Life - Quo vadis?

When the sky is overcast and the mood somber.

Life is running past me. Rather, life is escaping. I might sit back and ponder my location on life's GPS. But time? Where is it?

There are several things that have changed over the past few months. Most of them are likable, some not so. There is a part of me that wishes to sit back and enjoy the unpredictable rain, and then there is other that just wishes to curse the downpour.

It is a mood of confusion. Stemming from the changes, from the good things and some bad. Bad may be a superlative; but what do you call something that thing that sits at the tip of your tongue each day waiting to be screamed, that sits on your shoulder whispering in your ears, and then that greets you with a devilish smile each time you stare....yeah, the bad thing. The confusing thing.

This state of mind -  is not a part of the routine. It, however, may, enter and be a part of the routine. Do you want it to be a  part of your routine? Does it matter what I want?

Oh, monsoon. What do you do to my mood!

Ask and you shall get...

It's funny the way life works. Or the way I think it does.
I have sort of believed that there comes your time, like a very moment, when the universe asks you, silently indeed, what you want - and then hears your request, and grants you your wish.
So considering this, my wisdom tells me to always have my deepest desire ready at the tip of my tongue. Like I do not know when will my turn come right? The odds of me saying the right thing at the right time are very very minuscule, but still I try my luck. Like I do not do this all the time, consistently, but whenever the idea hits upon me, oh it could be my turn, I start saying what I want real badly right now.
This idea somehow conjured when I saw it in a movie or something. When god asks someone what he wants, and the poor guy, in the rush of catching a train just prays that he doesn't miss his train. Of course, he was unaware that god is asking, and he is totally unaware that god would have fulfilled his demand of even being an millionaire at that very moment.
A very creative chain of thought I say, but yes, it works that way. Somewhere I believe that. You know that very one idea that you work on day and night, and then it sees the light of the day. It is something like that.
So, well, what do I want right now?
I want my sibling to come out of some social troubles, real bad! She has been suffering, not exactly suffering, but it is not too much of happy gay days either. So what do I do? I pray for the person who is in bad health situation, and ask for his happy and quick recovery. All the time. That is one thing I want to change, like real bad.
And then, I am living a story. A true good to be true one. I cannot believe am saying this all. But yes, there are times when I have succumbed to the way things work for me, and known that 'too good' things do not work for me. And yet somehow. So, I am facing this 'too good to be true' things day in and day out. I am thinking about it, all day long. There is a foolish me that says oh it does happen, and the mature me says, when will I get wise? I so want this to be true. And I so yearn for this to be my moment, an epiphany of sorts, wherein I realize that no, life does not run by some strict rules and shows you a sunny day amidst the rainy season. Will this come true? Yes, I do think about it day in and day out. And the eternal hope within me, does want it to be true.
MY confusion is, what I want more badly? Which thought do I keep in my mind at that you know, universe asking me hour. Indeed, being a human I have several other demands and wishes, like for dad' s health, my salary, my this my that, etc. etc., but that very thing that I wanna happen, like now, what should that be?
Even documenting it here, has not helped my thought process much. In the vain to add some clarity to my thoughts, I jot this down, and I remain clueless. Oh wait, what if my moment just passed me by? What it must have heard I wonder... 

Reality check!

I just posted a prayer on the "Dear God" project.
Yes, life has come down to that !!

She spoke to herself after a long time. Amidst the chaos of work and people belonging to her social circles, she did not get much time. However, when she spoke it was just like yesterday. Contrastingly, she had changed a lot. The list that she thought was long, the demands that she knew she will make of, the ideas and beliefs she had had, were all gone. Not from her world, but from the long list of "wanna have."  She might would not have changed as a person, but the inner child within seems to have matured. The fairy tale and the fantasy world seem to have being a mirage.
She tries putting a strong face in front of the world, she tries not to sigh or pity for being different and yet so similar to the other species of the beings on this planet, and yet somewhere she regrets the difference. No matter how thin the line may be, it does exist. She did not ever complain to the almighty to keep her on the other side of the line, but today she might as well try.

She thought it will be almost a fairy tale. She had the faith. Then she realised, may be God is mocking her. How can she be so foolish, he must be wondering. Have not I taught her through my lessons of wisdom, that there is no hope, no faith, no power stronger than what I have, to that of control and change peoples' lives.

She understands. But may be its too late to gather the courage to accept that there is no faith or hope. She will live with or without it.

She still doesn't exactly know.

Dear God,

I am not shallow. I am not perfect, nor do I want perfect. But this, I am not too keen. Forgive me, if its a sin.

Sin with your deed is better than sin with your heart. Period.

Confession...

Dear Lord,

Forgive me for I have sinned or I wanna sin...

I wanna think about myself..I wanna put self over others...I wanna prioritize and re-prioritize things in life...

And I wanna be firm about it!

I am done being self-less and am done being the giver...

I cannot take the life revolving around others...

I cannot cherish the happiness felt by others....

I am not able to dry the moist eye from the tears of others...

It leaves no feelings within me , for me, about me ...

Let me be about me...

Let me just be...


Oh, lord....forgive me for this thought, for I think , its a vice...

Why is God teaching me lessons, i have no desire to learn.....

I have almost come to the conclusion that each one of us lies ... for some or the other reason ! But yeah we all do...

Last week,
MY best friend lied to me....
I caught my sister lying to her friend.....about not having certain program installed in the pc, which i know is....this is the most easiest one to digest !!
My other friend lied to me about a very trivial issue....
And yesterday..... my very new good friend lied to me....

