Thursday, June 21, 2012

Dear Mom,

Silently I grieve. In some weeks it will be more than four years that we started to lead a life without you. I am terribly scared Mom...what if one day I forget how it was to be with you? What if one day I will not get those dreams where the four of us are leading a normal life and doing some mundane activity? What if one day I will not be able to feel the texture of your palms and the warmth of your lap on closing my eyes? A day when I will forget how it was when you used to come to wake me up!
Will my memory play such a terrible game with me? 
I do not know am scared of forgetting or the fact that forgetting would mean that I have accepted that you are longer around. Sometimes, the silly me, still rushes to the kitchen to see you cooking some scrumptous meals when I return home from work. You know those lovely Sunday afternoons we spent standing at the balcony and talking and playing some random stuff. Of how I used to tease you and Dad about a red coloured car...How I loved seeing that smile and "let me go" wails from you when I used to tickle you..

I miss the warmth mom. Sometimes I feel so alone. So lonely. There comes a time when I feel that there is no one in this world who is understanding me right now. I miss you terribly at such times. You know, expressing the deepest fears and the slightest inhibitions was easy in front of you. Even if you knew I am being mad, I could be mad in front of you. I could just be. You know, I miss it! A lot! 

Times when I am standing at crossroads in life, and the decision would probably be life altering - I miss you. How do I decide before asking you? Telling you? Informing you? Sibling and I have been fighting off late over some decisions I might take or might not. But then, I cry in front of her telling that you do not understand me. Silently, I am weeping for the loss of your company. We hit it off pretty well. She has always been around me, so motherly. I wonder how much she would be missing you. I can go to her with the most terrible of my faces and apprehensions and she will shelter me. Do I make her feel the same? I do not know mom. I just hope that she is not grieving that deep. I hope she has come to terms with your absence. Hope we all have. 

Times when I am cooking and suddenly forget how some things are to be stirred up - I miss you. How easily I could have just turned to you or called you and asked you a silly cooking doubt. How I would never ever know some secret recipes of yours. Oh, how I cherish the book that I have found with the recipes you have written down. Hats off to Dad for liking my food and even praising it. But you know, the best thing about him is 'what you see is what you get'. He will bluntly complain about a thing not done well and equally appreciate the well done things. I would never fear that he is just appreciating for the heck of it. How smart you were in the kitchen mom, I wish I am least a quarter of what you were. 

I do not know what brought about this tide of thoughts today. But it was just another day. I was leaving for work, getting ready, looking at myself in the mirror, and then I realize, I will never ever see your reflection standing behind me. Telling me, oh too much of this, too much of that. Or cringing while I apply that deo or perfume. Or appreciating the clothes or accessories. I will never ever hear your voice again. I will not see you walking around the house or on the road from far away, and silently praying that "God, please take care of her." I will not see you again, mom. You know how hard that is?


Nagalakshmi V said...

:( :(


Pooh said...

*Hugs* & *Kisses* ... all the way