If I could talk to you just once more. If I could hold you once more and let you know how much you mean to me. If I could tell you things that I had kept asides in the ‘later’ box. If I could ask you all the recipes doubt that I had. I had to ask you the secret ingredients of your delicious cooking. Doesn’t that pass from Mom to daughter? How would I miss the motherly advice when I would have my kids? How would I miss the pride in your eye when we would have got married? How much you would have enjoyed having the tension of arranging our marriages. In that tension you would have had the best moments of your life. Didn’t you deserve to see that all? Whom would I turn to when in trouble? Who would give me the advice that I need? Who would tell me that things would happen, even if it would take ages to let that happen? Who would make my belief in God become stronger? How I loved seeing those hands. How I loved seeing you reading those women magazines and gasping that how things have changed over the years. How I loved your wet hair on a Sunday morning. How I cherished the breakfast that you made during weekends. How I loved when my friends used to hog on my tiffin, the food you cooked was so yummy. If you would have known how much I would have missed you, would you have left me ?
I am being selfish, I know. The tears and the questions don’t help your soul. But I would always be a kid to you.I won't cry, I always promise. I do not wish to hurt you up there. And I know how much my tears trouble you. The moments I treasured and those moments I always will. To ask you the questions that always made you laugh. To tickle you lying besides you on a lazy Sunday afternoon. Seeing that smile in your eyes when at times I used to hand you my made tea. Seeing those Matinee shows with you. Seeing the way you used to see the price tags on branded stuff. And yet letting me buy them. Seeing the way you wore those glasses almost over your nose! Troubling you with sis in tow. Making you dream and wondering why you never did. Asking you questions of the past. The pain in your eyes when I was hurt. The tears in your eye when you were hurt. Seeing you weak or ill was not that I could fathom. Seeing the strong spirit that lied within you. The optimism that you left within all of us. The faith that you had. The God whom you adored. The troubles that you faced and the strength that you displayed. The modern thoughts that you had. The freedom that you gave. The way you saved pennies. The way you worked hard and I lazed around. The way you used to come with a bottle of hair oil on weekends. No matter how much I disagreed, I agreed to let you put that in my hair. The way you twitched your nose when I would put any deodorant/perfume. The way you used to always make out when I would eat outside and wouldn’t tell you. The way I lied at times and you always would understand it somewhere and yet never tell that to me. The way you missed sis silently. The way you cherished her and the unspoken pride that you had of her. The way you valued education and let us do what we wanted to do. The way you used to get angry when I would fail solving tough Maths problems. The way dad used to defend me when you used to get angry at me when I couldn’t understand textbooks. Those bus rides and those train rides that you took alone always made me worry about you. The way you used to get worried when I would take them alone. The way I used to hold your hand over the years while crossing the road. The way you used to go to the library in rainy nights to change the wrong book that I would have got! The way you took care of me when I was bedridden. The smile that you always carried. The tears that seldom followed. The strength of your character and your soul would always live on. Mom, it would always live on A saree cladded woman makes me cry and it always will. A care taking mother reminds me of you and it always will. I will live without you, I will let not fail you and the trust that you had. You would always be besides me, I know. You will still hold me when I am falling and be the strength that I want. But sometimes I would just silently wish, if you wouldn’t have trusted me this much.
I could never realize how it would have been, had I known the last time I saw you, met you were the last time I would be able to do that. I wouldn’t have left. I wouldn’t have boarded that plane. I wouldn’t have let go off you.
I have lost the shelter that I would have taken at the end of a day. Lying in your lap, your hand comforting me, I miss it all. I never thought you would leave me like this. You never told me bye. You never made me see the frail you, the weak you. Why did you trust me so much? Why?
I wish in heaven they have the eggless choclate cake you like. They have people calling you when the clock strikes twelve. They have the communication system where you could hear your daughters wishing you, silently with a tear in their eye. I will always miss you the same. There would be not a single day when I wouldn’t miss you as much as I miss you today.
Mom, Happy Birthday!