get over the whole episode.
You know, sometimes I feel will you saying a "bye" to me would have made things different?
I really think I will not be able to gauge an answer for that, like ever.
All I know is, we have been to places, time has been passing us all by, seasons are changing, we all are ageing. Amidst all this so-normal things happening in life, today is just another day.
And this being your birthday, I wish you are having fun, wherever you are.
It may seem that it is taking time for me to get over you, but believe me, I have stopped the silliness wherein on this day I used to text random people happy birthday in the hope that somewhere you might be reading or listening. Foolish me now realizes that you are always listening to me or feeling me when I am trying to reach out to you. Probably not hugging me in flesh or giving me your lap for comfort, but even the thin air around me holds your warmth. I know that, no matter how little it may be, now.
There are times when I feel good and a little proud to have come out of the whole thing, and standing here today, dry eyed! I have a long way to go Mom, and probably I will always feel your void, but in the best strong possible way I can, I will do it!
I, on behalf, of all the earthlings who were associated with you and loved you, wish you a very happy birthday, Mom!!
Have a fun-filled rocking birthday :)

The pink ribbon!

2011-12-26T00:12:00.001-05:00

Things do not repel me easily. Or so I think. Bloody images, nasty scenes do not bring out a shriek or "oh my god" outta me, easily.
But just googling cancer images has left me speechless. Such gory images, such an ugly face this disease has!
I have a few close people who have been inflicted by this nasty disease...and after years of treatment and medications, they are still fighting against the disease.
I have known cancer as an "interesting field for study." When I did my bit to eradicate cancer during my post graduation studies, I felt proud. The published papers and the dead mice played an unpleasant game in my mind, and each time I did something good (or so I felt) I used to feel I am just repaying the debt I own to the mice I killed!
No matter the available research, the literature, the disease remains yet to be eradicated. The chemotherapy kills the inflicted person. The side effects and the pain are so unpleasant.
It is not the cancer awareness month or anything, but I so am planting a pink ribbon on my dress today.
Dear God, do not spread this disease or the tumour.

2011-12-14T04:26:00.001-05:00

She spoke to herself after a long time. Amidst the chaos of work and people belonging to her social circles, she did not get much time. However, when she spoke it was just like yesterday. Contrastingly, she had changed a lot. The list that she thought was long, the demands that she knew she will make of, the ideas and beliefs she had had, were all gone. Not from her world, but from the long list of "wanna have." She might would not have changed as a person, but the inner child within seems to have matured. The fairy tale and the fantasy world seem to have being a mirage.
She tries putting a strong face in front of the world, she tries not to sigh or pity for being different and yet so similar to the other species of the beings on this planet, and yet somewhere she regrets the difference. No matter how thin the line may be, it does exist. She did not ever complain to the almighty to keep her on the other side of the line, but today she might as well try.

2011-12-14T04:12:00.002-05:00

SEVEN Years is a bit too much, isn't it??

As cheesey as it gets!

2011-12-14T04:10:00.001-05:00

The newly married couple.
The similar profile pictures.
The change in status's an hour or so post the wedding.
The change in name on the girl's profile.
The travel and place updates from their honeymoonin' days!
The husband writing on the wife's wall...I Love You! And her replying me too, muah!!
URGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ho hum!

2011-11-08T04:43:00.000-05:00

She has a dream. A dream which is not too elusive nor too easy to interpret or get done with.
All the songs on the playlist titled "Bheege din" "Tanha raat" "Romantic numbers" "Goood moood"
bring some meaning in life, finally.
Not exactly, the word to word, verabtim, meaning....but the songs do come to life.
Not real life, but life that she knows, she understands.
These songs will hold true. They will hold meaning much more than she thought they will.
A tune which has been in mind, the words that have been plasted to her lips and mind, she knows how it feels...and then finally, one day, she will know what they mean.

Oh, the feeling!
At least then, she will stop nagging people with questions like "Who was the first person you thought about when you heard that song?" "Do you really think about him/her when you hear this particular song?"
And the likes.

So, what is your problem?

2011-11-05T14:17:00.000-04:00

I know what is mine. Or least, I will like to pretend I do.
Especially, during those PMS days, (yes, god is a MAN), I clearly understand the innumerable things that are bothering me, and how even the tiniest of things like a toe stub makes me swear like enormous words.
The problem is, the soul that is unsatisfied.
I would drive a Maruti, and I would dream of a Merc.
I own a Nokia, and I would want a IPhone.
I read from a laptop, and I would want a Kindle.
I would have short hair, not to forget, wavy and thin, and like I will go bald morrow, and I would want long, straight, shiny, smooth hair.
I would be short, so short that I realize post 5 minutes than others that it is raining, and I would wanna be the first one to get wet.
I would be wearing lenses for proper vision, and I would want either laser-corrected eye sight or no specs at all.
I would be eating Pizza at California Pizza Kitchen at Lower Parel, and I would be dreaming about the Boston outlet at Prudential Towers.
I would be ordering Green Salad, and cursing the calorie count of Nachos with cheese dip.
I would realize I am planning to buy a house, and realize it is such a small one that I am thinking about, I should have been thinking of a villa or a castle...oh the little me.
The problem isn't that I am unsatisfied, the problem is I DREAM BIG!!

I mean, c'mon how many of us would be or can be like Shahrukh Khan. You know what I mean?
He starred in that song " Chaand Taare Tond Lau" and sang "Mein ban jau sabse bada..." And his wishes were fulfilled. And how. I do envy him for that whenever I hear that song.
But the point is, the problem is dreaming big.

If I were a cricketer, a normal Ranji playing cricketer, I would have wanted to be Sachin Tendulkar. I would have yearned and envied his fame, money, skills, and public image.
If I were an IT person, I would have wanted to be Narayan Murthy.
If I were to be a doctor, I would have wanted to be a Naresh Trehan or Ramakant Panda.
If I were to be a journalist, a normal weekly newspaper ka journalist, I would have yearned to be Burkha Dutt or Pranoy Roy.

This would always keep me unhappy, always make me feel like I should ask for more.
I mean I am at the wrong side of 25, I am achieving and slowly climbing the corporate ladder, I am doing a bit to give back to the community and stuff, but I am still not there.
I dreamt BIG, HUGE, MAMMOTH stuff.
I dreamt or yearned to do a lot of things, achieve fame and fortune in each of them.
It is not like a jack of all, master of none, but there has to be atleast something that I can look back and feel, I did pretty good out there. I do not know, is it so wrong to dream big? I do not wish to be the oridinary 9 to 5 working professional, who comes home, cooks, sleeps, prepares for the next day, works like an ass, gets a good appreciation or two, and the cycle continues. I want more, little bit more. I wanna do much beyond the stated limit. Not professionally, but even otherwise.

Frankly, knowing the health conditions that I have surpassed over the period of time, I do feel proud of doing things that I have done, but I crib with the idea that I was not the cream layer of things that God selected or created.
I would have loved to be there.
You know, being there, doing that.

This thought, does not come often. But when it does it kinda slides across the very being and leaves me with a question mark.
So many ideas, so many plans...

Working for an NGO, making a documentary showing things that matter to me, learning different varied things, working in a orphan house, animal shelter, old age home, earning enough to give to charity, do my bit for neuro specialty, help deaf people, learn more about research done on deafness, put my degree to better use, participate in theatre, karaoke, and the list goes on.

All I wish is that this sojourn on the earth, though filled with endless health complications, endless problems on the social and professional front, does not snatch away from me my main purpose of being here. And I feel, a strong gutsy way, that I am here to do much more than what I am doing.
May be I have started in a teeny weeny way, may be I am exploring the right avenues, I really do not know, but I have a strong faith and hope, that someday I will reach there.
Till then, yes there is a problem or there are problems, but indeed there is light at the end of the tunnel.
So, dream big, shall we?

2011-10-23T11:48:00.003-04:00

Ok, I am getting obssessed about "this"!
A wise person once told me, only when and if you get obsessed about "it" ... "it" will happen!
Is this "the" time!!?!

2011-10-23T10:33:00.000-04:00

All that she wished for came knocking at her door.
Either she did not hear the knock or she did not know how to open the doors.
The former and not the latter however seems plausible.
Either which ways, whichever which ways, the loss is hers.
Totally.

Duh

2011-10-22T05:54:00.000-04:00

Dear Boy,
When I ask you "Any good girls around?" I do not literally mean that you start praising the n number of females around you.

Sincerely,
The Girl!

Goal!

2011-10-17T01:40:00.000-04:00

A friend recently said the goal was "Car" at 25...fulfilled a year later.
Another one said, "Marry at 27" fulfilled 6 months later.
Yet another not-so-friend said, "See 10 states/2+ countries" till 25....fulfilled, much more than the aim.

I sit and ponder, what was mine?
Good education, good degree, good job, tons of money, car?
Where was the goal? What was the line? Or the thin line between goal and achievements has been so blur that I never saw it?
Heck!
Ok, so I have written down a few things I should have achieved by 30 (now, I can't do for 25 :( )
And let's hope that that goal setting (howmuch ever materialistic or monetary it seems) helps me in ways more than one.

You know?

2011-10-10T00:14:00.001-04:00

That one person in your life, whom you meet whenever and wherever and you can laugh your heart out. Forget your sorrows and stress. And probably not even think about them at the tiniest little corner of your mind. With whom you can be crazy, careless, demanding and giving, and talk non-stop. No matter the time of day, month or year, the mode of communication, the awesomeness exist everywhere. You (or in my case I) do not think about what will happen when this will end, or when we shall depart or our ways will no longer be the same. You are just recklessly, carelessly enjoying the time.

Yes, I do have such a friend. :)

And more often than not, that friend is not your boyfriend!

What silver spoon?

2011-10-08T06:12:00.002-04:00

Whenever I think of the poor days that I have had, I feel...??

Poor days?

Not entering Sephora cos I knew that I would not be able to buy those products while being a student.

When taking a cab was never an option, no matter the miles that I had to walk in the snow!

Yes, I have been through some of these days. And they make me realize how happy and rich (if I may say) I am now. Compared to those days, yes I am rich.

But then, each of us, have had their share of poor days.

