Life - Quo vadis?

When the sky is overcast and the mood somber.

Life is running past me. Rather, life is escaping. I might sit back and ponder my location on life's GPS. But time? Where is it?

There are several things that have changed over the past few months. Most of them are likable, some not so. There is a part of me that wishes to sit back and enjoy the unpredictable rain, and then there is other that just wishes to curse the downpour.

It is a mood of confusion. Stemming from the changes, from the good things and some bad. Bad may be a superlative; but what do you call something that thing that sits at the tip of your tongue each day waiting to be screamed, that sits on your shoulder whispering in your ears, and then that greets you with a devilish smile each time you stare....yeah, the bad thing. The confusing thing.

This state of mind -  is not a part of the routine. It, however, may, enter and be a part of the routine. Do you want it to be a  part of your routine? Does it matter what I want?

Oh, monsoon. What do you do to my mood!

What do you do when you are having a bad week/day at several levels?

First, you forget that its weekend and get up at the usual time and go to work. When you reach, the office is so isolated that even the slightest of your heel sound echoes. And then you sit wasting time for over an hour or two and realize that probably no one is gonna turn up to work today.

You miss going for an interview because you did not understand the instructions to register. Or rather you get ready to go for the interview and then realize that probably you did not get a confirmation mail?! And then you slowly realize that your registration goof up might also lead to missing out on the job altogether!!

You plan to leave early it being a weekend and meet a friend, and then that friend cancels on you because her some far far away relative comes in!

You call up at home and realize the maid has created a ruckus out of the washing machine that was 'on' while you left, and put some more clothes which might shed colours and spoil your whites!! How dare she!

The cook has created a fusion called 'disaster' and served you that for dinner when you returned home at the end of a terrible tiresome day!!

You end up checking your inbox for an e-mail, and then realize that may be you should not have hit the "send" button too soon and  you will not get a new mail because you did!

You realize you are 'losing' it when you have been successful in being calm and composed of late. And then you sigh and nod your head thinking that everything is an illusion. The chaos. The ruckus. The tirade of emotions swelling. The volcano that is about to burst is also an illusion. Only thing real is you are trying to keep sane, and probably you should not hang up your shoes, as yet. Not yet. 

Fragments of imagination...

The present has engulfed her so bad, or was it the past that kept haunting her? She does not know what it was. The fact that she is trying to break the shackles of those rusted grey cells that dream of future, tells that her present is trying to move ahead? She is planning on planning for the future. Plans that mean more than filling the daily planner. But her pen does not frame a word. Her thoughts become hazy and digress.
She wants to dream. The way a common man dreams. Why is it so difficult? Has she succumbed to the fact that destiny will take over and lead her the way he wants to? Or is she being just too scared to speak out her feelings. Her fear of having things not the way she wants them. Her fear of not finding what she is looking for. Her fear of losing even before the battle began. Her fear of not even knowing what was she looking for...

Notions

There is a fear within her that reaches a peak each time she is thinking about this; she is not sure whether it is the bare truth that is hurting her. The truth that plainly says this is all she can get. She cries herself to sleep at times, because she fears that this will be just another add on to her already 'average' life! She does not know what "extraordinary" or "larger than life" things she dreams for, but she hates the average. Being Average. Been with Average. And yet she gets the same. Always. Without fail. Is that what she deserves? All her life, till date, she always believed that she is settling for less that what she deserves. She have been moving on in spite of this feeling and fact existing in her life since the past 26 years. Destiny has always played a big role in her life. She has tried to choose or pave path in her journey, but destiny has always, always, taken over and made her realize that he is the boss. He will do it today too. He will make her realize, this is it. 'You cannot, do not, deserve something better.' And then, the usual, with a heavy heart, lots of tears, she will accept it. She will fight with the so-called God. Call him some names. Curse him for doing this to her. And move on. Rise with the new sun and believe that everything is all right. May be, she has got to live with this feeling of getting less than deserving. May be, she does not deserve more. May be, she has notions about herself. May be, she is that stupid average chick who thought fairy tales come true, friends do not betray you, mom does not ever leave you, and loving someone more than self is not difficult. How will she ever understand?   

*Sigh*

I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me. 

