There are things you do not remember.
There are things you do not want to remember.
Then, these drops and figments of memory percolate through your mind, and make a grand appearance.

It's not that I do not want to remember Mom.
It is just that I want to remember her in good ways. Like the perfectly normal dreams that I have - the four of us, and the happy family.
But then, memory has its own weird way.
It presents a picture to me during the most mundane of the stuff that I am doing. It hits me so hard that I have nothing but tears to brave.
The routine talks during lunch when each one of us is boasting/talking about how "my mom" makes this the best...and I realize I am the only one using a past tense "My mom used to make wonderful theplas"
Or those times when it dawns on me how the mom, any mom, is saving the larger share of food for the kids!
Routine talks with sister that end up on a bad note, and all I think of is, why is Mom not around to pacify the two of us!
Even those times when I hear or see people fighting with their Moms, I stand back and realize, I miss those too!

I may have fought with you a thousand times, and apologized tad lesser; but I never forget how sorry and deprived I feel for myself! How very!


At times I wonder whether I am still mourning? I cry like it was just yesterday...and then it hits me...the absence is going to be life time! 

You know it's funny. I never thought, even after the endless fights I have had with my best friend, that there would come a day when we both might not actually talk. I still would not say we are in that phase, but somehow I just realize, I probably stare at my phone once daily that she calls and tells whatever I wanna hear.

Or may be, we atleast continue the fight.

But you know, A told me, I should give her space and time. And probably not "interfere" much into her life now...hmm..

So its been a long time that we talked. I do not wish to lie by saying I do not think about her..but then, I guess, since I haven't yet picked up the phone, I have finally moved on, or learnt to get over this or her. She is burdened with responsibilities as it is, so may be I should take a step back.

And yes, I am happy about it.

At times. She doesn't try. For she knows. She will fail. Miserably.

Dear Mom,

I miss you!! :(

A random game, a random conversation ... mere bollywood-style fun..and I was left speechless!!

Nahi, mere pass "maa" nahin hain :(

Do you?

"Something that has always puzzled me all my life is why, when I am in special need of help, the good deed is usually done by somebody on whom I have no claim" ~William Feather


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It's a normal Mumbai saturday. I do not care/know what kind of weather it is right now. Each day when I leave, I am just aware of that fact that the sun is out, and while I return - moonlight evades me. Today, is no different. But today is the day -- When I want it to pour. When I wish to smell the fragrance of first rain with that special someone. When I wish to have the Swiss Chocolate coffee with that special someone. When I just wish to curl up with that special someone. When I wish to eat caramel popcorn with that special someone. When I wish to see the soft side of that special someone, while he is off to sleep. When I wish to fight to have the last bite of the blueberry cheese cake. When I wish to yell for their 'oh-so' irritating habits. When I wish to rest after locating the strong, emotional anchor. When I wish to talk for hours about the sweet nothings!! When I wish to feel the depth of the feelings.

Am I being crazy? Or my hormones are just acting up?

I do not like this feeling. Makes me feel more lonely...makes me feel more vulnerable...makes me feel I will give in, with a single question, Do you?

With each passing day, you just realize it is not getting easier. It is just getting all the more complicated.
You realize you should leave it, the way it is.
You realize you need to let life take its turn. Let destiny rule.
You realize you need to start looking for happiness, in things other than within.
You realize you are not helping yourself. And no one else will.
Days become weeks, weeks become months...

What has changed? Afterall.....

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Yesterday, I complained of minor head ache. He immediately asked me to go see a doc. I know, deep within he is too scared.

He never cries. He never sighs. He only talks about dreams wherein he sees her. How I wish I could always make it out, whenever he would be missing her. How I wish he were never so strong. He also cried. And made me realize, we all share the same pain. But then, its his strength that makes me wipe my tears away.

Love you dad. For the strength you have and for the way you always have kept those tears, away...far away!

Where are you Mom?

Which ray of light from the sun? Which dancing cloud in the sky? Which twinkling star at night? Which drop of rain? I am still looking for you mom........

Diwali just isn't the same without you around...We all miss you ! :(