Lady Luck!

Luck is a funny thing.

Ever eluding!

Or may be you are foolish to believe that you will have lady luck by your side, sometime...

Hasn't life's lessons taught you anything?

Stupid. Stupid me.

Can I grab her by the throat and shackle her with chains? 

But even for that, I need to find her once. Only then can I never let go off her...

Ask and you shall get...

It's funny the way life works. Or the way I think it does.
I have sort of believed that there comes your time, like a very moment, when the universe asks you, silently indeed, what you want - and then hears your request, and grants you your wish.
So considering this, my wisdom tells me to always have my deepest desire ready at the tip of my tongue. Like I do not know when will my turn come right? The odds of me saying the right thing at the right time are very very minuscule, but still I try my luck. Like I do not do this all the time, consistently, but whenever the idea hits upon me, oh it could be my turn, I start saying what I want real badly right now.
This idea somehow conjured when I saw it in a movie or something. When god asks someone what he wants, and the poor guy, in the rush of catching a train just prays that he doesn't miss his train. Of course, he was unaware that god is asking, and he is totally unaware that god would have fulfilled his demand of even being an millionaire at that very moment.
A very creative chain of thought I say, but yes, it works that way. Somewhere I believe that. You know that very one idea that you work on day and night, and then it sees the light of the day. It is something like that.
So, well, what do I want right now?
I want my sibling to come out of some social troubles, real bad! She has been suffering, not exactly suffering, but it is not too much of happy gay days either. So what do I do? I pray for the person who is in bad health situation, and ask for his happy and quick recovery. All the time. That is one thing I want to change, like real bad.
And then, I am living a story. A true good to be true one. I cannot believe am saying this all. But yes, there are times when I have succumbed to the way things work for me, and known that 'too good' things do not work for me. And yet somehow. So, I am facing this 'too good to be true' things day in and day out. I am thinking about it, all day long. There is a foolish me that says oh it does happen, and the mature me says, when will I get wise? I so want this to be true. And I so yearn for this to be my moment, an epiphany of sorts, wherein I realize that no, life does not run by some strict rules and shows you a sunny day amidst the rainy season. Will this come true? Yes, I do think about it day in and day out. And the eternal hope within me, does want it to be true.
MY confusion is, what I want more badly? Which thought do I keep in my mind at that you know, universe asking me hour. Indeed, being a human I have several other demands and wishes, like for dad' s health, my salary, my this my that, etc. etc., but that very thing that I wanna happen, like now, what should that be?
Even documenting it here, has not helped my thought process much. In the vain to add some clarity to my thoughts, I jot this down, and I remain clueless. Oh wait, what if my moment just passed me by? What it must have heard I wonder... 

I believe...

...Yes, I will be happy again. Because sometimes I think, I am enough for myself. I will never let myself get bored. The spark, vibrancy, the me, should not change even if I were to live alone, lead alone. Alone, not alone in true sense, but alone if one plus one were not to add to two. 

Dear She,
What is that you are scared of?
How the world would react? How the world would understand? How the 'next door neighbour' might sigh?
Honey, in this sojourn journey of yours have you not learnt of how not to care? And wait a minute aren't you the she that never cared?! Then why today, why tonight?
The fears, the apprehensions, the mounting pile of worries are all valid and reasonable to a certain extent, but there needs to come a kick, a push, that will make you see things straight or even a bit better aligned than what they seem right now to you!
It may not be the best, it may not bring the world down to your feet, it may even not stop time, but it will help you move time away, pass life while you were probably still thinking about the odds!
Take the plunge!
Do not be scared! Afraid, and over contemplative!
Decisions have to turn right or wrong. You will not know the direction they took unless you take them. And with the faith and hope that you have ... probably you will see the better end of the spectrum.
Life will throw several curve balls, googlies, and lemons...you gotta make the most of it. And believe that you will have the right company to play those balls and pass those times.
Everything will be passed. Everything will seem alright. But you gotta give it a chance. And at times, those chances are those 'once-in-a-lifetime' ones!