---Melvin Udall, As good as it gets

She knows. Deep within. This is what she wants. This is what that will make her heart go waltz..on a simple street, no matter the weather, no matter if she is in her PJs, no nothing would matter. Even after hearing this...feeling this...she is being stalled by something. Will she know what? Why is her conscience not confronting her and asking her to move forward. Why is she taking her time? Will she hear this again...? Will it be the same? Devotion and nicety. Will it?

Oh, the questions! And the blank wall for answers. And a tumultuous applause is being played by the thoughts in the brain. Each tugging ahead of each other. Which thought will move forward and win the place to be at the tip of her tongue? Or will they never form words? Will the words give rise to a feeling? Or should she WAIT...

When the goin' gets tough...?

I have a thought. A thought that is whizzing around spherically, laterally, perpendicularly around my head since the past few weeks. There may have been a series of events that would have given birth to that very thought, the impression that this thought leaves behind is not very hooray-istic.
Remember when you read the last time how this and that event changed the whole being of that somebody, how this event made you sit back and ponder on things, you got certain things straight, you got all the wrong doings out, how you straightened the creases in your life on realizing that it is always crumbled around, and the likes. When was the last time you would have heard it? Yesterday, or higher chances are today.
I somehow have realised or have been thinking that this does not apply to me. I do not ever pull my socks, get focussed to do that certain thing, set a target for things-to-do, I am not a go-getter.
All these years and while I have been fooling myself (or may be right now, my thoughts are fooling me), that I am a go-getter. I get and achieve things that I wish or demand to have.
Materialistically yes, I do that. Financially, yes, I do that.
But I do not recollect that one moment that would have sent the whole principle book in my life, home.
That one moment wherein I would have cribbed in front of the mirror and set myself a target, and later on went ahead and achieved that.
I would have started a few diets, never reached till the end of it.
I let things go. I may be short tempered, but there is a certain laid back attitude to me.
Most of my managers have told me that I quit easily. Or rather, if I see a path that may look difficult or has not been untreaded, I let it be. I might be bloody good in walking and running on paths laid down for me, paths that assure me success, paths that seems bright and hopeful to me, but otherwise I let the other paths be.
Why do I do that? Why do I feel this?
I do like to the end of the day for projects I have started with enthusiasm, I have been known to have 1000 ideas of nothing, I do do think out of the box, but then this feeling of not working towards a particular something makes me feel a bit shallow within.
Like there is a way, there is a will somewhere, but somehow they do not work in sync.
Whenever I read about this nobody who became somebody in life, and how THAT ONE MOMENT made him/her realize what she wants to do, what he/she wishes to have, what he/she is looking forward to, I just feel empty.
I want that ONE MOMENT.
No rather, I would wish to act on that ONE moment.

Laid back, cool, lazy? What is it that is forbidding me?

Happenings

So many things to do...so little time...
So, I wanna blog often and update the dear page regularly...but I ain't doing that.
Too much chaotic work days, a very very busy personal life, people coming in with long over due notices, people moving out with the blink of an eye!
I have been away for a while now, missed putting my points in perspective.
I celebrated my birthday in style, missed ranting about things that I missed out on and displaying the array of gifts I received.
Too much happening professionally; not the right time or place to rant about it.
Too little happening with too much of force personally; planning to rant about it soon :)
The sibling is here :) With her around I can't even imagine how life moves on without her around!!
I have been attending hour and day long talking sessions...(read: conferences); they amuse me for a few hours and then I get back to a blank state. But I love the few hours that it keeps me at the edge of my seat :) I can't even wait for the speaker to tell "Questions?!" I simply jump with joy :) I have always have had so many...though I do end up blushing and making a fool by asking some cheesey ones.
I ended my association with the library that I had joined :( Yes, I do not HAVE TIME to read. :( Only good thing is, this shall give me time to pick up the unread books lying at home. Cos technically, I can't keep self away from books for long. However, on an altogether different note, these books might be academic ones with some new developments :D

That's it for now.
I have been tweeting regularly now, and I just wonder why did I keep self away from there for so long. It is engaging. And fun. I missed it.

My workplace and I

I have got such boring colleagues. Its been four months now. I still do not talk, crack jokes, laugh, share, the way I did in my last company. I am not liking the whole idea. I am like working quietly, in my own sweet world. I might be reflecting self as one arrogant, moody, and 'do not disturb' me person.

No movies after work. No one to go out for luncheons and dinner with. Oh, the fruit eating times. The coffee breaks. The long chats. The orange candies.
There is so much to miss!