I remember travelling in buses as a kid was such a regular affair for us. And in some tenth standard I specifically remember meeting a guy who said he has not yet travelled in buses. That time it hit me, oh may be he is rich. Material wise I never compared the number of toys I had and how much my neighbour did, but later when it dawned on me, I realized oh may be she can afford all that and much more. My first hand held game was a simple tennis one shaped like a robot, what a prized possession it was to me. By the time I got my first one, I remember my friends in the building had got their 2 or 3rd. But that never made me unhappy. We never felt bad or incomplete if we did not have all the things someone else did. I had never travelled in the AC compartment of an outstation train till I was like 14. I used to observe if a person carried the shopping bag of a branded store!
These days actually do not make me cry, they make me feel proud of my humble beginnings. Belonging to a middle class family has its own perks. I really would wanna instill all of these humbleness that I have in the next generation. I do not know how kids today may react if they would not get a toy they want or if their parents are riding a car they do not like (believe me, all kids today recognise brand of cars within a second!), but if I were to teach these kids one thing that would be how to be satisfied and happy all the time.
It is like you can live with a million rupees a day but you can also live and be happy with a 1000. Today, I may be spending w/o noticing my credit card bill, and the likes, but somewhere I know, I can live even without all these expenditures. I travel in buses as easily as I travel in an SX4. So, yes, I do crib that the AC in my room doesn't give me a full blast like the office one, I crib that train travelling is too hot and messy, and I crib that seats in a theatre are not too comfortable and not worth the money I paid, but even with these cribbings there is no string attached, wherein I yell, ye toh hona hi chahiye!! No, boss, nothing chahiye types here!
Yes, one would wanna spoil their kids with all things material and all latest stuff, but along with that tell them, teach them of how you came up in your life, if you are those not born with a silver spoon kinds. And how good it is to be humble and well grouded.

I love that combination, oh, I love myself :)

:|

2011-10-07T04:20:00.001-04:00

One of those days, when you feel like crying, for god knows what reason...and tears elude your eyes and self.
You feel sucked out and dry.

:| Damn you, hormones!!

Just in...

2011-10-05T05:44:00.003-04:00

Her: You are an eco maniac with all your smoking
Him: You are the inspiration behind twin beds!!

ROFL!!!

ROFL

2011-10-05T01:31:00.001-04:00

So, are you gonna use the tool?? :P

Moments

2011-10-02T01:33:00.000-04:00

Those sparing moments of clarity she yearns for.
Though they are far and few, she simply adores whenever they come.
But they leave her with thoughts of how foolish she had been. How ignorant and stupid.

Blush blush

2011-09-26T08:12:00.003-04:00

How many, no really, how many of you females out here have got this...

"I want a male version of you"

from your BFFs or FFs...
???

I have got quite a many of those...
And unfortunately, the ratio of getting this line from the female sex is not equally proportionate with the male sex.

But even then, life is good.

:)

2011-09-17T14:01:00.002-04:00

I decided not to tell the world. I succeeded.
Since I made my words swear to secrecy.

Happenings

2011-09-15T06:39:00.001-04:00

So many things to do...so little time...
So, I wanna blog often and update the dear page regularly...but I ain't doing that.
Too much chaotic work days, a very very busy personal life, people coming in with long over due notices, people moving out with the blink of an eye!
I have been away for a while now, missed putting my points in perspective.
I celebrated my birthday in style, missed ranting about things that I missed out on and displaying the array of gifts I received.
Too much happening professionally; not the right time or place to rant about it.
Too little happening with too much of force personally; planning to rant about it soon :)
The sibling is here :) With her around I can't even imagine how life moves on without her around!!
I have been attending hour and day long talking sessions...(read: conferences); they amuse me for a few hours and then I get back to a blank state. But I love the few hours that it keeps me at the edge of my seat :) I can't even wait for the speaker to tell "Questions?!" I simply jump with joy :) I have always have had so many...though I do end up blushing and making a fool by asking some cheesey ones.
I ended my association with the library that I had joined :( Yes, I do not HAVE TIME to read. :( Only good thing is, this shall give me time to pick up the unread books lying at home. Cos technically, I can't keep self away from books for long. However, on an altogether different note, these books might be academic ones with some new developments :D

That's it for now.
I have been tweeting regularly now, and I just wonder why did I keep self away from there for so long. It is engaging. And fun. I missed it.

2011-08-26T03:58:00.001-04:00

Its August :)
End of the month :)
No it ain't the sales and discounts baby...

Its my birthday that comes...

HEEEEHawwww

Do not GLOAT!

2011-08-25T01:23:00.000-04:00

Just like that...while traveling some two days back, I gloated over the fact that how I have never lost a cell phone or wallet!! And guess what? I am not finding my library book since that day. Orhan Pamuk :(

I called them today and confessed the misplacing of the book and promised I will replace the book.

But then, like a strict teacher, they told me I gotta go there fill in some forms, finish all the legal formalities and then they will decide what to do next with the "crime"

Well, well...

Lesson learnt: Do not ever gloat about things...life comes back to you at a full circle!! :'(

2011-08-24T06:48:00.000-04:00

He shyingly offered her his umbrella. She refused, or rather pretended she did not see the offer. So more silently and coyingly he moved an inch closer to her and covered her under his umbrella. The rain was not falling eloquently, but just enough to wet each one. With each step that she took, he moved step by step in the same direction. Ofcourse, he did not let a drop of water fall on her. Though through a side glance she noticed, the edge of the umbrella was almost over his back so drops of water trickling down the umbrella were finally resting on his shirt and making it wet. She could not refuse the unnamed and unsaid offer, but was grinning somewhere by the gentleman'ish touch.

Today, she returned the favour. She feels proud.

2011-08-23T05:48:00.001-04:00

I worry that the path I have worked so hard to finally get on is the one that will take me furthest away from where I actually wanna be (Postsecret)
Its not faith, if you use your eyes!
How terrible it is to love someone that death can touch!

Doc, how much this costs?

2011-08-21T12:49:00.002-04:00

This post on hospital charges and the awareness that doctors have about it, brings forward several questions from the Indian hospitals POV.

The author talks about how hospitalists are clueless about the charges levied for several tests, the cost of bed, treatments charges, etc. And, what I found interesting is, all the hospitalists think differently about charges.

I strongly feel that the scenario is India is different. The main reason being people are skeptical to visit hospitals and doctors. The emergence and trust that people in the rural area have on Ayurved doctors and vaids is one of the reasons. They charge less, do not inject, and can speak in a language they can understand. This is a major hurdle for certain treatments to reach to them. Doctors in India are aware of the illiterate mass of the country, and they try their best to educate and make them understand of what services they are gonna offer them. Doctors and care takers in India are aware of the cost and the way the treatment might affect the patient pockets. If health insurance were to permeate the population faster and deeper, the scenario might change. But currently, yes, Indian doctors are aware of what they might be charging the patient, and the reasons being:

- We have a larger base of self-pay patients. When the patient is paying on his own, the doctor probably, thinks twice before asking him to undergo certain tests which can be cut out, more so in cases when the patient is from a middle-class family or poor.

- When the patient is hospitalised under the cashless treatment {I have experienced this} the doctors and the nurses beside the patient order medicine, drugs and the equipment in amounts more than absolutely essential. The reason being, they know the patient is not paying from his pocket, these equipment and medicine are covered under his insurance, and this also keeps the doctor in charge a bit at ease about thinking what he needs to cut down on, or whether a low-costing drug is essential?
Example: The recklessness {might be a harsh word} shown during the experience that I am talking about, made the pharmacy bill so huge. Nurses who came in to give medicine time-to-time prescribed them in packs more than required. If they could not locate one pill, they would immediately order another. By the end of the hospital stay I had a stackful of packs wherein only one pill was used, and were not even required nomore. This shows, that they know what the cost of pharmacy supplies is, and somehow they were at ease due to the cashless tag on my file.

- Another good case in point. While admitting my dad for a surgery recently, the doctor in charge advised us to go for a class which was not expensive as the deluxe one and she went on to explain that the difference in services was not much, and even how much better is a room with a bed of two. This shows, the expert doc was not only aware of the costs, but also the difference offered in services. I was really impressed by this particular situation.

- Doctors in hospitals, like the big ones such as Lilavati, Hinduja, Bombay hospital, are generally aware of how much the diagnostic tests cost. I have seen doctors announcing the cost of the test while prescribing the same to patients. This puts the patient at ease, he knows the doctor is definitely advising him something he knows the patient can afford and also that the doctor is very sure of what he is asking the patient to do.

This situation in the Indian hospitals and hospitalists will change to an extent only when health insurance further penetrates the population. People do stay away from hospitals due to huge bills that they might have to pay. Docs would become less aware of the costs only when some of these were to happen:

- When the mass would be more reachable to various treatments and care.

- When health would become a priority for the major part of the population, and people would be keeping a health budget in their yearly expenses.

- When people would look at health and medicines as a priority, they would not shun visiting doctors and hospitals with the fear of cost and hospital stays.

All in all, from what I am to believe, the quality of treatment is never compromised even in this situation. Doctors might consider giving a poor patient a low-cost drug, but he would definitely not skip the same. He may ask you to get a CT scan or MRI done from a government institute, but he would not ask you to skip the same altogether. There are several such institutes in Mumbai that I know of. Thus, the Indian doctor and hospitalists are aware of what they are charging, and it would be interesting to see how the scenario might change once health insurance seeps in, number of self-paying patients decrease, and once the ratio of doctor: patient reaches an unmanagable number.

Making sense out of sen(less)sex!

2011-08-19T00:27:00.000-04:00

In spite of dad benig involved in the stock market, I was always the clueless one when it came to stocks and trading. Sibling had her degree in finance, so they both gelled well when it came to finance talk.

All that mattered to me, when it came to money, was I have enough and the belief that I shall always have. So when I realized the funda of tax saving from my dad last year, I was enthralled by the idea. I started investing in funds and bonds and stuff. All this while, he is the one who has been investing for me in stocks. Now, I decided I wanna do it OMO!

So, I already have a demat account (I still do not know some finer nuances of the terminology though) and I logged in..made sense of the site within a couple of hours...irked the customer service reps with my silly doubts (they were good, blimey!) and finally, I started investing (really, that's a wrong term) in stocks.

I assigned a limit to the moolah I wanna spend in this trial and error phase. Well, I read the tips and tricks from the website and banks and ofcourse share brokers, and started buying stocks. Knowing that the healthcare and pharma sectors are doing well, a large chunk of my portfolio belongs to that sector.

