Saturday, November 5, 2011

So, what is your problem?

I know what is mine. Or least, I will like to pretend I do.
Especially, during those PMS days, (yes, god is a MAN), I clearly understand the innumerable things that are bothering me, and how even the tiniest of things like a toe stub makes me swear like enormous words.
The problem is, the soul that is unsatisfied.
I would drive a Maruti, and I would dream of a Merc.
I own a Nokia, and I would want a IPhone.
I read from a laptop, and I would want a Kindle.
I would have short hair, not to forget, wavy and thin, and like I will go bald morrow, and I would want long, straight, shiny, smooth hair.
I would be short, so short that I realize post 5 minutes than others that it is raining, and I would wanna be the first one to get wet.
I would be wearing lenses for proper vision, and I would want either laser-corrected eye sight or no specs at all.
I would be eating Pizza at California Pizza Kitchen at Lower Parel, and I would be dreaming about the Boston outlet at Prudential Towers.
I would be ordering Green Salad, and cursing the calorie count of Nachos with cheese dip.
I would realize I am planning to buy a house, and realize it is such a small one that I am thinking about, I should have been thinking of a villa or a castle...oh the little me.
The problem isn't that I am unsatisfied, the problem is I DREAM BIG!!

I mean, c'mon how many of us would be or can be like Shahrukh Khan. You know what I mean?
He starred in that song " Chaand Taare Tond Lau" and sang "Mein ban jau sabse bada..." And his wishes were fulfilled. And how. I do envy him for that whenever I hear that song.
But the point is, the problem is dreaming big.

If I were a cricketer, a normal Ranji playing cricketer, I would have wanted to be Sachin Tendulkar. I would have yearned and envied his fame, money, skills, and public image.
If I were an IT person, I would have wanted to be Narayan Murthy.
If I were to be a doctor, I would have wanted to be a Naresh Trehan or Ramakant Panda.
If I were to be a journalist, a normal weekly newspaper ka journalist, I would have yearned to be Burkha Dutt or Pranoy Roy.

This would always keep me unhappy, always make me feel like I should ask for more.
I mean I am at the wrong side of 25, I am achieving and slowly climbing the corporate ladder, I am doing a bit to give back to the community and stuff, but I am still not there.
I dreamt BIG, HUGE, MAMMOTH stuff.
I dreamt or yearned to do a lot of things, achieve fame and fortune in each of them.
It is not like a jack of all, master of none, but there has to be atleast something that I can look back and feel, I did pretty good out there. I do not know, is it so wrong to dream big? I do not wish to be the oridinary 9 to 5 working professional, who comes home, cooks, sleeps, prepares for the next day, works like an ass, gets a good appreciation or two, and the cycle continues. I want more, little bit more. I wanna do much beyond the stated limit. Not professionally, but even otherwise.

Frankly, knowing the health conditions that I have surpassed over the period of time, I do feel proud of doing things that I have done, but I crib with the idea that I was not the cream layer of things that God selected or created.
I would have loved to be there.
You know, being there, doing that.

This thought, does not come often. But when it does it kinda slides across the very being and leaves me with a question mark.
So many ideas, so many plans...

Working for an NGO, making a documentary showing things that matter to me, learning different varied things, working in a orphan house, animal shelter, old age home, earning enough to give to charity, do my bit for neuro specialty, help deaf people, learn more about research done on deafness, put my degree to better use, participate in theatre, karaoke, and the list goes on.

All I wish is that this sojourn on the earth, though filled with endless health complications, endless problems on the social and professional front, does not snatch away from me my main purpose of being here. And I feel, a strong gutsy way, that I am here to do much more than what I am doing.
May be I have started in a teeny weeny way, may be I am exploring the right avenues, I really do not know, but I have a strong faith and hope, that someday I will reach there.
Till then, yes there is a problem or there are problems, but indeed there is light at the end of the tunnel.
So, dream big, shall we? 

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