I have/had made some awesome friends at my previous workplace. I guess, its rare to find such wonderful people at work. Who are much more than colleagues.

Here, I just wish, someday I meet somebody, to whom I will so lovingly say the line I so wish to say since a long time.

"Where were you all this while???"

Dots...

I literally counted the green, the red and the orange ones, which represent available, busy, and away, respectively.
And the full moons and the half moons one.

There were 16 virtual people whom I know, somehow, who were there online, ready to talk, or chat.

And I could not find a single somebody to talk to. I was, am bored to death!!

Life can get real lonely sometimes. Or say, boring.

What if you cant text or call up somebody just cos you are bored, or just cos in this tech savvy world you gotta know what anybody is upto at that very moment.

Sigh...


PS: Luckily my office messenger doesn't have these dots, otherwise think about it, 230+ people on the messenger and no one to talk to!! Thats a dreadful thought!

Weighty matters?

I believe 7 out of 10 females wish to reduce weight. If not, my statistical probabilities are pretty wrong.

I got acquainted with this female recently. She is overweight. Yes. Almost 20 to 30 kilos extra. But then, you see such ladies everywhere. Don't we? And they do lead a normal life.

She narrates her 5.30 AM gym experience everyday. How she did this and that, and how she loves doing this and that in the gym. I used to listen to her keenly, and always wonder how she does all this, and comes to work on time too.

Today, when I realized the real motive for her to get fit, or say lose some 15 kilos, I was shocked and felt utter sorry for her.
She is married. Wasn't like this before marriage. When she was going around with the guy, the guy had told her he hates fat ladies!
And today, when she turns out to be one, he has "almost" abandoned her. She painfully admitted that he doesn't want her to be so fat when her NRI Sis-in-law arrives in a time of some 3 months. And how she has resolved to reduce before that!
I mean, seriously?!

what is this guy?
A pig! !

A plain resolution of losing weight seems like a marriage clause for her.
I sincerely wish she does lose weight (rather if need be, I wouldn't mind if God keeps me the same for the next few months, and give her my share of loss...u get it)

But, at the same time, I hope she does rise from her slumber and give the guy "one tight slap" for being such an ASS!!!!

Is this it?!

Today I kind of realized my problem.

While leaving for work, this accident happened in front of me. Not exactly an accident, but this is what happened. There comes this lady who wanted to get into this particular bus. Now there is a bunch of people waiting for the same bus, and ladies gang wait near the front door for entrance. Inspite of that being the first stop, people hoard the bus as if there's no tomorrow. (I think that comes as a Mumbai attitude, may be!) So what happens is, this dear lady isn't even trying to rush or push, is just standing for the bus to come and stop at its position. Sadly, the dashing driver applies brake a bit late and that results in the entire gang that was trying to get in to actually swing along with the bus in a group-like manner. This results in a push to the dear lady waiting for the bus and she loses her balance and falls. Not a major fall or anything like that, the next minute she gets up and happily climbs in, but what I realized at that instant is this...

The first thought that came to my mind after seeing this whole episode was...
It isn't fair for her to fall!!
She did not deserve to fall.
Its others that wanted to get in that rush...they should have fallen, if at all...not her!

Along with this little incident comes in a huge wave of realization. I have always looked upon things, weighed things, so as to how fair / unfair it is. How much did I deserve it, and how much I did not!
I have always fretted over things because, according to me, I deserved them.
According to me, I do not deserve to be in this position at this time. It is so not fair. According to me, I do deserve this share of happiness. Unhappiness is not what I deserve.

With this thought, I realized the core problem of my problem.
My attitude of judging what's fair and what's unfair.
What I deserve and what I do not.

If I would let things be, or just follow what the holy book of hindus say, leave expectations outta your deeds. Leave the strings attaching me to the whole fairness of this world. Leave the whole concept of expectations.

Desire, my friend, is the root cause to sorrow. Now my desires are my expectations. My expectations are there since that is what I have known all my life. I have wanted/wished for things. I have strived to get them. I feel it is very fair to expect them to fall into place and I get what I had strived for. I deserve them. Isn't it human to expect a building to stand tall if you have spent years building the whole thing together?!

I am coming back to a whole circle. I know.
I really wish to accept fate. I am happy with what I have. Then why am I unhappy?
My life may not be full of people, but a few bunch should be enough.
I do get hurt (its fair to feel so) when some loved/close ones ditch me or things do not happen in lives as planned, but I have moved on, or at least I am trying to. Meanwhile, if I feel angry/hurt/bruised ... people should bear with me ! (There, i am expecting again!)

