What is your idea of togetherness?

Is it merely being with someone? Or probably talking a lot - meaningful conversations of course! Or is merely finding solace with yourself? Does company really matter? Can one ever be alone and yet not feel lonely?

Random thoughts such as this hit my mind whenever I go to a secluded place to read my book. Generally, it happens at a time when I have reached at such a stage of the book that I can't wait to find - what next? 

I mean I am so happy at that time - orgasmic level kinds. I do not care what is around me. What engulfs me is a feeling that I cannot probably describe in words. At times when I turn around and see the world around me, I probably realize I am the only who is sitting alone and having a smile on my face...there will be families/couples/friends all around me, and looking glee...do I also need this companionship? I cannot live with a book, right? But what if the book is providing me the words and the worlds that I yearn to hear and see? Do I still need anything else?

This of course becomes a question of retrospection. We can't be with books all the time, I am somehow able to squeeze time to read books in my fast life - that's an accomplishment. I will not be (hopefully not) able to have time to read books all the time. What then? Where will I find companionship...where will I look to see a different world? Where will I find the different sunrise and the promised sunset?

And then comes people. Do they belong to the idea of togetherness? I doubt if anything can replace a hearty and healthy laugh that I have over a stupid joke! This can happen with people. The physical distance that is necessary to make you feel warm and comfortable. People who make you smile...people who make you believe in yourself. People who make you , you. The ones with the positive vibes, infectious enthusiasm, and the endless comfort around them....how can one not feel together with them? People you love, the slight touch, the tight hug, and the joyful banter...they also fit the idea of togetherness. 

But then there are also people with whom you spend more number of hours than anybody...and yet feel so lonely? The 1 + 1 never becomes 2 with them. You laugh. you smile. you hug. you cry. But there is a void. All emotions and feelings lack the meaning of being those. You are not true to them or the world. The void revolves around you; like death to a comatose. How can one replace that feeling? Will that be like - being together and not yet so? Can that be called togetherness?  

Will togetherness be all about - you and someone. or is something more. The loved feeling that pets give...people do not feel lonely with them in spite of them being mute. Because they can show emotions - warmth and love. Is this what humans want? The emotions and feelings more than words and conversations. 

I need my words....I need my conversations. And may be I need that someone to complete that togetherness...

And if I do not receive those, Would books come in handy at those times? Would some good music to my ears help?

Numbers...

What's in a number?
Lot many things.
The possibility of connecting two dots...of making one plus one two.
The earth that formed 3000 years ago.
The years spent in waiting for the "miracle" to happen.
The 9 months that mothers wait.
The 10-minute plans.
The last second sprint by the olympic runner.
And for someone, it might just be 27 and counting...

Numbers that can be so insignificant when seen separately, but makes so much sense and value when weaved with some stories around.

Does this happen?

Imagine this.

You are standing at a bus stop with people who take a bus, may be same, may be different, everyday. This goes on for a couple of years. You get into small talks; share your dreams, destinations, desires. Then, someday they never come at the bus stop. They board the bus and are lost forever. Years later you hear that after boarding the bus that day - the last time you met - their lives got moving in different directions. They started venturing towards their dreams, destinies and desires. Most of them as you see or know seem to be in the path they thought they want to take and are doing things they want to do. Or may be doing things that you would not mind doing either.

After being in touch with different sets of people this way - via the bus stop - some day you stand back and realize...you are still at the bus stop!

Is this what people call growing old? Or is this what people call jealousy?

The feeling does not stem from the fact that you have not achieved things - monetarily or professionally. Many a times the feeling is also about reaching a particular stage on personal levels. You see the smiling pictures, you see the places visited, you see the fun and frolic, the picture that has been painted - and you feel that the grass is greener that side.

You might be wrong. You know, there are higher chances of mountains looking beautiful from a distance. But then, there is a part of you that sighs and wonders - will I ever get into the right bus? Will I ever reach the destination I want to reach? Oh yes, I know the destination --- I know my dreams ---- the problem is not about not knowing. The problem is about knowing too much. Knowing all the details you want.