So, I buy XYZ pharma...the CEO resigns the other day, and the share price swivels to the bottom. Dad says he knew about the move, had I asked him, he could have stopped me! So...umm..I stand at a loss..
Then, I bought this "STRONG RECOMMENDATION" from the demat account expert who writes on the bank's site. He predicted that I should hold on the stock for atleast 3 months..and my stock would reach a target price, which would give me a profit of minimum 20%. So, I bought the stock. I cannot predict the reason why, but since the day I have bought them, its been over 5 months now, the price is just going down and down! So, yes, loss!!
Then, (oh, i do not quit easily, do I?), the sibling had bought some 3000 shares of some IT company since she had received a "strong recommendation" (I am telling you they have a way with using "strong") on my behalf. These shares today stand at a loss of Rs. 6000, and the current market value is 0.3 paise. I keep them on "Sell" list everyday at a limit price, hoping the rate would go up by a paise or two...but they are just not getting outta of my portfolio. I know its a loss anyhow, but damn it, least gimme a better loss. Dad says they will get delisted very soon...so I should act, before making the loss as 100%!
Oh, so I invested in some IPO...I got some nice share of stock. Dad convinced me the price of such stocks tend to rise the day they go on market. And, oh yes, they have just hit air pockets!!
My portfolio reads all RED, except for the GOLD that I bought (oh, I do make some smart moves!). But this indeed is not a good start.
I am not too keen to label this "investmenting" in stock as a good thing. I believe invest is a dicey term to be used since one really needs to wait for a long time (in my case more than 6 months can also lead to no good profits!).
I can play poker, bet on horses, get involved in some black money trading, oh forex transfers, and lot more is there that I can do to get some quick buck (of course, its all dependent on my fortune though), but this thing has somehow caught my attention. I like making sense out of the senseless jargons that these experts use. They way they label things as "STRONG" buy, sell, or hold on..it really gives a life to the dead thing. I wonder how much more fun it would have been had the stocks not become paperless. I remember some lockers at home were filled with these papers, and I always asked dad why keep them in lockers. And he used to be like, oh you do not know their worth!
Chances are, I still do not. But may be this is what they call, getting addicted to the thing. Believe me, sensex is full of sense, and it gives me a sense of maturity that yeah am really thinking about the future!

Till then, happy trading!

2011-08-17T04:41:00.000-04:00

It doesn't even take less than 10 seconds for me to fume and get red over some petty issue, so much so that it spoils the more than 24-hour good mood of mine!

KapuTTT!!! Off goes the valve!

And you know the funniest thing, these petty issues are more often than not out of jealousy...out of sheer "not me :(", out of wanting more, out of "sigh! It was me!"

Yes, these are real real worse things to think of, and it doesn't take me long to put out a list of such in any body that I know.

So, when I realize my friend is in here, instead of there, I am J and red.
So, when A tells me B is going to XYZ, and B really wanted to go to XYZ, I feel J.
So, when she tells me she is making another you know...tour...I am all J.
So, when ABC buys DEF ... I am so so J.
So, yes life is good and easy. Things falls in place. Yes, they have had their share of things and troubles...but no, I am not here to see that.

Yes, I was there. Yes, I did that.
Yes, I am having and doing things on my list, then why the J!!

Why!?
IT ruins me to no end! It burns me cell by cell. Percolates within and gets me mad.
God, stop making me J. Stop making me feel, I didn't or don't.

You know, there is much to didn't or couldn't.
Have and Had are too heavy to outweigh. Sighs do not add, they always should be subtracted.

GET OVER IT WOMAN!!
You aint too shallow, or its not too late.

Fighter and me?

2011-08-17T02:02:00.000-04:00

I am talking about being a fighter for independence, for freedom..am I one?

Or am I like the many other fellow country mates..who do nothing other than being at the loudest during most of these conversations or being the most verbal and angry during them.

What exactly am I doing for doing my bit for this "so called second fight to independence"?

Ok, I may not be totally a believer of the methods that Anna Hazare is using to fight off the evil corrupted government and the babus...but in today's scenario if he is standing there and doing something to make things work, or probably provide us a possibility for corruption-free India...then why not? Corruption kills you and me alike, if you are living here in India you are paying more every month, every few weeks for the essential commodoties that you buy everyday.

Cases in point, Medicine. When my dad started taking this tablets for his BP, last November, the cost was some 74. Today, the pack costs 88.

Hike in fares for auto, taxi, bus, and trains.

Petrol. I do not need to say more.

Increase in Service tax and VAT at Restaurants.

Increase in healthcare costs. Thank god for the government rolling back some clauses laid down in the budget, otherwise treatment in AC hospitals would have reached roof.

The usual commodities, like food items and food grains, etc. I cannot comment much on here since I am not too aware about their price a few months back.

My maid keeps on complaining all the time that the cost of Kerosene is killing them. Since they cook food using kerosene, one can wonder their plight must be like. She had cried in front of me when the cost of onions had reached 40/kg. For them, onions is like staple food, and the government could do nothing to help these poor people for a long phase of time.

The number of farmers committing suicide haven't changed much, so am taking that for granted that the cost in harvest crops would not gone down for sure.

When we see the tax payers money go down in corruption, it irks you to the core. It is mine, and yours, hard earned money. Why should someone like Raja or Kalmadi fill their filthy pockets with my money?

The number of potholes in Mumbai has almost made everyone forget how it is to ride on a smooth pothole-free road. Why does this happen? Because the government, take the tax payers money, make huge contracts, and take some money back under the table. This ensures that the contractors use third-grade materials to make the roads, and even fill the pot holes.

You and I have all faced corruption at some stages of our lives. Be it while standing in lines for an admission form or bribing the traffic police at the signal.
So much have our lives been surrounded by corrupt people, that it is almost difficult to imagine how it must be to live in a corruption-free world.

And the icing of the cake is definitely the speech and statements made by the honourable prime minister, wherein he states that for such a fast growing economy not much can be done about corruption, or it is difficult to keep corruption down to zero, or fasting is not a way to have your way - graft a solution. If this Lokpal bill were passed, would there not be a solution. On hindsight, it may be far far away, but yes, we would have taken a step forward. I really wished he did not speak even during the I-day. I remember as a kid I used to long watching the parade on I-day and Republic day, and this time it was so disappointing.

Yes, disappointing, and many such adjectives I can add to the current state of my mind as I read, see, and hear about the ongoing agitations, fights, fast, arrests, and politics.

But what am I actually doing about it? Where are my cents? Here?

I literally mock my USA-based friends when they post comments on FB saying how they hate all this, and something needs to be done. I mock them because a status on FB would not make any difference. Something huge, something bigger and better is required from you, and me, to bring about a change.

Yes, my blood boils when I see how shallow this people are and can get. Yesterday while researching more about the emergency state that was laid in India, I was appalled by the type of politics played and shall be played again.

But what am I doing for it?
Twitter is filled with all the updates about the event. Morchas and large gatherings are happening at several places in Mumbai. People were asked to wear black bands to voice their protest.

Did I do anything of it?
No.

- I had a busy day at work.
- I had plans to meet a homoepath.
- I wanted to reach home on time to see Masterchef.

You see how shallow and meaningless these reasons are. I was too coward and lazy and just a couch bag when it came to go out there and do something.

Agreed, that this does not mean that I do not agree or think parallel like the people of India, but I somewhere feel I did let myself down.

I may be not be a patriot in the true sense. I will not go and yell at Morchas or may be even participate in a candle light vigil. What I see is, if I do, I do not make a much difference to myself. So as to where I would stand in the fight against the bad.

But, I really do not know whether I lack courage to stand and do something. Can the little being really do something? Would participating in a fast and morcha mean that I am a fighter for my rights? Yes, I wanna be the good in the good vs evil. But what exactly do I need to do to be the good. To let the people there know they have my support. Its definitely not a comment saying "I am there with you Annaji"
It is much larger, and may be I can begin at some ground level.

Just a thought, if I were born pre-independence, would I not have joined those freedom fights? The Dandi March, the Quit India movement? Would I be still writing letters back then and voicing my agitation?

Is there really a fighter within me?

2011-08-16T00:00:00.000-04:00

Dekhooo...
nadi ke kinare...

panchi pukare.....kissi panchi kooo....

Yes, I hear that...and it feels awesome...so light so very surreal :)
So very like the video that was shot...

2011-08-12T08:46:00.001-04:00

I thought I had an ugly nose. Until, I saw hers...

2011-08-05T00:08:00.000-04:00

She thought it will be almost a fairy tale. She had the faith. Then she realised, may be God is mocking her. How can she be so foolish, he must be wondering. Have not I taught her through my lessons of wisdom, that there is no hope, no faith, no power stronger than what I have, to that of control and change peoples' lives.

She understands. But may be its too late to gather the courage to accept that there is no faith or hope. She will live with or without it.

She still doesn't exactly know.

Do not!

2011-08-01T01:21:00.000-04:00

Come to me for advice.

You already are a loser since you are reaching out to people for advice.
More so, I find myself a loser at times, and what if you approach me at that very moment?

What I did with my life, my career may not mean anything to you. I have not treaded a conventional career path, and you will not have enough balls to do the same. Yes, I did work my ass off to give those bloody entrance exams and write those SOPs, and then hurray over the admission, and curse those foreigners for being so cruel to international students...but then, I have moved on. And its way too much to remember so much about the past. Its been like, what, 5 years! And, I don wanna think about it anymore.

My luck, life, and brains have followed different routes and exits, it has been difficult for me to travel with all of them together. But, you my dear friend, may not be the same.

Remember, Fountainhead? Howard Roark aptly says this..."If you want my advice, Peter, you've made a mistake already. By asking me. By asking anyone. Never ask people. Not about your work. Don't you know what you want? How can you stand it, not to know?"

So, there you go, you high school naive students. Go somewhere else. I am not giving you fokat ka advice, I am not any Karan Gupta (remember the guy, with a goatee, who hoarded study abroad columns, he was some Australian return I believe).

2011-07-29T05:42:00.000-04:00

Dear Mom,
No matter how huge the balance in bank account or fat my pay cheque gets, I will never be as rich as I would have been with you around.

I realize this each time I succeed monetarily. And then realize, the world is much richer than me. They always will be. The ones with Mom.

:(

2011-07-27T03:19:00.002-04:00

Dear God,

I am not shallow. I am not perfect, nor do I want perfect. But this, I am not too keen. Forgive me, if its a sin.

