Friday, December 30, 2011

Happy Birthday, Mom!!

It is the fourth year that I will be wishing you in the virtual space.
Dad probably doesn't even remember the day, or he pretends to have forgotten. We shall be celebrating in the evening. Sister might talk about it when we talk - the almost daily ritual of ISD calls!
It is so endearing to see how she has evolved from the role of being an elder sister to a half mom cum sister cum friend. What would I do without her?
Dad and I have got pretty close; not as close as you would have wished it to be , but believe me it is much more than anyone else could have ever imagined. I like the way he shows he cares, the sweet subtle way, which is so well hidden that you can hardly realize it :)
Many things have changed in the normal day-to-day lives of each one of us. The only constant companion never fails.
There are times when I get scared that I might forget how it was to have you around. There are times when I cannot shed a tear when I think about you. And there are times whenever I shed a tear I think about you not being around, and shed a few more. It is funny, this whole life death ritual! You know the whole incident has left such a dent in my brain and heart that I will have to lose all the near and dear ones, some day. I do not know whether that realisation has made me strong or weak. But, till date, I cannot fathom, at times, why you are not around.
'All good things happen for a reason' - the belief that has gone for a kick in my life, has off late started making its appearance here and there. Several pieces of the jigsaw puzzle may fit, someday, but you not being around will never ever fit, and that puzzle of my life shall always remain incomplete.
Whenever I hear people/sadhus/gurus/ and the likes talking about how death comes only when one is prepared or only when one has so much love for god and the likes that cutting the thread tying them to the societal pleasures is possible. I wonder why you easily cut the thread bonding the us. You were the strong fibre that quilted the whole fabric of our family. But somehow, even after 3 years, the fabric has remained intact. Somehow that makes me feel, the fibre  - the bond, you created is still there. The love persists. The blood remains as thick as ever. The hope, the faith, it is all there. Me and sister many a times wonder, how after things going pretty wrong in our lives, still have these two factors intact!
I can never not stop crying when I see or hear a good deed done by anyone's mom. I always feel poor in front of everyone who has a mom. I know I am being stupid and crazy, but I need some more time to get over the whole episode.
You know, sometimes I feel will you saying a "bye" to me would have made things different?
I really think I will not be able to gauge an answer for that, like ever.
All I know is, we have been to places, time has been passing us all by, seasons are changing, we all are ageing. Amidst all this so-normal things happening in life, today is just another day.
And this being your birthday, I wish you are having fun, wherever you are.
It may seem that it is taking time for me to get over you, but believe me, I have stopped the silliness wherein on this day I used to text random people happy birthday in the hope that somewhere you might be reading or listening. Foolish me now realizes that you are always listening to me or feeling me when I am trying to reach out to you. Probably not hugging me in flesh or giving me your lap for comfort, but even the thin air around me holds your warmth. I know that, no matter how little it may be, now.
There are times when I feel good and a little proud to have come out of the whole thing, and standing here today, dry eyed! I have a long way to go Mom, and probably I will always feel your void, but in the best strong possible way I can, I will do it!
I, on behalf, of all the earthlings who were associated with you and loved you, wish you a very happy birthday, Mom!!
Have a fun-filled rocking birthday :)