Lady Luck!

Luck is a funny thing.

Ever eluding!

Or may be you are foolish to believe that you will have lady luck by your side, sometime...

Hasn't life's lessons taught you anything?

Stupid. Stupid me.

Can I grab her by the throat and shackle her with chains? 

But even for that, I need to find her once. Only then can I never let go off her...

Life's battles don't always go, to the stronger or faster man...

But sooner or later the man who wins, is the one who thinks , I CAN!

Ages ago this came scribbled on the last page of an annual report of a big Indian company. It still resides in my book shelf. Almost a decade and more, and I still do not know whether this really holds true?

If coulds, would haves and the what ifs

Life is full of those.

There are so many things that do not get as planned. You are stuck counting what went wrong and then trying to come up with a recovery plan...

But after retrospect and later while, you cannot help but ignore the what ifs...the could haves and the would haves! What if, now that dream did come true...I would have been living in a fairy tale set amid snow-clad mountains? Oh, what if the world wasn't so mean, we all would have been blessed with so much happiness?

What if all I ever want to say remains a fumble and an expression here or there? It can lead to a disaster? An emotional catastrophe? But then I would have been an mime expert? Or I would have found someone who would have understood the language...?

Yes, the what ifs and the would haves...thank you, for making our lives so believable and yet not so.

Does this happen?

Imagine this.

You are standing at a bus stop with people who take a bus, may be same, may be different, everyday. This goes on for a couple of years. You get into small talks; share your dreams, destinations, desires. Then, someday they never come at the bus stop. They board the bus and are lost forever. Years later you hear that after boarding the bus that day - the last time you met - their lives got moving in different directions. They started venturing towards their dreams, destinies and desires. Most of them as you see or know seem to be in the path they thought they want to take and are doing things they want to do. Or may be doing things that you would not mind doing either.

After being in touch with different sets of people this way - via the bus stop - some day you stand back and realize...you are still at the bus stop!

Is this what people call growing old? Or is this what people call jealousy?

The feeling does not stem from the fact that you have not achieved things - monetarily or professionally. Many a times the feeling is also about reaching a particular stage on personal levels. You see the smiling pictures, you see the places visited, you see the fun and frolic, the picture that has been painted - and you feel that the grass is greener that side.

You might be wrong. You know, there are higher chances of mountains looking beautiful from a distance. But then, there is a part of you that sighs and wonders - will I ever get into the right bus? Will I ever reach the destination I want to reach? Oh yes, I know the destination --- I know my dreams ---- the problem is not about not knowing. The problem is about knowing too much. Knowing all the details you want.

Too much of being fussy might not help the cause. But then, will it be too late before I understand? And till then, I will continue looking over other people's fusiness and the real side of the stories, and continue waiting for my bus?

Under construction...

When you realize, a tad too late, that your height is shorter than you imagined it to be...all the BMI data and weight scales goes topsy turvy. So, well, what do you do? You hit the gym, go 'under construction' and try to bring the balance on your favorable side, please. And may be thank the stars that you are short only on height scale and not the reach one.

What would this be like?

" I know we could save each other, but the truth is neither of us really wants to be saved"
Loser match, marriage and life??
I am not sure that a secret formula exists for the perfect way for two people to lead lives together, but I believe that when one falls the other needs to stand. When one bruises the other needs to heal. May be they aren't as polarizing in nature, but when situations demand one has to drive the wagon ahead.
This postcard on postsecret reveals a lot about giving up? But am not sure how it might be when both.wants to give up! Bottom of the abyss for a relationship...that's what that must be...

Fragments of imagination...

The present has engulfed her so bad, or was it the past that kept haunting her? She does not know what it was. The fact that she is trying to break the shackles of those rusted grey cells that dream of future, tells that her present is trying to move ahead? She is planning on planning for the future. Plans that mean more than filling the daily planner. But her pen does not frame a word. Her thoughts become hazy and digress.
She wants to dream. The way a common man dreams. Why is it so difficult? Has she succumbed to the fact that destiny will take over and lead her the way he wants to? Or is she being just too scared to speak out her feelings. Her fear of having things not the way she wants them. Her fear of not finding what she is looking for. Her fear of losing even before the battle began. Her fear of not even knowing what was she looking for...

Long while ago, I had posted a tweet that said "I achieve a self-appraised nirvana when I meet some bad people."
Today, I believe no harm can come to me.
Because,
I aint no tainted soul.
I aint no selfish.
I aint no weak character.
I aint no dominating bad ass.

