Speaking out loud helps...
It makes you realize what kind of thoughts are running through your mind, and what you may actually really think~~
Today, I spoke out loud. And that too without being drunk.
It was just a series of thoughts that must have triggered this emotion, or rather stupid talks or rather charade...but I realized may be, I am not that good a person I am thinking that I am!
You know the feeling??
So, I had been bothered about my equation with my friend off late. And I just couldn't fathom the reason why?
Why could I just accept the fact that things , lives, have changed and it is the time to make our relationship a back seat...and run the car in 1st gear!!
But hell no? I just could not fathom it!
When I spoke it out aloud today with A, I realized I might actually be jealous of my friend.
Jealous, I say. Of what, you may ask?
Jealousy is defined as the killing feeling that grips your heart when you see something good or something that your heart yearns and the other gets.
So what does this friend in question have that I do not. And that would make me so jealous??
I reason and question with A, and finally realize, as a matter of fact rather, that may be it is just me. You know, just me who's thinking that "this is happy" "this is sad" "this is more" "this is less"
So when I see and believe that I am having "less" and she is having "more", I rather astonishinigly become jealous of FRiend!!
And how I reflect it, is from the tons of fights that I have with her. From the rude expectations that I have, ok not that rude, but wrong to a point.
But then, when I see her adapting to all the roles that she has played so gracefully in life, I realize I do not do that. I crib. I cry. If I have to act like a mouldable clay, I may, I rather will, but not without showing some support, some restrain. I am like that.
She adapted, she adapts. She sees how to make the best of the situation in front of her, and makes hay outta it.
Is this adapatibility that I am jealous of? or is the factors surrounding her that I am jeaolous of??
Am I really actually jealous?
I still remember the smile and joy I get when I used to see her cherish and achieve things that she had always dreamt of. The high marks that she secured, the amazing talents that she has ...and the way she displayed them all. They made me feel proud that she is my friend. The smile that I used to get when I used to see fight for the minutest of the mark, and get it. If there was a triumph involved, I used to be happy with her. For her. And always have been. I do not ever remember being fake.
Then why today these thoughts?
Has life come to such a crossroad where I cannot see anything other than others, and their lives?? Have I grown that timid and tiny that I need a limitless tall ladder to overlook the crowd and see my world?
Or has the world broken into so many pieces or rather just misplaced some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, that I am completely lost looking for it?
Well, answers I do not have. Not for the moment.
All I can say, is , If I am actually thinking what I have been thinking, that makes me a bad person at heart.
And I would rather not be one!