Too much of being fussy might not help the cause. But then, will it be too late before I understand? And till then, I will continue looking over other people's fusiness and the real side of the stories, and continue waiting for my bus?

Traveling tales...

What are we in this world?
A mere traveler.

A traveler that travels. Never stops. Never exhausts. No destination is the final one. He yearns for more. He never settles at one place. He will relish the journey and even the temporary destination. But he will keep moving on. And wherever he will lay his head, it would be home.

Us, humans, just like this traveler roams around. Run for things. Increase the pace of our lives as per the situation demands. Come rain or shine we do not stop. We fight with nature, we build shelter against natural disasters, we kindle hope among the entire clan. We move on. We go on. Most times we do not have a destination in mind, and if we do, there is still no stopping us even if we reach the desired place. We are bound to continue moving! This fight for the finish that we are leading is nothing but a mere journey, a small sojourn on this planet in this life of ours. A journey that never ends. A destination that is seldom reached.

And then we realize, how stupid of us to not sit back and ponder over this. When did we lose ourselves so much in the pace and flight that we forgot to see the serene surroundings. The blue sky and the bluer sea. When was the last time we heard the bird chirping or made peace with the high waves of sea? Why did we not say the words that were meant to be said at the right time? When did we start caring so much for the society of the fellow traveler in the next tent base? When did we start fearing the future, when the truth is we do not even know what's gonna happen the next minute or day?

And then, there is this amount of time we spend on doing the minute things; the selection of the dress to wear or the food to eat; the button to press or the question to ask; the letter to write and the report to be made! A never ending charade. A spate of issues today, tomorrow, and forever.

Some laugh through all this; some cry. Some sail happily, some never try. Some spend so much time pondering that they never reached really anywhere. Some reached glorious destinations but had no tales to share. Some ignored the treacherous paths and took the simple-looking stairs. Some took the whites of the snowy mountains and some tanned under the Sun. A hand here or no legs there, all mere travelers with different stories to bare.

It is all nothing but the way you make the journey. Whether provided with a comfortable bed or not, whether you flew or took the tough road, it is all about how you kept your attitude throughout the journey. You may end up eating the juicy fruits on the way, you may even fight a bear or two, if you are lucky the sun or wind will not be harsh on you. But keep moving on. Do not hold grudges. Do not hold fear. Life is a never-ending journey - sail it with the best of the hope and faith that you have. And who knows, along the way, you might even find the right partner too!

A trip to the beautiful Kerala. Back with vengeance! 

A new job.

Better and brighter prospects.

Promise of a good career ahead.

Yet, there are times when I wonder where am I heading? Is being 'set' in all ways of life that essential?

Why fret?

...over the rising costs? Over the long list of to-do's? Over the escalating grocery rates? Or the cost one has to pay to buy a matchbox of a flat? Over the weight on the head and the pile on the office desk?

Stop. See the clear sky above. Smell the roses. Dance and cook. Live a fret-free life, as it was meant to be!

You and I

In this beautiful world

Green grass & blue sky!

Sometimes in life, this is all one wants! And needs!

Do not tie your emotions to someone's reactions...

When you look like that - I feel am more beautiful.

When you compliment - I feel successful.

When you hug - I feel secure.

When you kiss - I feel wanted.

A vast range of emotions are tied up with the your reactions. Hence, be careful with them. In rage and in sanity.

A friend complains of physical abuse. And I wonder how does one get away with that. Shall she just walk out or tell him how his reactions matter to her, and at times break the very being of her. Being so attached so someone and then let that someone ruin your being - I think loving someone is like a double-edged sword. You get all the happiness from the same person who will hurt you the most too!

What would this be like?

" I know we could save each other, but the truth is neither of us really wants to be saved"
Loser match, marriage and life??
I am not sure that a secret formula exists for the perfect way for two people to lead lives together, but I believe that when one falls the other needs to stand. When one bruises the other needs to heal. May be they aren't as polarizing in nature, but when situations demand one has to drive the wagon ahead.
This postcard on postsecret reveals a lot about giving up? But am not sure how it might be when both.wants to give up! Bottom of the abyss for a relationship...that's what that must be...