Everything will be all right. Since I am good. And I sincerely believe so. Both the parts. 

Is it a tunnel that I am passing through?
Cos it is wide, dark, and messy too
Or have I reached the bottom of the abyss?
Or is it too soon to reach there or anywhere?
When is soon, too soon?
How will time tell me when is it right?
How will I get the signs?
Will I ever perceive them?
Or they will just pass me by...?
And I will continue wandering through?

Prashn yeh hain...

Not many, but  you know those some particular questions that keep haunting back and forth. Yes, I do have such a list. Now, it is not that I am here to find all the answers of life, but amid this sojourn journey I am proud that I have indeed found answers to a few.
The unanswered ones are many...a few of them include...

-Why, oh why, can she eat cheese/cakes/fries and some rasmalai, and yet not put an inch of fat over her waist, thigh, or wherever?


- Did the monk really, like reallllyy...sell his Ferrari??


-Is the money in Swiss banks in a locker like as in a Godrej locker?


-Are people really as happy as their Facebook pages claim to be?


-Why are our politicians not suffering from fatal diseases similar to the 45% populace of our country?


- When will Sachin Tendulkar retire?

While roaming through the e-library and going through the virtual stack of countless books, I realized one of them could be me. Mine. A book that transcends and narrates the chapters of my life,  year by year, page by page. Gripped by the thought I was so curious to know how the end might be like? Will it be happy? Will it be sad? Will it let the readers or fellow people use their imagination to conjure an end? Will it have an end, if at all? Or is 'the ending' always something that we make out of it? A frown that can be read as a smile when turned upside down. Or vice versa. 

When the goin' gets tough...?

I have a thought. A thought that is whizzing around spherically, laterally, perpendicularly around my head since the past few weeks. There may have been a series of events that would have given birth to that very thought, the impression that this thought leaves behind is not very hooray-istic.
Remember when you read the last time how this and that event changed the whole being of that somebody, how this event made you sit back and ponder on things, you got certain things straight, you got all the wrong doings out, how you straightened the creases in your life on realizing that it is always crumbled around, and the likes. When was the last time you would have heard it? Yesterday, or higher chances are today.
I somehow have realised or have been thinking that this does not apply to me. I do not ever pull my socks, get focussed to do that certain thing, set a target for things-to-do, I am not a go-getter.
All these years and while I have been fooling myself (or may be right now, my thoughts are fooling me), that I am a go-getter. I get and achieve things that I wish or demand to have.
Materialistically yes, I do that. Financially, yes, I do that.
But I do not recollect that one moment that would have sent the whole principle book in my life, home.
That one moment wherein I would have cribbed in front of the mirror and set myself a target, and later on went ahead and achieved that.
I would have started a few diets, never reached till the end of it.
I let things go. I may be short tempered, but there is a certain laid back attitude to me.
Most of my managers have told me that I quit easily. Or rather, if I see a path that may look difficult or has not been untreaded, I let it be. I might be bloody good in walking and running on paths laid down for me, paths that assure me success, paths that seems bright and hopeful to me, but otherwise I let the other paths be.
Why do I do that? Why do I feel this?
I do like to the end of the day for projects I have started with enthusiasm, I have been known to have 1000 ideas of nothing, I do do think out of the box, but then this feeling of not working towards a particular something makes me feel a bit shallow within.
Like there is a way, there is a will somewhere, but somehow they do not work in sync.
Whenever I read about this nobody who became somebody in life, and how THAT ONE MOMENT made him/her realize what she wants to do, what he/she wishes to have, what he/she is looking forward to, I just feel empty.
I want that ONE MOMENT.
No rather, I would wish to act on that ONE moment.

Laid back, cool, lazy? What is it that is forbidding me?

Goal!

A friend recently said the goal was "Car" at 25...fulfilled a year later.
Another one said, "Marry at 27" fulfilled 6 months later.
Yet another not-so-friend said, "See 10 states/2+ countries" till 25....fulfilled, much more than the aim.


I sit and ponder, what was mine?
Good education, good degree, good job, tons of money, car?
Where was the goal? What was the line? Or the thin line between goal and achievements has been so blur that I never saw it?
Heck!
Ok, so I have written down a few things I should have achieved by 30 (now, I can't do for 25 :( )
And let's hope that that goal setting (howmuch ever materialistic or monetary it seems) helps me in ways more than one.

What silver spoon?

Whenever I think of the poor days that I have had, I feel...??

Poor days?

Not entering Sephora cos I knew that I would not be able to buy those products while being a student.