She spoke to herself after a long time. Amidst the chaos of work and people belonging to her social circles, she did not get much time. However, when she spoke it was just like yesterday. Contrastingly, she had changed a lot. The list that she thought was long, the demands that she knew she will make of, the ideas and beliefs she had had, were all gone. Not from her world, but from the long list of "wanna have."  She might would not have changed as a person, but the inner child within seems to have matured. The fairy tale and the fantasy world seem to have being a mirage.
She tries putting a strong face in front of the world, she tries not to sigh or pity for being different and yet so similar to the other species of the beings on this planet, and yet somewhere she regrets the difference. No matter how thin the line may be, it does exist. She did not ever complain to the almighty to keep her on the other side of the line, but today she might as well try.

It doesn't even take less than 10 seconds for me to fume and get red over some petty issue, so much so that it spoils the more than 24-hour good mood of mine!

KapuTTT!!! Off goes the valve!

And you know the funniest thing, these petty issues are more often than not out of jealousy...out of sheer "not me :(", out of wanting more, out of "sigh! It was me!"

Yes, these are real real worse things to think of, and it doesn't take me long to put out a list of such in any body that I know.

So, when I realize my friend is in here, instead of there, I am J and red.
So, when A tells me B is going to XYZ, and B really wanted to go to XYZ, I feel J.
So, when she tells me she is making another you know...tour...I am all J.
So, when ABC buys DEF ... I am so so J.
So, yes life is good and easy. Things falls in place. Yes, they have had their share of things and troubles...but no, I am not here to see that.

Yes, I was there. Yes, I did that.
Yes, I am having and doing things on my list, then why the J!!

Why!?
IT ruins me to no end! It burns me cell by cell. Percolates within and gets me mad.
God, stop making me J. Stop making me feel, I didn't or don't.

You know, there is much to didn't or couldn't.
Have and Had are too heavy to outweigh. Sighs do not add, they always should be subtracted.

GET OVER IT WOMAN!!
You aint too shallow, or its not too late.

You know it's funny. I never thought, even after the endless fights I have had with my best friend, that there would come a day when we both might not actually talk. I still would not say we are in that phase, but somehow I just realize, I probably stare at my phone once daily that she calls and tells whatever I wanna hear.

Or may be, we atleast continue the fight.

But you know, A told me, I should give her space and time. And probably not "interfere" much into her life now...hmm..

So its been a long time that we talked. I do not wish to lie by saying I do not think about her..but then, I guess, since I haven't yet picked up the phone, I have finally moved on, or learnt to get over this or her. She is burdened with responsibilities as it is, so may be I should take a step back.

And yes, I am happy about it.

She is lying to me. No, she is hiding it from me. Why in the right mind would she ever ever do that? I just cannot fathom it!!

With Mom gone, it just gets tougher to see people drift away or apart.

A bell rings within saying, what all and how much ever you are thinking is all crap.

I sincerely wish that were true!

I cannot kill my apprehensions, fears, and doubts. Not till I know the reality.

This thing, this time, I just wish I hadn't known. The fact. Its just gets too weird. :(

Miss you Mom, reckon she would have told you!!!! I feel terribly wretchedly lonely at times like these. It seems like, I am losing out on all the anchors of life :(

At times...

Speaking out loud helps...

It makes you realize what kind of thoughts are running through your mind, and what you may actually really think~~

Today, I spoke out loud. And that too without being drunk.

It was just a series of thoughts that must have triggered this emotion, or rather stupid talks or rather charade...but I realized may be, I am not that good a person I am thinking that I am!

You know the feeling??

So, I had been bothered about my equation with my friend off late. And I just couldn't fathom the reason why?

Why could I just accept the fact that things , lives, have changed and it is the time to make our relationship a back seat...and run the car in 1st gear!!

But hell no? I just could not fathom it!

When I spoke it out aloud today with A, I realized I might actually be jealous of my friend.

Jealous, I say. Of what, you may ask?