I expect life to be fair to me.
I expect life to not be unfair to anybody for that matter.
Is it a perception problem that I have?
Or merely an attitude one, wherein nothing is what I deserve and everything is unfair!!

I wish I knew. But least, I kind of know, this could be the problem of some of the blue days that I face. Isn't it?

Oh btw that lady is doing good. I saw her while returning from work too :)

Pieces...

One by one
Day after day
I realize I am losing myself.

This is not how I want to live.
This is not how I lived.
Fighting with loved ones around me.
Cribbing and complaining for things, that I have and I don't!

What has brought me here?
Why am I writing this?
This journey was going good. I was patient. I was letting things be. I was waiting for my time. My time when things would be the way I want them to be. When people would react/behave the way I expect them to. When I will find warmth when I outstretch my arms. When I will find satisfaction in each and everything that I venture into. When my positive enthusiasm would turn out to be infectious. Is this just a phase? Or this the fight?

Finding no solace in anything and everything around. Regretting the words said, the incisions deep within. Realizing how easy it is not break a decade-old friendship, and how difficult to build up on it. Realizing the fact that may be, just may be, they are the only friends you have. Colleagues can never be friends. Exceptions are there, but that does not apply to you.

A lost battle. A battle fought with no opponent. A battle fought with no aim. Where's the enemy, I ask? Come show me your face. Do not hide from me...come to me in your entirety.
Does the enemy lie within? Am I coming back to my same old fears, after running a full circle?

Is everything so relative? Is everything gonna be so not real?
Are my dreams always gonna be rosy?
Am I gonna lose out on my patience, much before I start the journey?
Am I ever gonna find peace - within?
Why is one person so important to me ? Are friends our world ?
Am I not attached to other things lot many ?

I can live alone, I say. Then the deep voice just doesn't exactly agree. I can be a loner, live a loner.

The problem is I am not one.
But I am trying to be one.

PS: I have no clue what all I have written. I am not even reading this again. Pardon my lousy self, am not just aware of what I am doing right now. I so not wanna write all this, but I can't talk to self for so long.

I need a break!!

Today was ...

One of those days, when nothing was wrong, and yet everything seemed so!

One of those days, when I fought with S and concluded that this is the last time we both are talking!

One of those days, when I cried for a pretty long time, and then pondered an equally long time, wondering why was I crying?

One of those days, when I so longed speaking to V, and the usual, he cheered me up!

One of those days, when I realized how my close group of friends has disappeared after coming back!

One of those days, when I found myself with outstretched arms and found the end of my arms for comfort!!

One of those days, when I have pondered about my decision to come back!!

One of those days, when I sighed and felt lonely all around, inspite of having a bunch of people around!!

One of those days, when I yet again concluded, how helpless and vulnerable I become at times!!

One of those days, when yet again, faith has been rejuvenated, and I have realized that I am not gonna give up, not yet!!

huh?
Is "Virago" a compliment?

Or shall I punch the person who told me this....???

Hmmm......

Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

He says ... write ... write more.

Write, however, is I do not know what to.
Write about the daily chores, the day-to-day life, the mundane routine which always are spiced up with the expressions and emotions of a human mind. Life as it is. Simple. Lived with pompous joy and galore fun. Or the deviations which come in the form of touchy nature. Rude behaviours. A tear or two, for things done and things happening.

Convert prose to poetry. Express the world as a thesis or an anti-thesis. Kill someone with an overdose of alliterative allegations. Or have the pleasure of someone appreciating alliterations. Wake the poet within. Or do I sigh the non-writer way? Words may cause harm, thoughts are benign. Keep those thoughts within the mind. Let the whole-self be subdued by the hues of your personality.

Or do I stitch the picture of the fragments of imagination. The patches found in my dream. Weave them together. Create a bond. Create a wave. A wave which, might as well, catch your fantasy. Catch you unaware. About the dreams that the eye see. When they are closed. Or in mere daylight. You realize that how much I hate being in the present situation, or how much I appreciate being here , standing here, doing this ...right here, right now. Or the dreams that take me miles away, sometimes real, sometimes fantasy! Dreams that, however, do make living worthwhile. You realize, there's still hope. There's still a long way to go. You realize that there are things , for which you gotta strive, as yet. And you always should. That is why you each day is lived with a fresh breath of air. You have those spring in your step.