2011-07-26T03:08:00.001-04:00

Sin with your deed is better than sin with your heart. Period.

2011-07-25T01:02:00.000-04:00

You know it's funny. I never thought, even after the endless fights I have had with my best friend, that there would come a day when we both might not actually talk. I still would not say we are in that phase, but somehow I just realize, I probably stare at my phone once daily that she calls and tells whatever I wanna hear.

Or may be, we atleast continue the fight.

But you know, A told me, I should give her space and time. And probably not "interfere" much into her life now...hmm..

So its been a long time that we talked. I do not wish to lie by saying I do not think about her..but then, I guess, since I haven't yet picked up the phone, I have finally moved on, or learnt to get over this or her. She is burdened with responsibilities as it is, so may be I should take a step back.

And yes, I am happy about it.

:)

2011-07-25T00:55:00.000-04:00

This is not how I thought our lives would go and may be we cannot find our way out of this alley, but there is no one else I would rather be lost with.

Loved it :)
-via postsecret

2011-07-24T13:01:00.000-04:00

She wished to pour her heart out. When she did, a minute later she realizes may be she shouldn't have. But then, she always knew when in this position, she will. She is right to do so. She thinks she is, so she better be.

2011-07-22T02:07:00.000-04:00

Bells were ringing in my ear the other night.
I swear to God they were bells, like someone ringing gongs!!
I ain't kidding!
I couldn't sleep. Was wondering what is it? Turned on my grey cells so as to what disease/symptom this might be? Failed.
Talked to a friend, she told me I am crazy. Or may I should dig the deeper meaning of it. Not in the medical term.

2011-07-20T01:02:00.000-04:00

Speed dials # 2 and # 7 - you are DELETED!!!!

(not from the memories ofcourse, and the loser heart of mine somewhere still hopes that we can be friends, again, atleast??!!!)

Thankyou!

Do you read?

2011-07-19T07:01:00.004-04:00

At this phase of my life, while talking to strangers or some people whom I might have to befriend, it is not that difficult to pick up conversations. I mean, come on, having travelled so much, having met with people you would like to believe do not even belong to this world, keeping in touch with some snobbish friends because they were good to you once upon a time, and people with different cultures and traditions, you gotta talk to everybody at length. I for one, would get bored to be with somebody, by any stroke of luck that may be, wherein the other person doesn't talk. (Though my office colleagues might think am lying).
And indeed, if you have nothing else to talk, weather comes to rescue. So the question above; I am finding myself at the asking end of this open-ended question too often these days. Yes, so mostly people tell me they do not read. And I respond with, oh, I love reading! I read all types: fiction/non-fiction, all genre! Yes, i do like well read people. But then, what if s/he turns out to be those "well read" people whom I think I am not.

How?
Well, for starters, I read this post while going through IdeaSmithy's blog.
Interesting read, definitely.
So the question that pops up in my head is "Am I really into reading?" (may be its lingering around for long)

For starters, the school that I went to did not boast of a good big library. Well, my sibling did catch up on reading much before I did, but then I somehow do not remember being engrossed to any books other than Enid Blyton's as a kid. Slowly, the sibling moved to classics and talked about how wonderful the Queen's language is. I did not follow the passion, but when the conversation turned to books, I could participate. I would divulge into details. Then, the sibling started talking about how movies are been made out of books, and how she wishes to see this one and that one. So, I tried to follow up on the books before catching up the movie. And slowly, steadily, my "Read" shelf started increasing. I remember gifting the sibling a copy of Shakespeare's work on some 14th birthday. And I never have read that book, till date.

Yes, I am not a big Shakespeare fan. Give me some book that may hook me in other ways. I can follow and quote a few such classic quotes here and there, but nothing more. So, I have not ever read Hemingway or Cummings. (gasp?) There are a few of these classic authors who does grab my attention, but then my memory fails me time and again to remember some details unlike say any of the Stieg Larsson novels.

I have read most of the Agatha Christie novels. I had started some nice sci-fi books while in my first year college. I simply absolutely love Tintin and Archies. I love Enid Blyton, who was later replaced by Jeffrey Archer, PG Wodehouse, Robin Cook, Jane Austen, Erich Segal, Erle Stanley Gardner, Sidney Sheldon, and the likes. I also liked reading and even still would do, Tinkle, Champak, Chacha Chaudhroy. I flinch with the name of Nora Roberts or some of the Daniel Steel. AT times, even Indian authors fascinate me, though not all. I regularly update my shelves on goodreads and religiously review each book I read, more or less.
But now, I am just feeling that may be all this does not count as reading. I get hooked to Harukami and Pamuk the minute I start their books. I cherished reading Persepolis & Maus (the only graphic novels that I have). But may be, the real reader is someone who reads a lot. And understands classic, loves classic.

Greek mythology, Shakespearean stuff, you give them anything. They can remember the characters vividly. I cannot. If I were to be taken to an Opera for a date, or be at some book reading discussing "Classic English Literature" I would so miserably fail to gather the nuances of the show.

The sibling also feels the same. When she read "Snow", she said you woudn't like it. When she read "Kafka on the shore" she nodded her head the same way. When she read "Memoirs of Geisha" I was told the same. But surprisingly, all three of them fall in my "Like you very very much" shelf.

What if I were to met a well-read guy, who likes reading fiction too! (Well-read might just mean, read and liked stuff which I generally do not like or gather. The ones that are kinda a "MUST HAVE" on a book lover's shelf!) Will I find self questioning once again? Or the list of my "Read" and "To read" good?

For all that I may care, I am happy and suffice to know and understand the language. I still remember the joy of reading "Kafka on the shore" or "To kill a mockingbird" Such is the language. It evokes an emotion out of me, which I fail to describe in words (irony?). I love the feeling.

And to think about this, well, professionally, I have made a career in something that I love the most...Science and English :) So there, I am doing what I am liking, and I do not care (yes, yes..umm..i think, yes) whether I am "well-read" or not!

I never thought about all this, until I read that post, and I realized I have read, but may be I am not a girl who reads. May be, I am not girl who would wanna buy a book before buying clothes. May be, I would never exchange my wardrobe space for books.

But may be, I will be the girl smelling the pages of a yellow book. May be, I am the girl who is reading books at a coffee shop, in a crowded Mumbai local, and in the auto if light permits. May be, I am the girl who might name my kids weird, may be, just may be, the nick names I keep for people I love are characters etched in my mind via some literary help. (PS: Jessie Kovats, Richard Kane, Lisbeth, Mitch Mcdeere, and Nandini)

Bombay

2011-07-14T10:02:00.000-04:00

Yeah, we were bombed. Again.

And since my workplace is very near to the blast site, I was flooded with concerned near and dear ones' calls and texts.

I hate the spirit of Mumbai, we just bounce back to no matter what all you give us.

Those cowards killing innocents, deserve hell.

I do not know, what else to say. I am kinda in an awkward mode.

PS: Would I be too shallow, if I were to think that people/friends/near ones who didn't call or enquire about my well-being yesterday, ummm....are kinda too busy to care? Was tis a reality check?

Hell, its back!

2011-07-05T06:09:00.000-04:00

- The feeling of feeling you should have kept in touch.

- The J factor seeping in! You tell yourself, stop, its your friend, but it just shrugs and goes deep within.

- That feeling of being contacted by someone with whom you had lost touch eons ago. You do not know whether to feel the glee, or flee from the moment!

2011-06-30T00:41:00.000-04:00

Dear Mom,
It took me three years to kneel and pray again. To have faith. To ask. To receive. Yes, I prayed to "your" god today. And I do not know when he will be "my" god.

How ironic is it that I chose today to be that day!
And yes, I still believe you are there with him.

Miss you,your lap, and the cotton of your sari.

Confrontation

2011-06-29T00:46:00.000-04:00

So, she finally asked her, not being able to withstand the numerous questions in her head, she finally worked on solving her own misery.

"Why do you always go out with the wrong and bad men?"

--> "Cos sin tastes best on the lips, than anywhere else!"

The mighty might!

2011-06-27T03:05:00.000-04:00

He might not be the tall dark handsome.
He might not be well read, based on your standards.
His conversations might not be that intellectually stimulating.
He might not be the brightest of the kids in school, not one of the top rankers like may be you were.
He might not have a huge herd of friends having similar interests as you.
He might not like dancing, singing, both of them together, or either of them too much.
He might not even be a bathroom singer.
He might not have any hobbies per se, or even excel in anything in particular.
He might would not have seen places or worse still, might not like travelling as much you.
He might not have taste buds that he would wish to tickle every now and then, like you.
He might not like long drives, or worse still, he might not know driving!
He might snore at night, or worse still can't sleep when you snore!
He might not have a GREAT sense of humour, or may be forgets to laugh at yours.

But may be, you will still like him. You will still find solace when in his company. May be, you will be happy with things. May be, you will find the incompleteness complete. May be, you did not really actually expect so much. May be, you realize, he is the metaphor called life, as real as it gets.

He might not know horse riding, but one day you will still see your knight in shining armour coming sitting over one. And that day, all the mighty mights would lose all the weight.

2011-06-25T15:53:00.000-04:00

She is lying to me. No, she is hiding it from me. Why in the right mind would she ever ever do that? I just cannot fathom it!!

With Mom gone, it just gets tougher to see people drift away or apart.

A bell rings within saying, what all and how much ever you are thinking is all crap.

I sincerely wish that were true!

I cannot kill my apprehensions, fears, and doubts. Not till I know the reality.

This thing, this time, I just wish I hadn't known. The fact. Its just gets too weird. :(

Miss you Mom, reckon she would have told you!!!! I feel terribly wretchedly lonely at times like these. It seems like, I am losing out on all the anchors of life :(

2011-06-25T01:25:00.002-04:00

The Great Indian Novel.
Digital Fortress.
To Kill a Mockingbird.
Love in the times of cholera.

Yes, believe me. I am reading all the four of them. I mean, I am actually reading all of them, got bookmarks in b/w all of them, and no I didn't stop reading them cos they bored me, I just cant wait to start another book at times. Hence, end up starting many simultaneously :) And no, I do not forget the plot, characters or theme of any of them. I pick up a book and gel with it in a few seconds :)

No, thank you!

2011-06-24T03:58:00.001-04:00

You said you can gimme thousands or lakhs of rupees...and make me stay at home. Or even make me lose a bit of my freedom.

Tell you what, no thank you.