My best friend .....
And i thought that we had the most transparent of all relationships in this world ! She lied to me and she covered it up saying... may be the truth would have hurt me more ! But does not one think even once, that knowledge of truth and lie would almost be lethal for me..... I forgave her, moved on.... i thought i am bigger person... her lies are nothing in front of the 8 wonderful years of friendship that we have had.....

My sister......
She means the world to me. She is the only person in this world i know, who has certain principles in life and she abides by them too. I look upto her and respect her in my own way. There has never been a more pure soul i have seen in my life, nor will there be.... There can be no day when i dont recollect the kind acts that she has done for me and no day when i can hear any crap about her ! Well, her lie wasnt a big god damn lie...but its like, i thought she hardly did.... but yeah even she aint foolproof.....

My friend...
Ok, he consoled me all these months saying , next month we will meet..then next , then next ! It was not that if we wont meet, it would have been the end of the world or anything, nor is he that close a friend of mine .... yet , it seems he was sure that he wouldnt be able to meet for the next 6 months...and this fact, only i was unaware of.... may be he lied ! That was his way to console me mostly,...but yeah , he lied !

Oh , and my new good friend.....
All this while, yeah now it dawns to me, it was me who had been ultra good in this relation of ours ! It was not exactly a one-sided friendship, but yeah not very good intentions from the other side for sure. For example, if i were ill no call tells me take care, but if he were ill... i think i would have least given one call ... apart from being hyper worried ! So anywayz, wisdom comes late ...always for me ! So, this chap lies to me yesterday..... his lie is the weirdest of all.... He lied for not hurting me further by telling me the truth. And luck had its way, due to which i stumbled upon the truth. I have always been frank and clear about my feelings for him, so incase he tells me that he likes someone else, and takes me as a friend, my world wont shatter, its either too strong to get shattered or its already broken down in pieces. But yeah, my world does not ever consist of one or two people for sure. My family means the most to me, and till they are with me, come rain or shine.... no one can shatter my own sweet world. I lose all the trust, respect and the remaining liking that i had for him.....

Question is, how many of these can i forgive and forget ???

I have moved on..... i myself am not a pure soul either. I do lie... many times knowingly, many times unknowingly, but least never that it hurts someone so much !
Why do i learn lessons in life, that i do not wish to learn. Everytime i commit a mistake, i console myself by letting it go as a learnt lesson. How many lessons have i actually learnt till now ? Am i just gonna keep on learning lessons like this ? Am i ever gonna be wise and sensible !!!!! I really dont know ! What is most weird is... people think i am sensible and when they are in trouble, they seek advice from me ! And when it comes to give advice, oh boy.... am i good ?!

My other good friend once told me, if things like this happen in your life, do we start losing faith in all the good things of life ? At such times, the most important thing is to hold on...... We should not let it crush us... we are way bigger than all this!!
May be if we forgive people, they might feel guilty and it will forbid them to do it again ......

GOD !

One word..GOD

"Against all that threatens your happiness, all that robs your sleep, all that eats at your working day and all that pierces your night; against it all is One Word. Against the things you have control over and yet sometimes lose grip on, against the things you have absolutely no control over, against your most limp helplessness and numbness and moments when you say out aloud or within the walls of your closing-in-on-you-mind; against all of this and much more than this, there is One Word. Against the dark weak forces and the big blurs, the cold and the menacing, against the ice of shocks and fierce frequency with which sometimes too many bad things keep happening, against the rush of worries and the flood of negative oncomings; against all these breath-taking difficulties and many, many unspoken more, there is One Word. Against everything unpleasant that happens to you from the beginning of Life till your last day here before you proceed into the perfect place where all is good and familiar and familiarly happy again, against the nasty surprises, the inevitable falls, the not-so-inevitable occurrences, against all the hardships and sometimes the horrors that accompany the beautiful journey of Living, against everything from your own personal sun-up to your own sundown, against the very things that turn your world upside down and make you question this whole thing you know so glibly as Life; against all this and against so much more which punctuates, punctures and sometimes plain wrecks your Life-story is One Word. Against the medical names given to those merciless things that attack your body, against the sheer vulnerability of all those bones and cells within you, against the vulnerability of your blood which just flows and the clockwork workings of all your organs which may have a ghastly intruder all of a sudden, against so much which you just can't possibly look after within your own body and within the bodies of those you so very much love; against all these attacks, is One Word. Against things which happen and change your Life, against accidents, against financial windfalls, against tragedies, against horrors you never thought of, against harm on your home and those that live in your home, against the daily susceptibility of our loved ones who go out each day into the troubled world, against the wickedness of man, of the nameless fury of Nature, against the so much that you love, look after, nurture for years and which is threatened in the snap of an unforgiving second; against all these unspeakable tragedies which affect those we love and live for and work for, against this and more, is One Word. Against the torments of the mind, the bruises of the heart, against everything sad in and around a human being, against our own thinking, against our own acting, against our assumption that we have mastered all there is to master and then the best, the strongest, the mightiest, the wealthiest of all witness the blast from nowhere that renders them wrecked, against everything man and woman think they know until they are taught with a price the lessons they never learnt, against all our pride, all our intelligence, against everything we have known, against it all amassed together and weighed in the world, is One Word. Beyond, over and above, finally, ultimately, in the end, there is One Word that will save, sustain, and do it for you, for me, for us. For this One Word by itself can take on all the ugliness of the world and all the ugliness that afflicts our Life; when nothing works and nothing makes sense and you have one last chance, take a chance on this incredible, awesome, all-encompassing, omnipotent, omnipresent, my all-time miracle, favourite One Word. One Word, Three Alphabets, but everything you will ever need every time you ever need something: GOD."

This is one wonderful piece by Cyrus Merchant......