When taking a cab was never an option, no matter the miles that I had to walk in the snow!

Yes, I have been through some of these days. And they make me realize how happy and rich (if I may say) I am now. Compared to those days, yes I am rich.

But then, each of us, have had their share of poor days.

I remember travelling in buses as a kid was such a regular affair for us. And in some tenth standard I specifically remember meeting a guy who said he has not yet travelled in buses. That time it hit me, oh may be he is rich. Material wise I never compared the number of toys I had and how much my neighbour did, but later when it dawned on me, I realized oh may be she can afford all that and much more. My first hand held game was a simple tennis one shaped like a robot, what a prized possession it was to me. By the time I got my first one, I remember my friends in the building had got their 2 or 3rd. But that never made me unhappy. We never felt bad or incomplete if we did not have all the things someone else did. I had never travelled in the AC compartment of an outstation train till I was like 14. I used to observe if a person carried the shopping bag of a branded store!
These days actually do not make me cry, they make me feel proud of my humble beginnings. Belonging to a middle class family has its own perks. I really would wanna instill all of these humbleness that I have in the next generation. I do not know how kids today may react if they would not get a toy they want or if their parents are riding a car they do not like (believe me, all kids today recognise brand of cars within a second!), but if I were to teach these kids one thing that would be how to be satisfied and happy all the time.
It is like you can live with a million rupees a day but you can also live and be happy with a 1000. Today, I may be spending w/o noticing my credit card bill, and the likes, but somewhere I know, I can live even without all these expenditures. I travel in buses as easily as I travel in an SX4. So, yes, I do crib that the AC in my room doesn't give me a full blast like the office one, I crib that train travelling is too hot and messy, and I crib that seats in a theatre are not too comfortable and not worth the money I paid, but even with these cribbings there is no string attached, wherein I yell, ye toh hona hi chahiye!! No, boss, nothing chahiye types here!
Yes, one would wanna spoil their kids with all things material and all latest stuff, but along with that tell them, teach them of how you came up in your life, if you are those not born with a silver spoon kinds. And how good it is to be humble and well grouded. 

I love that combination, oh, I love myself :)

Life is so simple for an ugly male!

Before you huff and puff regarding the title, I will like to tell you to read the entire story. And then, agree or disagree, or whatever stand you may wanna take.

Yes, life is so simple for an ugly male. This thought came to me yesterday evening when I saw Pranab Mukherjee attending this press conference. All of a sudden it struck me, how he might be unprepared for it, how he might would have changed to his symbolic white kurtas and pyjamas, (he also had a tricolor scarf hanging around) and come to this conference. Chances are high, that he did not get time to look into the mirror or comb his sparse hair.
No, I am not saying PM is ugly. Definitely not ugly.
But you get what set the thinking process running? Yes, how easy it is to not worry about how you look, or dress, or care! All you need to do is dress up and show up.
Agreed, the male today grooms and cares as much as a lady. The salon that I go to for hair cut is bisexual. And there are more men than women who are looking forward to hair spas and head massages, and cleanups, and facials. Yes, the modern men care how he looks. He shaves off his smelly armpits, he shaves off his thick curly calf hair, he shaves off his chest to show off his packs, howmanyever they may be. He does it all, to be that model for the men "fair and handsome"!
It does matter that today he cares. He uses deo, perfumes, gels, and all things possible to give and get that smart crispy, fresh, look.
You get the point. I cant think of more things the men today might be doing, cos I might just drool at the thought. :D
How different it is for a lady?
Well, for starters the beauty parlour routine is much strict. You do not wanna have your eye brows not threaded incase of an emergency meeting. Or your arms not waxed incase you have to wear some short sleeved blouse. Girls, ladies, women, all have to be on their toes all the while, and groomed to face the situation or occupation. Imagine the terror when one rolls the pant cos it rained, and some gross hair standing out. You definitely do not want that. Men, can may be, do that. But women, I am sorry. It is definitely gross.
So, the urban women does all this. Attends office, college, chores. She is always up for the occasion. Not to mention, at her very best.
She comes in at 9 am, neatly made hair, no dripping sweat, threaded brows, bleached facial hair, waxed arms and legs, toned face, moisturized lips. Now whether or not she is beautiful or ugly does not matter much. She gotta do all this. I do not know many women who wouldn't care. All of us belonging to this species, ugly or beautiful, care how they look. We see the mirror whenever we pass one. We stand and stare the figure in front of us. We are choosy for what we wear. Aware of what we accessorize it with. We know the shoes that will fit us, we know the latest style. And incase we had to go for a press conference at the last minute, omigosh, we would be making some very rapid trip to the parlour or the restroom to dab the compact and lip gloss. Without that, am sorry, I cannot face the camera. Let's say the female politicians that are coming to my mind may not be too religious of doing what all I have mentioned, but how many of us have seen Sushama Swaraj or Sonia Gandhi with a strand of hair outta place??
Now, why do I say it is easy for an ugly men. Or may be for men who doesn't care. Very few females doesn't care. May be we are made to care about our looks. Beauty is a term restricted just to us.
The cover photo of this weekly magazine had the pic of this head honcho of an IT company. I would not name him or the magazine, but believe me, the picture was eeww...I could count the number of blackheads on his nose! I could see the bad job of shaving that was done. And his uncombed hair. Okay, so he does not to the parlour or salon to get himself groomed, but come on, you cannot have such a pic on the cover page. A lady head would have never approved the publication of such a pic. But then, this man, my dear man, doesn't care.
Fair enough. This another head honcho of an IT company is definitely the below-average looking man. I do not even remember him changing the frame of his spectacles in all these years. Humble, yes. Simple, yes. He doesn't care. And its so easy to be him. Get up, wear your tie and suit. And there you are. Ready to go and face the world.
Ever wondered in a pub, how all girls are so neatly dressed and accesorized. And all some males have to do is put on a tee and jeans. So easy, I tell you. We spend hours thinking what to wear, what not to wear. And there they are, putting on a cartoon oversized tee, and some torn jeans!! So easy!!
Ugly males, or males who do not care how they look, are one lucky herd. I will specifically mention males, since I do not know many females who wouldn't care. Its tough to be out there, and not care or wonder about my hues and shoes.
I wish I were a male. I would buy the best of the shirts and trousers. And that's all that is to there. May be I wouldn't shave off my body hair, and probably I will go the parlour for a facial once in two months.
I will use deo and perfume everyday.
For all I care, this would suffice !!