Where does the mystery end?

Or rather begin?

Is it when the wailing kid is pulled out of the uterus and the mystery regarding the sex of the child ends?

Is it when the child blossoms to be a perfect young toddler and you are no longer worried whether all his five senses are in perfect order?

Is it when the school he has to go to is selected?

Or is it when he tells you he has a crush on this girl, and you are no longer worried about his sexual orientation?

Or may be it is when he passes out school with flying colours and tells you he has decided what he wants to do in life?

Or is it when he chooses a vocational field with so much of thought that leaves you with no longer care?


A very close person I know is going through a myriad of emotions right now, since her son might be taking off for further studies. And over a period of time, I have realized that her list of endless worries and mysteries regarding him cease to reduce, no matter what. It is like a cycle with no end. May the coming days bring some more cheer and reduce the tension in her life! Amen :)

must-try

Love Actually, is all around.
So is Happiness.

It stares in your face every time you take strides in the normal world with the billions. Or even when you are seated in a 4 X 4 cubicle. All it takes is an Internet connection. Happiness says hi, hello, I am here, I am there, I am living in this one's place. Is it eluding you? You do not know for sure. At times, when the sky is clear and you get those bouts of clear thoughts while your daily sky gazing moments, you realize may be it is not. You just gotta hold on to  happinesss' favorite friend 'patience.' Or may be you gotta learn to live your life via others. People happy = You happy. How simple would life be?
Cos each time you are awake, there are zillion of people happy, smiling, holding hands, hugging, kissing, and jumping, because they are expressing their 'happiness.' Imagine, how happy you will be.
And then, the battle of 'suppressing envy' would not have your participation.

Basic instincts!

A saw a 'positive' pregnancy test today! On that kit. Two lines. One dark, one lightly coloured.
The mother to be was confused whether to call it a positive.
We 'googled' and realized, that this is A YES!!!
I jumped, squealed, and clapped like a baby...but the mother-to-be is holding on to her celebrations because she has been trying since a LONG TIME (oh she has been going through lot many biological procedures for getting pregnant) and would be disheartened to find this as a negative. She may visit the doctor tomorrow to ascertain the test results. But I strongly believe this is a yes, cos these use-once pregnancy kits are rarely wrong.
OH, what a joy!
I am so so happy for her, and the fact that she is gonna be a mother, something that will come oh so naturally to her. She has been wanting a baby since a long time, and hell yes, she deserves it.
You know there are some women who are born to be good mothers. Good care takers.
I really do not see self as one of these. Sigh, do I have any maternal instinct?? When I see my dollop of joy, my best friend's baby, all my emotions bundle up into love for her, and I know this is what it might be to be a mom.But then, I don't know.
Diaper changing, poop cleaning, waking in the middle of the night for their cranky behaviour, and then having dark circles, flabs of fat, falling hair are some of the other negatives.
However, a cute little 'maasi' from my bundle of joy makes me forget all my pain; may be this pull, maternal pull, is basically ingrained in a woman? It may be deeply hidden somewhere within, and when you have your own, you realize how it is...
Oh, I can only wonder...

Do you have these too?

Irrational fears.
I have tons of them. And now, after gaining wisdom from my experience on this planet, I have come to the conclusion that fears are nothing but born out of those ulta sulta ideas of your mind, and also from the way you perceive the world, and the most relevant one, your past experiences.

- I have a fear of falling. I dream about them. Day in and day out. Websites tell me that "falling is an indication of insecurities, instabilities, and anxieties. You are feeling overwhelmed and out of control in some situation in your waking life" Seriously?People who know me, and me too, would vouch for the fact that this is not possible! Insecure, unstable, and anxious...umm..that's not exactly me. Also, read this..."According to Freudian theory, dreams of falling indicate that you are contemplating giving in to a sexual urge or impulse. You are lacking indiscretion." Ahem!! Now now, that *might* be true, but hellow, the number of times I get these dreams, I wonder if that can be possibly true...

