Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Is this it?!

Today I kind of realized my problem.

While leaving for work, this accident happened in front of me. Not exactly an accident, but this is what happened. There comes this lady who wanted to get into this particular bus. Now there is a bunch of people waiting for the same bus, and ladies gang wait near the front door for entrance. Inspite of that being the first stop, people hoard the bus as if there's no tomorrow. (I think that comes as a Mumbai attitude, may be!) So what happens is, this dear lady isn't even trying to rush or push, is just standing for the bus to come and stop at its position. Sadly, the dashing driver applies brake a bit late and that results in the entire gang that was trying to get in to actually swing along with the bus in a group-like manner. This results in a push to the dear lady waiting for the bus and she loses her balance and falls. Not a major fall or anything like that, the next minute she gets up and happily climbs in, but what I realized at that instant is this...

The first thought that came to my mind after seeing this whole episode was...
It isn't fair for her to fall!!
She did not deserve to fall.
Its others that wanted to get in that rush...they should have fallen, if at all...not her!

Along with this little incident comes in a huge wave of realization. I have always looked upon things, weighed things, so as to how fair / unfair it is. How much did I deserve it, and how much I did not!
I have always fretted over things because, according to me, I deserved them.
According to me, I do not deserve to be in this position at this time. It is so not fair. According to me, I do deserve this share of happiness. Unhappiness is not what I deserve.

With this thought, I realized the core problem of my problem.
My attitude of judging what's fair and what's unfair.
What I deserve and what I do not.

If I would let things be, or just follow what the holy book of hindus say, leave expectations outta your deeds. Leave the strings attaching me to the whole fairness of this world. Leave the whole concept of expectations.

Desire, my friend, is the root cause to sorrow. Now my desires are my expectations. My expectations are there since that is what I have known all my life. I have wanted/wished for things. I have strived to get them. I feel it is very fair to expect them to fall into place and I get what I had strived for. I deserve them. Isn't it human to expect a building to stand tall if you have spent years building the whole thing together?!

I am coming back to a whole circle. I know.
I really wish to accept fate. I am happy with what I have. Then why am I unhappy?
My life may not be full of people, but a few bunch should be enough.
I do get hurt (its fair to feel so) when some loved/close ones ditch me or things do not happen in lives as planned, but I have moved on, or at least I am trying to. Meanwhile, if I feel angry/hurt/bruised ... people should bear with me ! (There, i am expecting again!)

I expect life to be fair to me.
I expect life to not be unfair to anybody for that matter.
Is it a perception problem that I have?
Or merely an attitude one, wherein nothing is what I deserve and everything is unfair!!

I wish I knew. But least, I kind of know, this could be the problem of some of the blue days that I face. Isn't it?

Oh btw that lady is doing good. I saw her while returning from work too :)

1 comment:

Pooh said...

dear girl, don tink so much. This is how it is with everyone...sleep well.. :) good nite