This must be the umpteenth number of time that I am feeling this.
A look at the picture perfects from their "just engaged" albums, lets out a sigh in me.

The girl is definitely better than the boy. She deserves someone better!!

A brand new day!

Remember the song by Bryan Adams...A new day has come!
An elephant is walkin on the streets by the end of it. How many of you could actually guess all the clues and guess that the animal would be elephant??

I could. I remember that the last clue added to "denmark" and you had to think of some animal from the second letter of the name of the country.

At times, how you play and win each clue and puzzle that life throws at you, and come back winning. The grin on your face is so evident.

Life does that to you. Throws lemon at you. You know the cliche, you make vodka or lime juice or the similar. But no one ever says, squeeze the lemon and enjoy the sourness, raw, crude, as it is. No one wishes things to be sour, sab ko meetha chahiye!
And let me tell you, not only post dinner as Dairymilk is making you believe, everytime they want meetha. Sasta. Tikaav. Sundar. And you are happy when you get that! (Let me not get into describing the never-satisfying cribbers!)

Basic essentials hain yar!
Nothing but the best. No sour. No mehanga. No asundar.
Bus, gimme what I want, all I have is a list of few essentials. Can I not get things abiding that tiny little list?

Little. TinY ! Let's consider that relative ;)

At times...

Speaking out loud helps...

It makes you realize what kind of thoughts are running through your mind, and what you may actually really think~~

Today, I spoke out loud. And that too without being drunk.

It was just a series of thoughts that must have triggered this emotion, or rather stupid talks or rather charade...but I realized may be, I am not that good a person I am thinking that I am!

You know the feeling??

So, I had been bothered about my equation with my friend off late. And I just couldn't fathom the reason why?

Why could I just accept the fact that things , lives, have changed and it is the time to make our relationship a back seat...and run the car in 1st gear!!

But hell no? I just could not fathom it!

When I spoke it out aloud today with A, I realized I might actually be jealous of my friend.

Jealous, I say. Of what, you may ask?

Jealousy is defined as the killing feeling that grips your heart when you see something good or something that your heart yearns and the other gets.

So what does this friend in question have that I do not. And that would make me so jealous??

I reason and question with A, and finally realize, as a matter of fact rather, that may be it is just me. You know, just me who's thinking that "this is happy" "this is sad" "this is more" "this is less"

So when I see and believe that I am having "less" and she is having "more", I rather astonishinigly become jealous of FRiend!!

And how I reflect it, is from the tons of fights that I have with her. From the rude expectations that I have, ok not that rude, but wrong to a point.