- I have a fear of wearing high heeled shoes. The world isn't flat, so shouldn't be my shoes! But alas, I have a fear of tipsy-turvying over those heels. Even platforms are a rare commodity on my shoe rack. I do not run and walk so slow while on platforms, that people with me invariably ask, are your shoes hurting? Oh well...what would they know? I do not like wearing complete flats either...so I am always, always, in the lookout for good shoes. Like if I find my size (Size: 4!!! Yes!! I have Asian feet), I do not think twice before buying them.

- I have a fear of having bad breath at the right time. Haha! Yes, I do have this fear. I wonder from where this stems from. But I know an incident, wherein a guy was rejected by a girl cos his mouth stinked to the core. Not of tobacco, or paan, or anything edible, but you know the general BAD dental stale!! This story had a lasting impression on my mind. So, I am always prepared. Like what if I have to speak something with my boss in low whispers, such that am like just an inch away from him, I do not want bad breath, right. You will always find gum and mouth fresheners in my purse. I use mouthwashes too often. I plan on visiting my dentist often,  but end up doing that irregularly since I hate seeing him and his reminders for getting my cavities filled up!!

-I have a fear of forgetting things while I leave my home. After closing the door behind me, I check all my pockets, my purse for house keys, lens case, mobile, mobile charger, wallet...for like 22 times! I know this sounds weird, but I am really not sure why do I do it. Other than a few incidents of forgetting my wallet at work, I do not remember being lousy about keeping important things at work, and yet, I have this fear? or OCD? What is it?

- I have a fear of meeting with a bad accident when I turn 65-70, and surviving it. Oh this is because my life line says so. You know it's like running pretty long, and then it breaks somewhere near the end, and still continues. I just wonder whether I will be the only one surviving the major plane crash (yes, I believe it will be my trip to Prague and I get stuck!), or will my family members be surviving too?

- I have a fear of losing my hearing somewhere around 60. Hmm...it's already like bad. I do not wear earphones. I have given up on my love of music. And doctors say it requires some hi-fi surgery. I do not want that right now. So, but I hope it doesn't worsen.

So I live with these. What are yours? Its okay, we all survive them and live through. It is just our weirdness that makes us awesome na. And at times hot too! :-)

Jus wondering....

Will tomorrow be a good day?
Will it usher in oodles of joy and laughter?
Will the clock strike 12 with the sweetest of the melodies known?
Will the rays of sun shine brighter than everyday?
Will tomorrow fulfill the promises of today?
Oh yeah, tell me, will tomorrow be a good day?

While roaming through the e-library and going through the virtual stack of countless books, I realized one of them could be me. Mine. A book that transcends and narrates the chapters of my life,  year by year, page by page. Gripped by the thought I was so curious to know how the end might be like? Will it be happy? Will it be sad? Will it let the readers or fellow people use their imagination to conjure an end? Will it have an end, if at all? Or is 'the ending' always something that we make out of it? A frown that can be read as a smile when turned upside down. Or vice versa. 

All that she wished for came knocking at her door.
Either she did not hear the knock or she did not know how to open the doors.
The former and not the latter however seems plausible.
Either which ways, whichever which ways, the loss is hers.
Totally.

Confrontation

So, she finally asked her, not being able to withstand the numerous questions in her head, she finally worked on solving her own misery.

"Why do you always go out with the wrong and bad men?"

--> "Cos sin tastes best on the lips, than anywhere else!"

The Great Indian Novel.
Digital Fortress.
To Kill a Mockingbird.
Love in the times of cholera.

Yes, believe me. I am reading all the four of them. I mean, I am actually reading all of them, got bookmarks in b/w all of them, and no I didn't stop reading them cos they bored me, I just cant wait to start another book at times. Hence, end up starting many simultaneously :) And no, I do not forget the plot, characters or theme of any of them. I pick up a book and gel with it in a few seconds :)

You know how some memories are like those scars which pain only when touched or pressurized.

You know this, and yet you keep on touching it over again, and feeling the pain. Masochist you!