How you live each day, all within yourself at times. And at others you know that there will be someone who will renew your springs that will never dry up. you live with that hope.

At times, reality would strike you. HARD!

And you will realize, all that you dreamt, all that you hoped for...were all part of a mere fictional world. A fictional world , which sadly, doesnt turn true for each soul out here.

You realize, you will fall short. Due to various reasons. Citing one, will never be sufficient.

For me, its this. For you, it would be that. The present day would give us a 1000 reasons. And then, might be, you will come to accept life as it is. You will take what it gives you. You will be lead by destiny. You do not know, whether you want it or not. It does not matter, at some stage, so as to what you want.

But till then.

You dream on.
And you live happily.
Ever after ??? You just do not know.

As they say, life is what you make outta it.
Sometimes, its not just that you know.

You will know.

Sooner or later.
It just gets a tad too late, whenver you do!!!

Write, i did.
Expressions swelled.
Feelings melts.
*sigh*
There is not a ray of hope, that the world shows.
Reality is what you see, at the end of the road.
Random clues, random hopes, random memories, random people...sometime they are nothing, but loads...

200th post :)

Yes!!
Double a century !!

Last one was completed sitting alone - at my last house in boston! It was winter time and there I was planning some ways to make it special.

This one comes subtly. Did not even realize it , till now...

:) I am suffering from Weekenditis today. And will be lazy enough to post too much.

"S" and I have parted ways, amicably.
PARTED WAYS - Def: We will not expect a thing outta each other, and suppress a thousand feelings and a thousand questions - if it means we can avoid those tears and fights!!
Its getting way too much !! Just a little more than toooooo much. There is no end at sight. And each time the hour long discussions about how to reduce fights and blah, has brought us to a nought. Enough of all this, I say. And the only option left is , SUPPRESSION.

Of everything. Of each damn feeling.

Live and let live.

Let be. It ideally should work. Wouldn't it?

*sigh*

Wish I could write like him...

My inbox has a mail...

It reads this way....

And I so like it, the way he expresses himself....

Glad I can read!


Strikes you hard,
Strikes you within,
You fall every moment,
You never knew when it crept in.

The reason to smile,
The joyous tear,
You know this time you will let it go,
Without a fear.

It is magical,
It keeps streaming in,
Sea of love,
Deep plunge within.

The mind keeps tracing,
You feel the presence,
Close your eyes,
Every thought makes sense.

Hold on, hold on,
What has happened to me?
You never had the choice,
This was meant to be.

Something to hold on,
Something to stay put,
Life has a reason,
Never let it go off the hook.

Every morning, you bet,
The flashes comes by,
You grab your pillow, slip the good night kiss,
For the only reason you know why.

You search the smile,
The glint in the eye,
Every breath she takes,
You wish to be by her side.

What are rules my friend?
It ain't the money, it ain't the looks,
It gotta transcend all emotions,
Not found in any of the books.

A little bit !

These days while traveling, I tend to observe how many of us have habits that are actually so bad and environmentally un-friendly. Throwing away those train and bus tickets, those chocolate wrappers, empty cans, cartons...etc etc etc..., is so bad a thing a to do ! We all know drops of water makes an ocean. Same way, these small tits bits of paper would end up being that pile of waste on the road. See the larger picture, how much would it hurt you if you just save or conserve the 'waste' or useless papers etc. and throwing it in a dust bin. And if you can't locate a dust bin just throw it in your home's dust bin. How much does it hurt? None. How much it can help? Lot. I remember a long while ago, once while browsing my sister's bag I had found a bunch full of tickets. While ridiculing the fact that her bag was equivalent to a dust bin, she had commented that it's better to make my bag a dust bin rather than the world. Now, I see and realize the depth of the sentence. The mere fact that not everything is recyclable, having a green environment hurts no one and would make you feel that you do actually can do something to help mother nature!
And how I hate the fact that there exists a group of people who lives in rome like romans. So, if my dear friends are in USA they would not spill, they would not spit, they would not throw!!! That's so unfair ! Merely cos you see everything clean, you keep it clean. Cleanliness starts and ends from you. How can one person not make a difference!!!?

Guys, Go Green!!

It aint raining in mumbai, ever since am here :) Other than that since the predicted last two weeks....Rain, rain come again --little Pari wants to play?