But then, when I see her adapting to all the roles that she has played so gracefully in life, I realize I do not do that. I crib. I cry. If I have to act like a mouldable clay, I may, I rather will, but not without showing some support, some restrain. I am like that.
She adapted, she adapts. She sees how to make the best of the situation in front of her, and makes hay outta it.

Is this adapatibility that I am jealous of? or is the factors surrounding her that I am jeaolous of??

Am I really actually jealous?

I still remember the smile and joy I get when I used to see her cherish and achieve things that she had always dreamt of. The high marks that she secured, the amazing talents that she has ...and the way she displayed them all. They made me feel proud that she is my friend. The smile that I used to get when I used to see fight for the minutest of the mark, and get it. If there was a triumph involved, I used to be happy with her. For her. And always have been. I do not ever remember being fake.

Then why today these thoughts?

Has life come to such a crossroad where I cannot see anything other than others, and their lives?? Have I grown that timid and tiny that I need a limitless tall ladder to overlook the crowd and see my world?

Or has the world broken into so many pieces or rather just misplaced some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, that I am completely lost looking for it?

Well, answers I do not have. Not for the moment.

All I can say, is , If I am actually thinking what I have been thinking, that makes me a bad person at heart.

And I would rather not be one!

If I narrate a story...

will you pay to hear it??

If I write a book...
will you offer to read it??

If I wrote a testimonial...
would you care to review it??

If I wrote a love letter....
would you care to smell it??

If my blogs were put on podcasts...
would you manage to subscribe for it??

If I uploaded a video on youtube...
would you wait to stream it??

If I have written my will...
would you think you will exist in it??

If I have written my epitaph...
would you cross miles and get flowers to read it??

Is this it?!

Today I kind of realized my problem.

While leaving for work, this accident happened in front of me. Not exactly an accident, but this is what happened. There comes this lady who wanted to get into this particular bus. Now there is a bunch of people waiting for the same bus, and ladies gang wait near the front door for entrance. Inspite of that being the first stop, people hoard the bus as if there's no tomorrow. (I think that comes as a Mumbai attitude, may be!) So what happens is, this dear lady isn't even trying to rush or push, is just standing for the bus to come and stop at its position. Sadly, the dashing driver applies brake a bit late and that results in the entire gang that was trying to get in to actually swing along with the bus in a group-like manner. This results in a push to the dear lady waiting for the bus and she loses her balance and falls. Not a major fall or anything like that, the next minute she gets up and happily climbs in, but what I realized at that instant is this...

The first thought that came to my mind after seeing this whole episode was...
It isn't fair for her to fall!!
She did not deserve to fall.
Its others that wanted to get in that rush...they should have fallen, if at all...not her!

Along with this little incident comes in a huge wave of realization. I have always looked upon things, weighed things, so as to how fair / unfair it is. How much did I deserve it, and how much I did not!
I have always fretted over things because, according to me, I deserved them.
According to me, I do not deserve to be in this position at this time. It is so not fair. According to me, I do deserve this share of happiness. Unhappiness is not what I deserve.

With this thought, I realized the core problem of my problem.
My attitude of judging what's fair and what's unfair.
What I deserve and what I do not.

If I would let things be, or just follow what the holy book of hindus say, leave expectations outta your deeds. Leave the strings attaching me to the whole fairness of this world. Leave the whole concept of expectations.

Desire, my friend, is the root cause to sorrow. Now my desires are my expectations. My expectations are there since that is what I have known all my life. I have wanted/wished for things. I have strived to get them. I feel it is very fair to expect them to fall into place and I get what I had strived for. I deserve them. Isn't it human to expect a building to stand tall if you have spent years building the whole thing together?!

I am coming back to a whole circle. I know.
I really wish to accept fate. I am happy with what I have. Then why am I unhappy?
My life may not be full of people, but a few bunch should be enough.
I do get hurt (its fair to feel so) when some loved/close ones ditch me or things do not happen in lives as planned, but I have moved on, or at least I am trying to. Meanwhile, if I feel angry/hurt/bruised ... people should bear with me ! (There, i am expecting again!)

I expect life to be fair to me.
I expect life to not be unfair to anybody for that matter.
Is it a perception problem that I have?
Or merely an attitude one, wherein nothing is what I deserve and everything is unfair!!

I wish I knew. But least, I kind of know, this could be the problem of some of the blue days that I face. Isn't it?

Oh btw that lady is doing good. I saw her while returning from work too :)