Nothing grabbing away my 9 to 5 corporate life in this life time. I need the work, I need the life, and I need my own money that gives me my independence! I may not tell you but I buy the brand, the label, the tag cos I can afford it. Not cos I got money transferred from somewhere, my dear!

You can take away everything from me, but not my attitude to react to certain things! Aint no putting away those laminated certis in my closet!

Happiness is a decision you make, not an emotion you feel

2011-06-22T01:53:00.002-04:00

She was one of the most lively person known to me. She taught me, not exactly with a pen and slate, the importance of being self, the respect and knowledge that can be gained by doing the most mundane of the stuff, and the importance of being with family, loving them, cherishing them. She taught all this by being a mere example. Her cherubic self was contagious. I realized how easy it is to look upto her.

She loved him. Or so she said. She kissed him. Or so she said. But when time came to take a decision, she flipped. She took back the small little steps that she had taken towards him. She flinched cos she knew her family will never approve. Or may be neither will his. Two mature individuals not taking the bait called 'love' cos there are bigger things in life to be concerned about.

The spectator saw it all, and believed it might be a wise decision. However, the spectator knew if places were exchanged, she wouldn't do the same.

Then she fell in love again. To the disgrace of her own self, a similar one. She loved him. Or she believed. This he was more strong and sturdier to take the forbidden path, if need be. He did not care about her family views or decision. She believed, she cannot make the same mistake twice. She ought to stay firm this time. He went thousand of miles apart, with no contact for a few months. She realized, may be, it is not meant to be. The "they" never worked out. She realized how she ought to behave and believe the best is gonna come only through family consensus.

She was born with the idea of believing this.

I never agreed. The spectator argued. She sighed, and said it aloud, one does not think about all this. That is the best remedy. Just go with the flow. And see what destiny holds for you. Be happy under any given circumstances. Well, I argued, with this school of thought, no one will ever be unhappy? Or may be, I was talking alone and not too loud.

She got married to a guy she did not love. This she definitely believed. She was not prepared to be with him, life long. Yet, she gave in. To the demands and expectations of the family and the society. This is when, I realized I can never be her. Nor ever look upto her. She isn't me. I cannot be she. I will not succumb to certain demands. Independency and freedom mean a lot to me. I was taught to respect this since birth.

He is definitely not for she. Yet they live on, move on, settle down, make love and babies. Now, she loves he. She did what she has been doing all these years, loving respecting and enjoying family, responsibilities, and probably life.

She does not mind not getting her freedom. Not getting the independency. Not getting her degrees to use. She does not mind missing all her TV shows, cos he does not like it. She does not miss the shopping sprees or the roadside foods we shared.

She does and did what she has been doing the best. Playing roles, different roles, with ease. She gets in the skin with such an ease, she sticks to duties like a magnet to iron. She sighs, may be. She never thinks, mostly.

She lives on. She loses her youth a tad too early. In today's world, too early. I watch and realize, do I really wish to look upto her?

I will probably never be the daughter, sister, wife, and mom she is...and then I just do not know, whether I wanna be all this like her, or I love the way I am portraying a few of these roles.

Different worlds. Different strokes. Today, if we both were to paint a picture of our lives, the disparity would be too obvious. Would the colors she use be all hueless? Or more bright than ever before?

Shall I pray that her babies do not do things that she did. Do not give up on ideas and ideals, like she did. Do not get influenced by family and society to an extent of losing self identity. Or may be pray, that they be, just like her. Strong and sturdy, and probably disciplined enough to love life, whatever it may be like. Decide to be happy, and not probably go for feeling it!

post secret

2011-06-22T01:28:00.002-04:00

I read it w/o fail.

This one caught my attention
"My hands remember how your body felt"

to which someone has replied
"My body remembers how your hands felt"

Rejuvenated :)

2011-06-21T08:08:00.000-04:00

Rejuvenated
I just returned from this sweet 3-day trip to my uncle's place. IT was a nice small family get-to-gether. I realize how easy it is to be with "your people" You do not mask happiness nor do you shield tears. You can tell your cousins "I do not like you" and he will not even take it to heart :)

Time and again I meet my niece and nephews I realize how quickly they are growing, taller and wiser. It seldom sinks in that with their increasing age, so I am ageing too.

My 96-year-old granny gave me an ultimatum to marry in the next one year. She told me she will leave half of her assets or double of what she leaves for everyone for me, if I will find a "Ghar Jamai" Yeah, she loves me a lot, she is ready to shell out more money to see me home :) It was sad to note that her vision is failing her with each passing day, but I was more glad to see her sense of humour intact!

your demands are fulfilled upright, you eat chat and see crap things with your cousins. You laugh together thinking about some small stupid things you did as a kid. And oh the laughter of watching those childhood snaps together.

I am blessed to have such a wonderful family. Yes, I do have my set of problems with them, each of them, but then, who doesn't? And the brighter thing to all this is, since I am the youngest girl in my family, they always let go off my mistakes and errors :)

2011-06-16T01:28:00.002-04:00

You know how some memories are like those scars which pain only when touched or pressurized.

You know this, and yet you keep on touching it over again, and feeling the pain. Masochist you!

2011-06-15T01:21:00.002-04:00

A lodestone. Attracting load, stress, and rest of the dust.
Rescue, and free yourself.

Today!

Life is so simple for an ugly male!

2011-06-13T02:04:00.000-04:00

Before you huff and puff regarding the title, I will like to tell you to read the entire story. And then, agree or disagree, or whatever stand you may wanna take.

Yes, life is so simple for an ugly male. This thought came to me yesterday evening when I saw Pranab Mukherjee attending this press conference. All of a sudden it struck me, how he might be unprepared for it, how he might would have changed to his symbolic white kurtas and pyjamas, (he also had a tricolor scarf hanging around) and come to this conference. Chances are high, that he did not get time to look into the mirror or comb his sparse hair.
No, I am not saying PM is ugly. Definitely not ugly.
But you get what set the thinking process running? Yes, how easy it is to not worry about how you look, or dress, or care! All you need to do is dress up and show up.
Agreed, the male today grooms and cares as much as a lady. The salon that I go to for hair cut is bisexual. And there are more men than women who are looking forward to hair spas and head massages, and cleanups, and facials. Yes, the modern men care how he looks. He shaves off his smelly armpits, he shaves off his thick curly calf hair, he shaves off his chest to show off his packs, howmanyever they may be. He does it all, to be that model for the men "fair and handsome"!
It does matter that today he cares. He uses deo, perfumes, gels, and all things possible to give and get that smart crispy, fresh, look.
You get the point. I cant think of more things the men today might be doing, cos I might just drool at the thought. :D
How different it is for a lady?
Well, for starters the beauty parlour routine is much strict. You do not wanna have your eye brows not threaded incase of an emergency meeting. Or your arms not waxed incase you have to wear some short sleeved blouse. Girls, ladies, women, all have to be on their toes all the while, and groomed to face the situation or occupation. Imagine the terror when one rolls the pant cos it rained, and some gross hair standing out. You definitely do not want that. Men, can may be, do that. But women, I am sorry. It is definitely gross.
So, the urban women does all this. Attends office, college, chores. She is always up for the occasion. Not to mention, at her very best.
She comes in at 9 am, neatly made hair, no dripping sweat, threaded brows, bleached facial hair, waxed arms and legs, toned face, moisturized lips. Now whether or not she is beautiful or ugly does not matter much. She gotta do all this. I do not know many women who wouldn't care. All of us belonging to this species, ugly or beautiful, care how they look. We see the mirror whenever we pass one. We stand and stare the figure in front of us. We are choosy for what we wear. Aware of what we accessorize it with. We know the shoes that will fit us, we know the latest style. And incase we had to go for a press conference at the last minute, omigosh, we would be making some very rapid trip to the parlour or the restroom to dab the compact and lip gloss. Without that, am sorry, I cannot face the camera. Let's say the female politicians that are coming to my mind may not be too religious of doing what all I have mentioned, but how many of us have seen Sushama Swaraj or Sonia Gandhi with a strand of hair outta place??
Now, why do I say it is easy for an ugly men. Or may be for men who doesn't care. Very few females doesn't care. May be we are made to care about our looks. Beauty is a term restricted just to us.
The cover photo of this weekly magazine had the pic of this head honcho of an IT company. I would not name him or the magazine, but believe me, the picture was eeww...I could count the number of blackheads on his nose! I could see the bad job of shaving that was done. And his uncombed hair. Okay, so he does not to the parlour or salon to get himself groomed, but come on, you cannot have such a pic on the cover page. A lady head would have never approved the publication of such a pic. But then, this man, my dear man, doesn't care.
Fair enough. This another head honcho of an IT company is definitely the below-average looking man. I do not even remember him changing the frame of his spectacles in all these years. Humble, yes. Simple, yes. He doesn't care. And its so easy to be him. Get up, wear your tie and suit. And there you are. Ready to go and face the world.
Ever wondered in a pub, how all girls are so neatly dressed and accesorized. And all some males have to do is put on a tee and jeans. So easy, I tell you. We spend hours thinking what to wear, what not to wear. And there they are, putting on a cartoon oversized tee, and some torn jeans!! So easy!!
Ugly males, or males who do not care how they look, are one lucky herd. I will specifically mention males, since I do not know many females who wouldn't care. Its tough to be out there, and not care or wonder about my hues and shoes.
I wish I were a male. I would buy the best of the shirts and trousers. And that's all that is to there. May be I wouldn't shave off my body hair, and probably I will go the parlour for a facial once in two months.
I will use deo and perfume everyday.
For all I care, this would suffice !!

Style check!!! 1 2 3...

2011-06-11T15:59:00.004-04:00

UCB. Kenneth Cole. Hugo Boss. Levis. Puma.

Boy, I am expensive!!!!

2011-06-08T23:46:00.004-04:00

And then he ignored her.
Just like that.
The months wait had finally turned into a meet. Ok, may be not wait. But months of correspondence. After which, it happened.
Was she dreaming things when her inbox was flooded with mails. Calls coming everyday.
Or was she having a nightmare when they all vanished. Just like that.
The threshold that was never reached. Or was the bar too low?
AT times, she feels like wringing the neck and shake the entire being, asking "what the" "why the" "who the"
But then, she just lets go. Or may be, all she can do is let go. She will like to think its the former.

