This is just one of those blogs which is coming after a long gap and I think I am going to write all the 'random' random thoughts that I (or anyone) keep on getting anytime and you do feel like putting it down in paper then and there...
First thing, I have recently noticed this - clarity of thoughts ! The way I write my mails or blogs or anything random ... how I use .... and how I never write any sentence without too many !!!! or thoughts divided in 10 lines, which if put in one sentence can finish off in 3 !! I think it has something to do with your state of mind. When I write a mail to a friend or blog, I see myself talking my heart or mind out, so may be ... the confused state of the mind and the rush and flow of words just come out , and that's how they look ! People who has patience to frame their sentences, words - can type like continuous sentences, they think more than once before giving life to that sentence. I do like reading the continuous sentences and long things which at times you feel just won't end ! So, I think , I have a confused mind. No surprises, I am one of those, who at times can't take decision quickly, one of those Impromptu decision takers , last minute decisions and living life like that.........
Secondly, so I am settling with this kind of scare in my mind. There is happiness around me, with people whom I am related to! There is satisfaction, success and happiness in general state of the things and people around me. The self within me, is not happy. Looking and craving for inner happiness since long. Last few months have been the worst ever that I have faced in my life and I sincerely pray that not only me, but no one else either should face such kind of unhappiness and tough phases in life. Well, my fear and scare is , I don't want to start envying and get jealous of these people. I mean, you know, I am scared...I am happy that they are happy, but why one part of my soul cries out so loud .... the inner volcano erupts at times. It's scary. The 'nazar lagna' concept scares me to be frank. I don't wanna do that. Just cos I am facing one of the worst phases of my life , it never ever means that I treat other's happiness as a reason to get jealous or feel unhappy. Sigh, I wish I could control that part of my mind or heart and instruct it too well, so as to how to be happy with other's happiness and not unhappy about the fact that you STILL are not happy !! The smiles and laughs outside, just don't matter you know..... When I think about myself, I feel sad and unhappy. I don't like it. I am living each day, thinking about each and everything but not myself and my current state ! It depresses me at times. Touche wood, cos I am able to divert my mind from these thoughts. I am able to. If I were to think about myself for hours, I become sad. I see the loser that I don't wanna see or even think about. I do. So, all I do or may be it naturally comes to me is , getting involved with every other thing. Try not to miss things , that I miss and might miss always. hmm.....
And there are some happy things that I see and it immediately gets a smile on my face , rather than a sigh..
Random things like:
- A mom and daugter together. Mom instructing her what to do, not to do and holding her hand while crossing the street or getting off the train :) It's so priceless.
- The sweet kiss that lovers share , at any random time. I find it very very sweet. A kiss means a thousand words, I feel. It's a very special way to share a thousand feelings that you have for anyone. The sweet hug, minute kiss, peck , holding hands....its too good a feeling to even see the love that people share. I recently saw this lovey dovey couple at Harvard square station. I immediately could sense the unsaid need of having each other and cherishing the fact that they both were there together at that very time! It was very nice. Could hear the line' Love actually...is everywhere' running in my mind :)
- Friends laughing uncontrollably over some oh-so-stupid joke, without caring a bit for the onlookers or passerby's ... It's so nice , to see the carefree and young fun that friends share :)
- Seeing the eternally 'TALL' people doing certain things so easily, which certain height constrained people can't imagine doing without the help from a four legged tool !! Ok, this strictly can apply to me :D
- Certain words, lines of songs ----simply, just miserably , puts a smile on my face ..
Just few examples I can think of right now;
* ' Darte na they maut se, ab magar darne lage* --- Aawaz do humko!
* 'Jee rahee hoon mein ki mujko tumse pyaar hain'* -- Dil tadap tadap ke keh raha hain
* ' Jaane kya paake meri zindagi ne, Has kar kaha, ha ha ha..ha..*--- Aaj fir jeene ki tamana hain
* ' Send someone to love me, I need to rest in arms' * --- Better man
* ' How many times will love pass me by ....* --- Until I find you again !
--- Oh, I can make a long list ! A long long list for such kind of songs, words ....
Recently, have caught up with my reading habit, thanks a ton to the Public libraries of USA :)
Have been reading day in and day out, I am sooo glad that there are books, and there always will be books, which you just don't feel like putting down till you finish it.
Last night, for example, I read this one in one go - The last song of dusk by Siddharth Sanghvi.
What a marvellous writer he is ! I mean he is more of a poet rather than a writer. I guess I am gonna blog just writing about this book, so let's save the elaborateness here :)
I just get dreams now of how I just wanna BREAK !
I don't wanna remain the strong person you know. I wanna show the vulnerability that I have. That I face each day- each night. Yesterday, as fate would have had it - I walked the worst 2 miles of my Life. All alone, with some huge bag behind my back, as usual, and walked in the dark evening ... to home !!! A place I have recently started calling home, though at times I don't want to ! There were cars rushing past me, in the darkness , more of the dragging that I was doing -- I lost track at times, I couldn't imagine, what I am doing here, what has brought me here. Why do I have to face these things. Can I just not get some time now, when I don't have to think about the tough things that I have to face -when I am lonely. Know what, even I wanna smile and laugh when I am alone. I am fed up of being strong, being the multi-faceted personality that I have become off late. Showing and shining with the world and yet in your shell you are the most vulnerable. I wanna break !! I don't wanna be strong !!!
How long, I wonder, am I gonna carry this things in my mind ! Can't I achieve somethings - that I crave so badly for !!!
You know Life is unfair when -- you don't get the ones and things you want and you lose the ones that you have :)