Jealousy is defined as the killing feeling that grips your heart when you see something good or something that your heart yearns and the other gets.

So what does this friend in question have that I do not. And that would make me so jealous??

I reason and question with A, and finally realize, as a matter of fact rather, that may be it is just me. You know, just me who's thinking that "this is happy" "this is sad" "this is more" "this is less"

So when I see and believe that I am having "less" and she is having "more", I rather astonishinigly become jealous of FRiend!!

And how I reflect it, is from the tons of fights that I have with her. From the rude expectations that I have, ok not that rude, but wrong to a point.

But then, when I see her adapting to all the roles that she has played so gracefully in life, I realize I do not do that. I crib. I cry. If I have to act like a mouldable clay, I may, I rather will, but not without showing some support, some restrain. I am like that.
She adapted, she adapts. She sees how to make the best of the situation in front of her, and makes hay outta it.

Is this adapatibility that I am jealous of? or is the factors surrounding her that I am jeaolous of??

Am I really actually jealous?

I still remember the smile and joy I get when I used to see her cherish and achieve things that she had always dreamt of. The high marks that she secured, the amazing talents that she has ...and the way she displayed them all. They made me feel proud that she is my friend. The smile that I used to get when I used to see fight for the minutest of the mark, and get it. If there was a triumph involved, I used to be happy with her. For her. And always have been. I do not ever remember being fake.

Then why today these thoughts?

Has life come to such a crossroad where I cannot see anything other than others, and their lives?? Have I grown that timid and tiny that I need a limitless tall ladder to overlook the crowd and see my world?

Or has the world broken into so many pieces or rather just misplaced some pieces of the jigsaw puzzle, that I am completely lost looking for it?

Well, answers I do not have. Not for the moment.

All I can say, is , If I am actually thinking what I have been thinking, that makes me a bad person at heart.

And I would rather not be one!

I ain't good!
The fact that she is happy and contented. And enjoying this new phase of her life...putts me in a weird situation.
May you always stay this happy says the lip...and heart crunches in fear, that she may not need me now. In despair and sadness.
This shoulder would no longer be required.
The feeling is like of a runner, who has won yet again in a race...and somehow not satisfied with his performance.
The lost-out feeling.
The miserable, lonely wretched feeling.

Pieces...

One by one
Day after day
I realize I am losing myself.

This is not how I want to live.
This is not how I lived.
Fighting with loved ones around me.
Cribbing and complaining for things, that I have and I don't!

What has brought me here?
Why am I writing this?
This journey was going good. I was patient. I was letting things be. I was waiting for my time. My time when things would be the way I want them to be. When people would react/behave the way I expect them to. When I will find warmth when I outstretch my arms. When I will find satisfaction in each and everything that I venture into. When my positive enthusiasm would turn out to be infectious. Is this just a phase? Or this the fight?

Finding no solace in anything and everything around. Regretting the words said, the incisions deep within. Realizing how easy it is not break a decade-old friendship, and how difficult to build up on it. Realizing the fact that may be, just may be, they are the only friends you have. Colleagues can never be friends. Exceptions are there, but that does not apply to you.

A lost battle. A battle fought with no opponent. A battle fought with no aim. Where's the enemy, I ask? Come show me your face. Do not hide from me...come to me in your entirety.
Does the enemy lie within? Am I coming back to my same old fears, after running a full circle?

Is everything so relative? Is everything gonna be so not real?
Are my dreams always gonna be rosy?
Am I gonna lose out on my patience, much before I start the journey?
Am I ever gonna find peace - within?
Why is one person so important to me ? Are friends our world ?
Am I not attached to other things lot many ?

I can live alone, I say. Then the deep voice just doesn't exactly agree. I can be a loner, live a loner.

The problem is I am not one.
But I am trying to be one.

PS: I have no clue what all I have written. I am not even reading this again. Pardon my lousy self, am not just aware of what I am doing right now. I so not wanna write all this, but I can't talk to self for so long.

I need a break!!