My workplace and I

2011-06-08T02:41:00.002-04:00

I have got such boring colleagues. Its been four months now. I still do not talk, crack jokes, laugh, share, the way I did in my last company. I am not liking the whole idea. I am like working quietly, in my own sweet world. I might be reflecting self as one arrogant, moody, and 'do not disturb' me person.

No movies after work. No one to go out for luncheons and dinner with. Oh, the fruit eating times. The coffee breaks. The long chats. The orange candies.
There is so much to miss!

I have/had made some awesome friends at my previous workplace. I guess, its rare to find such wonderful people at work. Who are much more than colleagues.

Here, I just wish, someday I meet somebody, to whom I will so lovingly say the line I so wish to say since a long time.

"Where were you all this while???"

2011-06-07T04:55:00.002-04:00

This must be the umpteenth number of time that I am feeling this.
A look at the picture perfects from their "just engaged" albums, lets out a sigh in me.

The girl is definitely better than the boy. She deserves someone better!!

2011-06-01T00:10:00.002-04:00

I smirk everytime in the morning at around 9 am.
Because, I never wait for the elevator that my dear office mates wait for. I proudly pass by, with head held high and with a spring in my steps.
Yes, I take the stairs :)

PS: I sit on the first floor :D. But, heck, they wouldn't know, rite? I love the guilty pangs I might be giving them :P

2011-05-30T01:11:00.001-04:00

To all those women who bleach their mustache. Please don't.

It looks real fugly!!

2011-05-28T06:25:00.002-04:00

At times. She doesn't try. For she knows. She will fail. Miserably.

Confession

2011-05-25T09:30:00.000-04:00

I saw a kid at the roadside chewing a box of empty cigarattes. I did not do nothing to stop him/her :(

A brand new day!

2011-05-25T00:16:00.002-04:00

Remember the song by Bryan Adams...A new day has come!
An elephant is walkin on the streets by the end of it. How many of you could actually guess all the clues and guess that the animal would be elephant??

I could. I remember that the last clue added to "denmark" and you had to think of some animal from the second letter of the name of the country.

At times, how you play and win each clue and puzzle that life throws at you, and come back winning. The grin on your face is so evident.

Life does that to you. Throws lemon at you. You know the cliche, you make vodka or lime juice or the similar. But no one ever says, squeeze the lemon and enjoy the sourness, raw, crude, as it is. No one wishes things to be sour, sab ko meetha chahiye!
And let me tell you, not only post dinner as Dairymilk is making you believe, everytime they want meetha. Sasta. Tikaav. Sundar. And you are happy when you get that! (Let me not get into describing the never-satisfying cribbers!)

Basic essentials hain yar!
Nothing but the best. No sour. No mehanga. No asundar.
Bus, gimme what I want, all I have is a list of few essentials. Can I not get things abiding that tiny little list?

Little. TinY ! Let's consider that relative ;)

Haiku

2011-05-24T06:33:00.002-04:00

While on this 23-hour long train journey to Delhi with A, we did all the crazy stuff that you can imagine.

I loaded self with books, considering I could do a lot of reading in this long journey, but it turned out A was enough.

I stuffed my writing pen, my books and note pads, since the scenery outside trains always brings out the best writer in me. But it turned out A was enough.

I did not get time to do a thing!!

So when she saw my little book, she "demanded" that I write stuff for her.

I attempted two silly little haiku's and I regret doing so. I will tell you why, below.

First the haiku's

Insanity wraps sanity
Bloom!
Oh, thy flower!!

Hyperbole, its not
Never-ceasing spring,
Offered!

I am regretting writing these since througout the journey, and all till the time I will know her, she will remind me of the fact that she is a never-ceasing spring!

:)

For all that it matters, I liked the haikus.

Te amo....

2011-05-24T02:07:00.001-04:00

I am not able to get over this song of Dum Maaro Dum!

The male voice (Ash king) is so touching, its like piercing through my ears directly through the heart...and leaving some or many goosebumps!

I want someone to sing this for me...*sigh*

Tis I promise...

2011-05-23T06:19:00.001-04:00

The day I lose complete hearing, I will kill self...

Life would be nothing.

Ouch!!

2011-05-17T02:03:00.003-04:00

Would it hurt?? If you saw the girl with whom you planned to get married, or may be make love to, is not only married to someone else, but also displaying pics of her baby!

And you are at the same crossroad as before? To forget, or not. To feel the pain, or not. Can I love again, or not?

It must hurt. Somewhere. May be hidden deep within some layers of protected fats and muscles, but it must hurt.

Or may be, your heart has gone immune at the very first outer covering. And you need some warm blood to beat that vital organ again. Yes, you need to love someone, all over again.

The cycle, though hurtful, must continue.

At times...

2011-05-15T14:04:00.002-04:00

Speaking out loud helps...

It makes you realize what kind of thoughts are running through your mind, and what you may actually really think~~

Today, I spoke out loud. And that too without being drunk.

It was just a series of thoughts that must have triggered this emotion, or rather stupid talks or rather charade...but I realized may be, I am not that good a person I am thinking that I am!

You know the feeling??

So, I had been bothered about my equation with my friend off late. And I just couldn't fathom the reason why?

Why could I just accept the fact that things , lives, have changed and it is the time to make our relationship a back seat...and run the car in 1st gear!!

But hell no? I just could not fathom it!

When I spoke it out aloud today with A, I realized I might actually be jealous of my friend.

Jealous, I say. Of what, you may ask?

Jealousy is defined as the killing feeling that grips your heart when you see something good or something that your heart yearns and the other gets.

So what does this friend in question have that I do not. And that would make me so jealous??

I reason and question with A, and finally realize, as a matter of fact rather, that may be it is just me. You know, just me who's thinking that "this is happy" "this is sad" "this is more" "this is less"

So when I see and believe that I am having "less" and she is having "more", I rather astonishinigly become jealous of FRiend!!

And how I reflect it, is from the tons of fights that I have with her. From the rude expectations that I have, ok not that rude, but wrong to a point.

But then, when I see her adapting to all the roles that she has played so gracefully in life, I realize I do not do that. I crib. I cry. If I have to act like a mouldable clay, I may, I rather will, but not without showing some support, some restrain. I am like that.
She adapted, she adapts. She sees how to make the best of the situation in front of her, and makes hay outta it.

Is this adapatibility that I am jealous of? or is the factors surrounding her that I am jeaolous of??

Am I really actually jealous?

I still remember the smile and joy I get when I used to see her cherish and achieve things that she had always dreamt of. The high marks that she secured, the amazing talents that she has ...and the way she displayed them all. They made me feel proud that she is my friend. The smile that I used to get when I used to see fight for the minutest of the mark, and get it. If there was a triumph involved, I used to be happy with her. For her. And always have been. I do not ever remember being fake.

Then why today these thoughts?

Has life come to such a crossroad where I cannot see anything other than others, and their lives?? Have I grown that timid and tiny that I need a limitless tall ladder to overlook the crowd and see my world?

Or has the world broken into so many pieces or rather just misplaced some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, that I am completely lost looking for it?

Well, answers I do not have. Not for the moment.

All I can say, is , If I am actually thinking what I have been thinking, that makes me a bad person at heart.

And I would rather not be one!

ever wondered...

2011-05-11T00:45:00.001-04:00

how funny and sad it is when...
the kid turns out to be like the ugly(er)-looking spouse!!

Fate...

2011-05-10T12:19:00.001-04:00

So, while talking about fate...
And gulping down sake...

We both couldn't help but wonder,
how long,
since we both actually mate??

If I narrate a story...

2011-05-08T23:51:00.002-04:00

will you pay to hear it??

If I write a book...
will you offer to read it??

If I wrote a testimonial...
would you care to review it??

If I wrote a love letter....
would you care to smell it??

If my blogs were put on podcasts...
would you manage to subscribe for it??

If I uploaded a video on youtube...
would you wait to stream it??

If I have written my will...
would you think you will exist in it??

If I have written my epitaph...
would you cross miles and get flowers to read it??

Monster...u r gone!

2011-05-04T02:02:00.002-04:00

Yes, finally. After almost 3 years, I finally 'unsubscribed' from the service.

May be cos I have more than 4000 unread mails in my account, mostly from monster. And, also cos I am liking my job :) It brings a smile on my face in the middle of the hectic working day, wherein I take a breather and realize, I love my job!

Oh, and if you thought real ones, than lemme tell you real monsters are much difficult to deal with...you see they dont come with the unsubscribe tag :D

PS: How they must have come up with such a name for a job portal, I wonder?? MONSTER??
If its a boss portal, yes, or some colleagues portal..yes...but then job??? Ummm...c'mon its the job that pays you that dear pay cheque at the end of 30 days of HARD WORK! :D

Dots...

2011-04-14T07:53:00.004-04:00

I literally counted the green, the red and the orange ones, which represent available, busy, and away, respectively.
And the full moons and the half moons one.

There were 16 virtual people whom I know, somehow, who were there online, ready to talk, or chat.

And I could not find a single somebody to talk to. I was, am bored to death!!

Life can get real lonely sometimes. Or say, boring.

What if you cant text or call up somebody just cos you are bored, or just cos in this tech savvy world you gotta know what anybody is upto at that very moment.

Sigh...

PS: Luckily my office messenger doesn't have these dots, otherwise think about it, 230+ people on the messenger and no one to talk to!! Thats a dreadful thought!

Flying blues :)

2011-03-31T00:09:00.002-04:00

Incase you are wondering how I came up with that awesome title, well...I had named my Fantasy cricket team that one :) And itss soooo apt!

A 6-year-old boy was there watching the match. The chants, the mantras, the noise and the din apart, he could not fathom one huge thing. He asked him mom, or was it aunt, why bleed blue? when the colour of the blood is red. I am sure that lady came up with some bright reply, or may be a lame excuse...but my mind could not help but wonder what does bleed blue actually mean.

We all bled blue, yesterday. And it was not for the mere 8 hours of the match. Pre and post match, the situation is still the same. Hype it may have created, religion it might be called, but those who witnessed and are witnessing this wonderful era of the 2011 Cricket World Cup would have some awesome stories to narrate to their folks a few years down the line. Of how the rest of the world freezes and the headlines are all cricket-specific. Of how a cricketer can be raised to the level of a pseudo god and even brought down at a similar pace by one match or a dropped catch. Of how the tune sounds when the entire nation, state, city, road, building or colony chants the same lines in the loudest and most hoarse of the voices. Of the off-match diplomacy this sport supports. Of how this game, this religion can make a country or a sub-continent, literally stop! Of how this game can even make the snobby and arrogant first-class ladies of a mumbai local cajole and cheer for the same thing. Of how this game brings a smile and grin on the faces of people of whom you were assured had no emotions in them. Of how these men on the field bleed blood, sweat, and blue.