Have you heard this about rain??
Life is not about waiting
for the storm to be over,
but learning to dance in the rain.

I do not exactly love dancing in the rain (for that matter, anywhere else..other than when I am drunk) but I do love watching the sky crying ! Just raising your face against the falling droplets of water, gives a sense of freedom within ! I love the feeling of strong winds blowing on my face and my hair going awry (sometimes, I like that) and people trying to catch their umbrellas and some ones their skirts and may be gents catching their lungis :) For that one moment, I like things not under control. The splash of water, the much needed relief from heat, the smell, the rhythm of the falling rain...its all so ...awwwww :)

This reminds me of this oldie song...

Listen to the rhythm of the falling rain
Telling me just what a fool i've been
I wish that it would go and let me cry in vain
And let me be alone again

Album: The Wild Places

Dono when it would rain..must other than the splashes and puddles am also awaiting the hot spicy pakodas that follow :) So yummm.........

Not to forget, the hot sizzling coffee that I would enjoy by my window and the afternoon naps during the weekend would just get longer !!! Aawww.....

And indeed, not to forget ...the terrible feeling of being alone, the terrible nostalgia that would follow, and the terrible vulnerable self that these thoughts would make me !!!

Random observation - iPhone is gonna cost $99 from now on......yes, yes i typed that right and heard that right too..... so much for the wait..now I do not feel like holding a $99 piece of thing !! Things have their charm just when they are new and slightly expensive..not that I am not a fan of saasta, sundar and tikaav ... when it comes to technology, I do not ever mind going bankrupt !!!

Btw, I laughed my "S" off over this!!!! :) Whom does that guy resemble, I wonder....

Makeover

These days, many a times, so often, I do feel like my life could use a little makeover. No,no, no..am not talking about the physical,biological makeover...but a mere attitude or personal thoughts makeover. Just going through the list of incomplete posts makes me realize, how much I am doing, that I do not wish to do, that I do not wish to publish and make it public. How much I am bombarding my dear blog with tits-bits of personal stress. After getting three serious bouts of giving up blogging, after fighting each day till 2-3 am at night, after having a tiff with dad each day, I realize ...something is terribly wrong. And since, the common factor among all these things being - yours truly, I definitely need A MAKEOVER!!!
I think I can do better! Well, I know each one of us feels this way, almost daily. But trust me, the kind of hyperactive and cribbing self that I have become, I wish to trap myself within myself for sometime and think, where - what - why !!!! At times, me thinks, I just do not need any sorta thought process now. Am done with analyzing my life, am done being a thinker, I just need to enjoy life more, but then ... the thinking hat doesnt leave me so easily, and alas, I think !
I can always go and read self-help books, attitude changing books...but, I personally hate them. How can anyone, just about anyone, read things that people went through, the circumstances being different for everybody personally, and be inspired to do something along the same line. I mean, hats off to the one who has written them, for coming out of those kind of situations, but then, for the reader , well dear, u better pull your socks and start running. Reading a book, aint gonna HELP!
So, what do I do?

Looking for ways to find inspiration, looking for ways to find a change, can't think of any/many as of now, but I know this -- a little change here and a little change there, would lead to a huge change in the number of fights I have each day with each person I come across. Starts with my sis, continues with the people who call me through the day, and ends with the usual drama with dad. I do not know, what's making me so uncomfortable - they are the people I have being with all this while, without one uff. And now, well, LOOK at me ... no, actually do not look at me !
My best friend is at the verge of giving up on me. My sister feels that I have a deep rooted negative attitude toward the world. And someone else feels, I need not think so much and just CALM down.

Well, all heard and done, when I sit and analyze (yes, yet again) I feel - I am being restless, I am being hyper, I am being angry, because ...
I feel unhappy.
I feel sad.
I feel possessed.
I feel obsessed.
I feel like a runner, who's not yet reached the last lap, yet the race got over!
I feel like a kid, who is still crying for the toy, which his mom has kept aisles above.
I feel like a better, who has lost millions since the number one horse, didn't win that very day!
I feel like that man in shades of grey, who always misses his bus!
I feel like the last student entering the class, who is scolded each day, and yet he doesn't improve.
I feel lost.
I feel mediocre.

Reasons, any reasons why I feel that?
I need to sit and analyze them now !!!

BUT I so definitely need a MAKEOVER !!