Happiness is a decision you make, not an emotion you feel

She was one of the most lively person known to me. She taught me, not exactly with a pen and slate, the importance of being self, the respect and knowledge that can be gained by doing the most mundane of the stuff, and the importance of being with family, loving them, cherishing them. She taught all this by being a mere example. Her cherubic self was contagious. I realized how easy it is to look upto her.

She loved him. Or so she said. She kissed him. Or so she said. But when time came to take a decision, she flipped. She took back the small little steps that she had taken towards him. She flinched cos she knew her family will never approve. Or may be neither will his. Two mature individuals not taking the bait called 'love' cos there are bigger things in life to be concerned about.

The spectator saw it all, and believed it might be a wise decision. However, the spectator knew if places were exchanged, she wouldn't do the same.

Then she fell in love again. To the disgrace of her own self, a similar one. She loved him. Or she believed. This he was more strong and sturdier to take the forbidden path, if need be. He did not care about her family views or decision. She believed, she cannot make the same mistake twice. She ought to stay firm this time. He went thousand of miles apart, with no contact for a few months. She realized, may be, it is not meant to be. The "they" never worked out. She realized how she ought to behave and believe the best is gonna come only through family consensus.

She was born with the idea of believing this.

I never agreed. The spectator argued. She sighed, and said it aloud, one does not think about all this. That is the best remedy. Just go with the flow. And see what destiny holds for you. Be happy under any given circumstances. Well, I argued, with this school of thought, no one will ever be unhappy? Or may be, I was talking alone and not too loud.

She got married to a guy she did not love. This she definitely believed. She was not prepared to be with him, life long. Yet, she gave in. To the demands and expectations of the family and the society. This is when, I realized I can never be her. Nor ever look upto her. She isn't me. I cannot be she. I will not succumb to certain demands. Independency and freedom mean a lot to me. I was taught to respect this since birth.

He is definitely not for she. Yet they live on, move on, settle down, make love and babies. Now, she loves he. She did what she has been doing all these years, loving respecting and enjoying family, responsibilities, and probably life.

She does not mind not getting her freedom. Not getting the independency. Not getting her degrees to use. She does not mind missing all her TV shows, cos he does not like it. She does not miss the shopping sprees or the roadside foods we shared.

She does and did what she has been doing the best. Playing roles, different roles, with ease. She gets in the skin with such an ease, she sticks to duties like a magnet to iron. She sighs, may be. She never thinks, mostly.

She lives on. She loses her youth a tad too early. In today's world, too early. I watch and realize, do I really wish to look upto her?

I will probably never be the daughter, sister, wife, and mom she is...and then I just do not know, whether I wanna be all this like her, or I love the way I am portraying a few of these roles.

Different worlds. Different strokes. Today, if we both were to paint a picture of our lives, the disparity would be too obvious. Would the colors she use be all hueless? Or more bright than ever before?

Shall I pray that her babies do not do things that she did. Do not give up on ideas and ideals, like she did. Do not get influenced by family and society to an extent of losing self identity. Or may be pray, that they be, just like her. Strong and sturdy, and probably disciplined enough to love life, whatever it may be like. Decide to be happy, and not probably go for feeling it!