Monday, August 11, 2008

Life Goes On . . .

Yeah, that's the only lesson I learnt from the incidents that has occured in my life over the past few days or months rather !
I don't know why i am writing this, or what is prompting me to put all my thoughts on paper/blog each time i am flooded with thoughts or emotions ! May be my loneliness here in this country justifies my action. I have been staring at this screen and the blinking cursor since the past few minutes and i really dono of how to frame sentences and put my thoughts in words. Those self talks or self motivation arent actually helping me in real terms. I have stopped pretending what i am not or rather reality has come and struck me in a way that its gonna take ages for me to get over it. Dreams , they actually don't get fulfilled. They are a part of human's creative mind and creative thoughts to keep himself going on. Something that they need to keep himself occupied with or just have a goal for the mere sake of it. Trust me, they don't ever ever get fulfilled. Dream - i aint saying no dont dream, but don't dream with the hope that it will get fulfilled. The sooner you realise this, the happier your life would be !
It was just another jobless day of my life, just another day i thought, till i got a call from back home - My Mom has taken sick ... she is almost sister and dad were being quite brave while talking to me, and never mentioned what exactly happened ! Finally at the end of conversation, when i persuaded my sister what exactly has happened , she said .. its something like Brain Haemorrhage !! They assured me it's all all gonna be alrite - and i didn't need to rush back home , situation was under control !
Rushing back home was delayed cos of my joblessness. This country wouldn't have allowed me to come back had i left it without a job after graduation. The call came on Tuesday, mom had to pass a week in the same condition, and the doctors had assured us, things can get back to normal. Each day, i discovered something new about brain haemorrhages ! I just realised that inspite of being a student of Science and working toward Cancer, there is nothing in this world that i could do to save my mom ! People assured me telling that even if i would have been a doctor i couldn't have done much !!
Those few days, my faith in God kinda rejunivated. I learnt certain prayers mom had always asked me to learn. Me and my sis always talked about keeping faith and thought that it's just a wake up call from God for not taking certain things for granted. We knew the will power that mom had..we knew that she can take it all and come out of it very well. I prayed, i prayed so hard --- i could sense the fear and i could sense the helplessness that i faced. Each call made my pulse go high...i couldn't talk to people normally. I always gave in and cried like a wailing child...i didn't know anything and always knew things were bad and people are just telling me fraction of the correct things ! 4 days passed... i realised that things are the same. Mom couldnt be operated since there were some complications involved. The side effects of haemmhage started taking place. On the 6th day, my sister cried for the first time over phone. I realised, it's getting back.
I started pulling all the strings that i could. People assured me to be patient and not take any hasty decisions cos it will ruin my career !!! All i knew was, i wanted to be with mom .... just besides her right now ! Finally my sis told me, Pari come home !
I think that was about it. I could sense the fear. I could sense the grief. That was the last time i talked to her till i landed. I didn't speak to my sister for some 72 hours cos i was scared to talk to her and hear her being weak. Dad always maintained the same tone. I managed to get some offer letter from some far away uncle for a temporary position and i flew back home. My last prayer was --just keep her there till i reach !
Alas, it wasn't fulfilled. Mom didn't wait for me. She may be just realised that i have booked my tickets and am coming. 8 days is all it took to get over. Mom left us ... or rather her God took her away from us.
My mom ! She was the most simple person i know existed on earth. She was such a satisified soul that she never had any dreams or anything to crave for. People tell us, fulfill all your mom's dreams ! Me and my sister stare at each other to wonder what it is that mom really wanted. She wanted her daughters to study and get good education. We both did that .We were good daughters. We were close to her. We loved her. I wonder what she must have had in mind that she didn't fight with her god to keep her with us. She was very very religious. She always told us never to worry about anything. All that happens in this world happens with God's desire and we need to know that they will happen when the time is right ! She always prayed to get freed from the cycle of birth and death. It was in her fate that she just had to give in this lifetime. Not take anything from anyone. This was the time that i had always been waiting for. I complete my education -- earn money -- get mom things that she would like ! How useless and hopeless i feel ! I couldn't even get a job till she was here ! I couldn't even repay the debts that i owed to her ... i couldn't even tell her how much she means to me and i really really need her !
Why she just left like this !!!!!! Why !!!!!
