Friday, February 27, 2009

My state of mind has changed these days. The tear that flowed rarely, the tear that flowed while being lost, tear that flowed without a good damn has or just finds all the reasons in the world to flow! At times I wish to control, at times I love the privacy that home provides me, my pillow provides me. I remember the first few days of living with roommates two years ago and realizing that 'restroom' would provide me the best privacy to cry..I hated it then, luckily occasions were few. Now I do not know and do not wish to ponder, has the sad occasions increased or my heart yearns for more. My heart has become a sucker for things, materialistic at times and at times professional. Reaching at this stage in life where I have started questioning my abilities, my career, and my growth prospects aint helping me much. The cheerful self is being shadowed and crushed by the achieving maniac. If I wish to have certain things in life, I have to GET them on my own, my way. Either think about it or don't. Cos not getting them makes me feel sick. Why can't I be satisfied and satiated with what I got. My hands are full and my heart is satisfied. Then what is it, that makes me yearn for more? Is it the fame and glamour attached? Is it the money? Or is it that human heart would always aim for climbing much more inspite of reaching the peaks and pinnacles? I haven't even reached halfway on my dreamt ladder of success. Retrospecting makes me feel that I haven't got anything that I had dreamt for. The more I dream, more the plans I make , more they have fallen crumbling down right in front of my eyes. Am I being greedy ? Am I asking for lot many things to be achieved ? Should I be humble and modest, and think that I still have a long way to go. Is this what they might call the 'Quarter Life Crisis'?

Surrounding happiness and success is making my yardstick go longer. I was and hopefully am not that small to change my benchmarks as per the situation. What is wrong with me? Why is a person's or people's success deviating me from my frame of mind? Why? Why am I being like the one I hate? A decade later, would I be a different person altogether? I feel helpless to be not able to do the same as people do and to not control the feelings and emotions surging within self. I hate this feeling. I wish to control my life, my way. It can't go outta my hands. I have to take power. Take control. Be the same good driver that I have been.

Amidst all this, I wonder why do I not even think about God once? The daily prayers and the nightly remembrance, things that came naturally to me - are gone like, they never existed. Am I never going to forgive him? Am I never going to pray? Times of despair and times of defeat, those chants that have helped me regain and maintain faith. Where has all that gone? At times it seems to me as if the protective cover, a sheet that helped all of us during bad times has disappeared. Vulnerability has taken a new role in our lives. I do not want to think it this way and yet I am.

I want to, I wish to , and I hope I do .... see some change. Soon !

1 comment:

Rambler said...

reminds me of a quote

*Accept what life offers you and try to drink every cup. All wines should be tasted some should only be sipped, but with others, drink the whole bottle