Pieces...

One by one
Day after day
I realize I am losing myself.

This is not how I want to live.
This is not how I lived.
Fighting with loved ones around me.
Cribbing and complaining for things, that I have and I don't!

What has brought me here?
Why am I writing this?
This journey was going good. I was patient. I was letting things be. I was waiting for my time. My time when things would be the way I want them to be. When people would react/behave the way I expect them to. When I will find warmth when I outstretch my arms. When I will find satisfaction in each and everything that I venture into. When my positive enthusiasm would turn out to be infectious. Is this just a phase? Or this the fight?

Finding no solace in anything and everything around. Regretting the words said, the incisions deep within. Realizing how easy it is not break a decade-old friendship, and how difficult to build up on it. Realizing the fact that may be, just may be, they are the only friends you have. Colleagues can never be friends. Exceptions are there, but that does not apply to you.

A lost battle. A battle fought with no opponent. A battle fought with no aim. Where's the enemy, I ask? Come show me your face. Do not hide from me...come to me in your entirety.
Does the enemy lie within? Am I coming back to my same old fears, after running a full circle?

Is everything so relative? Is everything gonna be so not real?
Are my dreams always gonna be rosy?
Am I gonna lose out on my patience, much before I start the journey?
Am I ever gonna find peace - within?
Why is one person so important to me ? Are friends our world ?
Am I not attached to other things lot many ?

I can live alone, I say. Then the deep voice just doesn't exactly agree. I can be a loner, live a loner.

The problem is I am not one.
But I am trying to be one.

PS: I have no clue what all I have written. I am not even reading this again. Pardon my lousy self, am not just aware of what I am doing right now. I so not wanna write all this, but I can't talk to self for so long.

I need a break!!