There are so many questions that me and my sister keep on discussing till date. Yesterday we just realised, we better stop doing that. Cos there are no solutions to it. No one is gonna come to us and explain to us why this happened. Death is the worst kind of separation that one can ever ever face. It has just made me realise how strong and harsh death is. I have lost certain close people in life, but never faced this grief. Never. Death is so so vulnerable. I feel betrayed at times. I am so young, i still don't know how to roll a round chapati ! I still had to ask her so many things, yet she just left us. More than myself, my sister and dad didn't deserve this. My sister is shy and kinda was the closest to mom. What will she do without her?? How will she cope up with all this?? Why is god being so freaking harsh to her ?? She is a nice human being and trust me she doesn't deserver this...She doesn't ! What will Dad do now ??? Even the thought leaves me numb. I don't get any idea any clue , so as to what will happen next !! Its like ... you blink and its all over !! Over !!!!!
She was a teacher. She gave education to 100's of kids, it all just makes me realise , she was in this world just to give. There is definitely a balance book up there. Give and take. Some people are here just to give and some envied ones just to take. I know this now for sure.
I am not sure so as to where and how my life is heading. I always always lived with this fear , that one day i will lose the people i love the most ! And yeah, i am facing it all now and how.
I am so jobless here. I feel like a traitor. I feel like i dont belong anywhere. Nowhere to go kinda. I can't be there since i have a career to make. I have to do things that i was here for. Here i have nothing to do and nowhere to go! Job is getting nowhere near sight. Nowhere. I am so so lost. And this situation is just making me realise the true friends that i have. Hardly any. People here who used to like to be with me, aren't with me anymore. Since now i am a bore. I need to get cheered up. People have to force me to get me talking unlike before. And at times it all seems like a sympathy. Even the smallest of their help seems like sympathy. I don't want that. But when i see my situation as a stranger, even i feel like pitying myself. huh, why is this happening to me ?? Why !!!!!
My faith in anything and everything is standing at a standstill. I dono whom or what to rely on. It's will just take one more day for things to change in my life. All equations in life that i once strongly believed have changed and how. I now wonder of their existence in the first place. The question of having faith in God is irrevelant. If i think about his existence, its only cos mom strongly believed in him. She had lost so many people in her life, yet she had faith and respect for god, that i can only think of. But it''s this same very god , who is being so unkind to my dad and sister. And all i know is , this wasn't the right time. She deserved to be served. She deserved to get back a few things. This was her time, the time where she could have sat back and relaxed and cherish the things that she has toiled so hard for. She was a simple woman and never asked for fame or money and yet her God takes her away !!! I am not sure what mom wanted. Cos sis tells me, each person would demand for 1 last thing, and mom didn't ask for life...she didn't !! Mom knew what she wanted and may be time will tell us why !! She didn't wait for me, that made my sister realise that she has detached herself from this very life...she had !! All i now know is, Her God better give her what she wanted. Her God better keep her happy up there. She deserved a lot more, and may be --it's heaven where she belongs !
Such things in life, makes you feel so vulnerable and helpless. I have never ever felt so helpless in life. Never. We will go on and pull through all this. That's the only thing that me and sis talk about. Pulling through. Afterall we are our mom's daughter and we know how she would have liked us to be strong and face it all.
Its disappointing to think that so many relations in my life have changed. My sis has become the mature mom. My dad will never complain about mom over phone. He never asked me about Food or what i ate and all...and now he always will. I can never be the same carefree young girl i knew .... may be in front of them i would be...but i will miss those fights with mom, dad and sis. They will not take place again, that much i know i wish all this were a nightmare ! How i can only wish ! We think god gives us problems, since we can endure them , and come out of them. But you know what, even i am very weak and need a mom to rely on !! I am not strong... i dont want to be strong. Though , i dont see many options in front of me right now....hardly any !!!
No shoulder to cry on, the list of loved ones getting shorter...feeling helpless about my family members back home...and yeah, not getting a job ! And yet, Life goes on... Earth revolves the same way...sun rises and sets in the same way ! Everything, just about everything happens the same normal way .... It's a relief to think about it. Least there are certain things , that god doesn't change !

PS : Come to think of it, on 27th June i thank god for giving me such a nice family..and in 15 days he changes it all !!!

1 comment:

niki said...

"Dreams , they actually don't get fulfilled"- Is this true??

We dream only those dreams that are achievable..have you ever dreamt of flying like superman have you ever dreamt of stopping a moving plane with your feet..NO!!..all those dreams you've dreamt are +ve disturbances and they will turn into realities only if you BELIEVE in yourself..remember the only one who can pull you down is yourself..fight and fight hard...success I see :)

No shoulder to cry on?Look around-love and be loved..Be a strong girl that's what your Ma always wanted you to be.

GoodLuck Pari..God Bless..keep smiling