People who were born post the world cup win must have always wondered how must the excitement and mood have been when we won the world cup in 1983. I have been one of them. I vividly remember how the present cricketers or some ardent experts talk about how they were and what they were doing on that particular day. In non-HDed environment, and no digital displays, the match would not have been as "live" and colourful as today. But then, can you compare the excitement and the cheering people? I do not think so. Just when you think, India, or Mumbai, is becoming extremely commercial, people are getting all money-minded, everyone is like "to each his own", they are all running for the race for money, those very people give back on your face. They become one, one like they were never apart. They may be tied by the thread called nation, or for a few, cricket.

I have never believed much in latter. For the latter option, I had some reserved thoughts. Thoughts that told me, it is momentary. Thoughts that expressed a shrug or sigh, and nodded their head when people danced, hugged, and bursted crackers to celebrate a win. These thoughts always told me, this is not permanent. And it is not something major. But yesterday, or ever since the start of the cup, I have started to believe my thoughts were wrong.

The game is indeed a game changer. It has been, since a long time. What else can you name that has brought a smile on this nation's more than a billion population at the same time. It is not a leader winning the election, it is not (or ever) a budget announcement, it is not bollywood. It is this. It is here. And it is going to rule the roost for a long time to come.

Win we may on Saturday. WE shall all definitely pray for it. I cannot wait to see the vibe and pulse this wonderful city is gonna create on that particular day. But what this game and this wonderful performance that these men in blue has given us, will be etched forever in the memory of the age that witnessed it.

As I said, that 6-year-old boy may someday narrate the tale to his grand children of how he did not understand "bleed blue" at that time, and yet he enjoyed the game and the atmosphere around. And how somewhere he also felt that he was, indeed, bleeding blue.

Controversies apart, hooplah kicked out, egos and talent clashed out, this team has been through a lot. And for what it may be worth, we do deserve the cup. Flying blues, go win the cup!

oh me again!

2011-03-21T02:57:00.002-04:00

This is the third time in this very little (do not ask me, how many) sojourn of life that I have seriously contemplated writing a book!

Funny as it may sound, I have always known how I am going to write the dedication of this particular book, how I am gonna thank everyone in the notes, and how the prologue would/might be. Ofcourse, the "About the author" section is well framed in my mind, but it is open to changes depending on what stage of my life I would be.

Imagine, if I were to write, She is a workaholic, and loves what she does...my boss would fall in love with me.

On these thoughts, I believe, I should write this damn book soon. Definitely before the next appraisal :D

So, yes, I am done writing about 3 pages.

*spoiler alert!

And I have titled it "******"

ha ha ...wait till it gets published :) I bet, you are gonna enjoy reading this one, if it ever sees the light of the day!

funny

2011-03-18T02:27:00.003-04:00

Overheard...
X-Girlfriend (who wanted to get back with the guy): How are you? Been long..
Guy: Yeah, am good..been married and all...
Girl: Whaat!!! When did that happen? You did not even bother to inform me...I mean...you know, may be, some last chance to get back together ...
Guy: Yah..well I thought it was over. You said it. I believed ya...
Girl: You never believed anything that I told you, and this you did...How could you??
Guy: Umm..umm...I am sorry? But, anyways, its been long, and I guess its just cool to just you know meet you again, like this...
Girl: Hm...I know..I always liked your never say never attitude....
Guy: Umm..yeah, but wasn't that like 2 years ago! I am definitely not gonna teach that to my kid..
Girl: Kid!!!!
Guy: Yaeh, mine...
Girl: What!!! WTF!!! you married another woman, and now you are telling me that you also had the balls to have a kid with her..

Guy: FAINTS!!!

Passerby: Lollllll

Weighty matters?

2011-03-17T03:33:00.003-04:00

I believe 7 out of 10 females wish to reduce weight. If not, my statistical probabilities are pretty wrong.

I got acquainted with this female recently. She is overweight. Yes. Almost 20 to 30 kilos extra. But then, you see such ladies everywhere. Don't we? And they do lead a normal life.

She narrates her 5.30 AM gym experience everyday. How she did this and that, and how she loves doing this and that in the gym. I used to listen to her keenly, and always wonder how she does all this, and comes to work on time too.

Today, when I realized the real motive for her to get fit, or say lose some 15 kilos, I was shocked and felt utter sorry for her.
She is married. Wasn't like this before marriage. When she was going around with the guy, the guy had told her he hates fat ladies!
And today, when she turns out to be one, he has "almost" abandoned her. She painfully admitted that he doesn't want her to be so fat when her NRI Sis-in-law arrives in a time of some 3 months. And how she has resolved to reduce before that!
I mean, seriously?!

what is this guy?
A pig! !

A plain resolution of losing weight seems like a marriage clause for her.
I sincerely wish she does lose weight (rather if need be, I wouldn't mind if God keeps me the same for the next few months, and give her my share of loss...u get it)

But, at the same time, I hope she does rise from her slumber and give the guy "one tight slap" for being such an ASS!!!!

:) Introducing the 'little' angel :)

2011-03-07T12:14:00.004-05:00

You arrived tonight. Sometime at 4.15 pm. I must be doing some mundane stuff at that very second, but the moment I realized about your grand entry to this world, I skipped a heart beat.

The whole existence of me longed to be with you and see you. My eyes, my feet, my heart, my mind, can't recollect a time when all of them would have been so well synchronized.

I just wanted to reach to you. Take you in my arms :) And, may be, sing you a lullaby :)

I would not ever be able to describe to you the trembling self that I was, when I was a few kms away from you. I ran, I jumped, I skidded, I ploughed my way in the heavy Mumbai traffic, and reached to you, as fast as I could.

And then, when I saw you, I could not help but cry. I cannot ever tell you how many emotions you elicited outta me in that very second! You called out to me, I know no one heard, but I did !! I knew you were waitin for your 'masi' :)

When I took you in my arms, I realized what the term 'adorable' means! The sweet little smile, that faint hint of recognition, the little wails that you started giving after a while, and the way you tried to pull yourself away from that tightly wound cloth around ya, all just meant, you are comfortable in the arms you are in!

I had never, till date, being with a new born. Today, when I did, I realized what special thing "birth" is !! You probably made me realize the importance of life, all over again...

I really hope that you grow up to be one helluva awesome dudette! The sweetest and the best chic aroun' :)

I share a special bond with your mom. We have been together for almost a decade now. And today, when I see the mud-eating, notebook-sharing, teacher scolding-partner, gola-eater, cheese pav bhaji-partner, and cheese sada dosa-partner of mine....as your mom...I realize that time has indeed left us far behind. How that teenager has evolved to be a mommy is a tale I would love to tell you some fine day! Among the many others that am gonna narrate to you while you grow up.

Trust me on this one, she would be one helluva mom :) And for things she wouldn't know or do, you know, your masi is right there, always besides you.

You made us wait for a long time, 9 months almost, to be precise. I remember seeing you the first time using some hi-fi technology, and today you looked almost similar to that picture. You are the most innocent, amazing and tangible little bundle of joy till date!

My little angel...
I loved you the first time I saw you, and I always will....
We would share an amazing bond, said the little twinkle in your eye.
May God give you all the amazing things in the world, after providing you with this amazing masi :P

Love ya, Baby Gupta :)

2010-04-16T07:26:00.001-04:00

I so feel something great is about to happen !!!!

2010-03-22T05:09:00.002-04:00

I ain't good!
The fact that she is happy and contented. And enjoying this new phase of her life...putts me in a weird situation.
May you always stay this happy says the lip...and heart crunches in fear, that she may not need me now. In despair and sadness.
This shoulder would no longer be required.
The feeling is like of a runner, who has won yet again in a race...and somehow not satisfied with his performance.
The lost-out feeling.
The miserable, lonely wretched feeling.

2010-03-20T06:16:00.000-04:00

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

-----------

Falling Slowly

2010-03-12T11:47:00.002-05:00

He comes in carrying along a breeze of fresh air ...and a bit of David off!
(Those lovely shirts that he wears...)
He sits besides the very next pc...and does some assembling stuff.
Slide glances, awkward moves apart...she just wishes it were her pc that had fallen sick. A word might would have been exchanged.
He merely gives a blank look with no emotions in the eye.
May be the situation might jeopordize his job. Or may be. He just doesn't have the heart.

2010-03-11T13:01:00.002-05:00

It aint the writer's block.
Or it might be.
But I would wanna call it something else.

The brain buzzes with a beep that reads "Unwillingness to share"

2010-03-03T11:10:00.002-05:00

Its been very long since I posted.
I do not remember when I had taken this long a break from posting.
There have been times when I am constructively deciding about de-constructing this blog. Do not know why.
But I wish to erase the slate. And start afresh.
I do not wish to analyze life, things, and the general works.
I wish to live as it is.
My blog ain't all about analysing. But when I sit and write, when I build up a post in my mind/mobile...yes, I am analysing things. In general.
I am not gonna do that.
Not any more.

I particularly do not target a single entity/reason why this thought, change.
May be I will get back to square one, and just be self.
But as of now, since the past one month or so, yes -- I am not looking into things. Or analysing my past, present or future. I am just living it.
Letting things be.
Living life, the beautiful way :)

Off late

2010-02-11T11:05:00.003-05:00

* I have been busy, with work, with bonuses, with happiness, with lingering sadness, and trying to maintain what I have recently read in the "The Secret"
* I am not even posting posts in my mind. In other words, it would mean my mind is never that idle that I am thinking of incidents around me, I am not in any analytical mode. I am just being there. In the present.
* I am really scared of people with multiple-personality disorder (No, don't google, its not a known term) But I maintain, that they do accept the fact that they suffer from it. They just can't be "one" with everyone. They need definitions of "me" Its weird. I better stay away. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could switch off things as easily as they do!
* The Tiger has roared once again in Mumbai. What seems to be a good movie, might attract some extra crowd due to the recent happenings in Mumbai. Its really ironic that at this very time, I am reading Maximum City! I read those lines, those things about riots, about political parties, and it seems to me as if the whole book was like written yesterday. Funny part is, many of the leaders mentioned in the book, have so changed their political parties by now ! Such is the state...the city, my mumbai!
* Many of my friends are getting married. No, nothing new. Its real fun when I catch up with my friends in USA after a long gap and get to know who's going around with whom and who's getting married, engaged and all the gupshups!! Some real weird beans are spilled about the bean town I knew! My best friend getting married, really really makes me feel old :( A tad too old at times! I wonder why...
* Marriages, bring people (read friends) either come closer or move them apart. My sibling's friend is getting married at around the same time as my best friends. I am suffering from the latter problem, my sis is cherishing a newly found proximity!
* Many a times I am trying to be happy. Trying not to read in between lines. Trying not to fuss over things, as small as a spilled cup of coffee on my shirt before a meeting. It takes a lot of effort to maintain that "dignity"! Trying to be a cheerful self after work. Amidst work. Amidst the social group you belong to. Amidst the elderly gents and aunts whom you see at the end of the week, just cos you have to see them. Amidst the plight of travelling in buses in Mumbai. Amidst the sweat and farty odours that the roads emit. Amidst a nosy boss and selfish colleagues. Amidst the things that you lack and things that you can/will never have. Amidst the vaccum that you feel within. Amidst missing 'mom' pangs! Ailing self, long bills, wrong relations, wrong attitudes, and the list would just go on...
And then suddenly, one day, one moment, one incident. The lid blows off. The pressure that was created within, was sadly well insulated. It was there. It hadn't evaporated.
And then I realize, how easy it is to just loose. Not to take control of anything in your life. Just flow with your anger and emotions. It doesn't take long to do it. You do not even have to try too hard. It just happens.
And yet, you love to tread on the difficult path. A path that would take efforts. In the end, you see yourself and the surrounding happy.
And betcha, there's nothing beating that!!

2010-01-27T01:05:00.002-05:00

Letting go has never been my trump card...
And with the wedding of my best friend so near...even this event is seeming like a huge "letting go" factor for me!

Oh lord, help me!! I can't do this....why am I even thinkin about it like this....
But sigh, I already miss her around me :(

When

2010-01-18T01:13:00.002-05:00

...exactly you realize that this is too much?
...do you realize its time to let go?
...do you understand that you are/were being fooled?
...do you start really listening to your intuitions rather than your stupid heart?

Just after "bearing it all" !!!!!

2010-01-12T05:53:00.000-05:00

I am the world's biggest liar!!!

And I am not lying this time !!!!!!

2010-01-09T07:19:00.000-05:00

He came,
He saw

And he leaves....so unconquered!!!!!!

2010-01-07T00:48:00.000-05:00

No, am not full with hues..
Its just that..

You cant blot my blues!

Resolutions or something like that...

2010-01-06T06:52:00.003-05:00

I am going to start a club for people having their new resoultion as "Thank god each day for giving me this wonderful life, appreciate life more, appreciate the good around me.." and such others. I have seen and heard so many of these categories in the past few days, that I would feel redundancy seeping in if I were to say the same about me.

Last year I had made no resolutions. This year, I would just wanna jot down a few things that I feel I need. Mostly not resoultions, but I need to bring them in my life for the ever required change.

- I wish to be more attentive for things happening around me. How I observe a thing and remember that tiny little detail for so long, well in other words I would just wanna observe more.

- I need to let go. Let go off my past. As I read it somewhere, let go off past before it screws your present. I have so many grudges within, so much of baggage I am carrying around that I would be nothing but bogged down with the load.

- I have to come to terms with my life. The way it is. Destiny did lead me some places sometime, but from then on, it's me and only me who has shaped it like this. The road may be curvy, but that's the way I have designed it. I have to enjoy the ride, for its the journey that matters not the destination. (Stolen from "Peaceful Warrior" --oh what a movie!!)

- Continue with the weight reduction program. I am there. So very there. The scale smiles at me whenever I look at it. Love that feeling and that look. I love Wii Fit :) And ofcourse, the pleasure of wearing all those clothes lying in my wardrobe for those "would wear someday" phase. It's here people. So here :)

- Experiment with different hair styles.

- Get a tattoo. (I so wanna make it a mission accomplished thing!)

- Rejuvenate my faith in god.

All these and lot more comes in my mind when I think about things I need to do. Just to, you know, make my life better. The Me as a better I. Betterness is always needed.
Its essential.

And lastly, I am gonna reduce using these social networking sites (fb/orkut), as least as possible. I do not like the feelings that surge within at times after logging in. I do not.

I wish to blog more. Blog better.

And I wish to wish for a year, better than the last year.

2009-12-30T00:11:00.002-05:00

I don wanna be sad today.
But I am missing wishing ya, way too much!

Happy birthday mom!

Love ya loads.....

Is this it?!

2009-12-08T10:50:00.005-05:00

Today I kind of realized my problem.

While leaving for work, this accident happened in front of me. Not exactly an accident, but this is what happened. There comes this lady who wanted to get into this particular bus. Now there is a bunch of people waiting for the same bus, and ladies gang wait near the front door for entrance. Inspite of that being the first stop, people hoard the bus as if there's no tomorrow. (I think that comes as a Mumbai attitude, may be!) So what happens is, this dear lady isn't even trying to rush or push, is just standing for the bus to come and stop at its position. Sadly, the dashing driver applies brake a bit late and that results in the entire gang that was trying to get in to actually swing along with the bus in a group-like manner. This results in a push to the dear lady waiting for the bus and she loses her balance and falls. Not a major fall or anything like that, the next minute she gets up and happily climbs in, but what I realized at that instant is this...

The first thought that came to my mind after seeing this whole episode was...
It isn't fair for her to fall!!
She did not deserve to fall.
Its others that wanted to get in that rush...they should have fallen, if at all...not her!

Along with this little incident comes in a huge wave of realization. I have always looked upon things, weighed things, so as to how fair / unfair it is. How much did I deserve it, and how much I did not!
I have always fretted over things because, according to me, I deserved them.
According to me, I do not deserve to be in this position at this time. It is so not fair. According to me, I do deserve this share of happiness. Unhappiness is not what I deserve.

With this thought, I realized the core problem of my problem.
My attitude of judging what's fair and what's unfair.
What I deserve and what I do not.

If I would let things be, or just follow what the holy book of hindus say, leave expectations outta your deeds. Leave the strings attaching me to the whole fairness of this world. Leave the whole concept of expectations.

Desire, my friend, is the root cause to sorrow. Now my desires are my expectations. My expectations are there since that is what I have known all my life. I have wanted/wished for things. I have strived to get them. I feel it is very fair to expect them to fall into place and I get what I had strived for. I deserve them. Isn't it human to expect a building to stand tall if you have spent years building the whole thing together?!

I am coming back to a whole circle. I know.
I really wish to accept fate. I am happy with what I have. Then why am I unhappy?
My life may not be full of people, but a few bunch should be enough.
I do get hurt (its fair to feel so) when some loved/close ones ditch me or things do not happen in lives as planned, but I have moved on, or at least I am trying to. Meanwhile, if I feel angry/hurt/bruised ... people should bear with me ! (There, i am expecting again!)

I expect life to be fair to me.
I expect life to not be unfair to anybody for that matter.
Is it a perception problem that I have?
Or merely an attitude one, wherein nothing is what I deserve and everything is unfair!!

I wish I knew. But least, I kind of know, this could be the problem of some of the blue days that I face. Isn't it?

Oh btw that lady is doing good. I saw her while returning from work too :)

Do you agree?

2009-12-07T11:38:00.001-05:00

Guys look out for a home maker - the moment they commit!
A lazy, carefree, know-nothing kinds hardly works for them!

A random evening conversation with a friend, kinda spilled the beans for him....but over a long thought, I think its a general trait!

Or is it not?

Pieces...

2009-12-04T11:31:00.002-05:00

One by one
Day after day
I realize I am losing myself.

This is not how I want to live.
This is not how I lived.
Fighting with loved ones around me.
Cribbing and complaining for things, that I have and I don't!

What has brought me here?
Why am I writing this?
This journey was going good. I was patient. I was letting things be. I was waiting for my time. My time when things would be the way I want them to be. When people would react/behave the way I expect them to. When I will find warmth when I outstretch my arms. When I will find satisfaction in each and everything that I venture into. When my positive enthusiasm would turn out to be infectious. Is this just a phase? Or this the fight?

Finding no solace in anything and everything around. Regretting the words said, the incisions deep within. Realizing how easy it is not break a decade-old friendship, and how difficult to build up on it. Realizing the fact that may be, just may be, they are the only friends you have. Colleagues can never be friends. Exceptions are there, but that does not apply to you.

A lost battle. A battle fought with no opponent. A battle fought with no aim. Where's the enemy, I ask? Come show me your face. Do not hide from me...come to me in your entirety.
Does the enemy lie within? Am I coming back to my same old fears, after running a full circle?

Is everything so relative? Is everything gonna be so not real?
Are my dreams always gonna be rosy?
Am I gonna lose out on my patience, much before I start the journey?
Am I ever gonna find peace - within?
Why is one person so important to me ? Are friends our world ?
Am I not attached to other things lot many ?

I can live alone, I say. Then the deep voice just doesn't exactly agree. I can be a loner, live a loner.

The problem is I am not one.
But I am trying to be one.

PS: I have no clue what all I have written. I am not even reading this again. Pardon my lousy self, am not just aware of what I am doing right now. I so not wanna write all this, but I can't talk to self for so long.

I need a break!!

2009-12-02T06:24:00.002-05:00

How do you feel...

When you fight , a big bad bitter fight, with your best friend?

Sucked out from within.... :(

Today was ...

2009-11-30T11:15:00.003-05:00

One of those days, when nothing was wrong, and yet everything seemed so!

One of those days, when I fought with S and concluded that this is the last time we both are talking!

One of those days, when I cried for a pretty long time, and then pondered an equally long time, wondering why was I crying?

One of those days, when I so longed speaking to V, and the usual, he cheered me up!

One of those days, when I realized how my close group of friends has disappeared after coming back!

One of those days, when I found myself with outstretched arms and found the end of my arms for comfort!!

One of those days, when I have pondered about my decision to come back!!

One of those days, when I sighed and felt lonely all around, inspite of having a bunch of people around!!

One of those days, when I yet again concluded, how helpless and vulnerable I become at times!!

One of those days, when yet again, faith has been rejuvenated, and I have realized that I am not gonna give up, not yet!!