The anticipation

Will the flight land on time?

Will I hear some violins?

Or there will be some last minute chaos for the luggage lost…

Should I wear a red shirt? Oh, but what if we turn out color co-ordinated?

Should I go with some flowers?

Or a cursory hug would do?

Should I first take her to the carousel?

Or ask her to make some plans?

Will there be too many awkward pauses?

Or will we triumph with tales over a drink or two?

Will the conversation never end and lead to a spark or two?

Pillow talk...

"So, what exactly did you remember from the first time that we met?"
"Well, let me see. It was probably the fact that you came on time."

You know those moments in life that you wished you had frozen at that point of time, or those that when occurs makes you realize that this is something I am going to remember forever. Or those when you blink or stare at the wonderful scenery ahead of you and wish that you could capture or re-live them as and when you want. Rare fleeting moments. Small kind talks.

There may be many things in life that matters. Some small, some big. But nothing can match the pleasure of the little joys of life.

He looked out of the window and the sky resembled his mood.
Filled with fury, dark with vengeance and yet not able to cry.
His heart hurt over the desires unfulfilled and the promises broken.

The straying gray hair on her jacket and the cigarette smoke on her breath...
The late night hours and the cancelled plans with him...
 He did not have the heart to confront her...it was something that they both knew and yet didn't know.

Walking over his thoughts, she entered the room with a coffee for him and smiled.
Ages ago, this smile and the sugarless coffee had won him over
And today, it did too...

The simple things in life are easy, he decided to be stuck with those.

She stood there on the highway. In the middle of the road. Vehicles zoomed past her. Yet nothing touched or scratched her. She stood there like a zen goddess - with no harm or hurt coming upon her. Then she moved. And hell broke loose! 

Do not tie your emotions to someone's reactions...

When you look like that - I feel am more beautiful.

When you compliment - I feel successful.

When you hug - I feel secure.

When you kiss - I feel wanted.

A vast range of emotions are tied up with the your reactions. Hence, be careful with them. In rage and in sanity.

A friend complains of physical abuse. And I wonder how does one get away with that. Shall she just walk out or tell him how his reactions matter to her, and at times break the very being of her. Being so attached so someone and then let that someone ruin your being - I think loving someone is like a double-edged sword. You get all the happiness from the same person who will hurt you the most too!

Fragments of imagination...

The present has engulfed her so bad, or was it the past that kept haunting her? She does not know what it was. The fact that she is trying to break the shackles of those rusted grey cells that dream of future, tells that her present is trying to move ahead? She is planning on planning for the future. Plans that mean more than filling the daily planner. But her pen does not frame a word. Her thoughts become hazy and digress.
She wants to dream. The way a common man dreams. Why is it so difficult? Has she succumbed to the fact that destiny will take over and lead her the way he wants to? Or is she being just too scared to speak out her feelings. Her fear of having things not the way she wants them. Her fear of not finding what she is looking for. Her fear of losing even before the battle began. Her fear of not even knowing what was she looking for...

Notions

There is a fear within her that reaches a peak each time she is thinking about this; she is not sure whether it is the bare truth that is hurting her. The truth that plainly says this is all she can get. She cries herself to sleep at times, because she fears that this will be just another add on to her already 'average' life! She does not know what "extraordinary" or "larger than life" things she dreams for, but she hates the average. Being Average. Been with Average. And yet she gets the same. Always. Without fail. Is that what she deserves? All her life, till date, she always believed that she is settling for less that what she deserves. She have been moving on in spite of this feeling and fact existing in her life since the past 26 years. Destiny has always played a big role in her life. She has tried to choose or pave path in her journey, but destiny has always, always, taken over and made her realize that he is the boss. He will do it today too. He will make her realize, this is it. 'You cannot, do not, deserve something better.' And then, the usual, with a heavy heart, lots of tears, she will accept it. She will fight with the so-called God. Call him some names. Curse him for doing this to her. And move on. Rise with the new sun and believe that everything is all right. May be, she has got to live with this feeling of getting less than deserving. May be, she does not deserve more. May be, she has notions about herself. May be, she is that stupid average chick who thought fairy tales come true, friends do not betray you, mom does not ever leave you, and loving someone more than self is not difficult. How will she ever understand?   

must-try

Love Actually, is all around.
So is Happiness.

It stares in your face every time you take strides in the normal world with the billions. Or even when you are seated in a 4 X 4 cubicle. All it takes is an Internet connection. Happiness says hi, hello, I am here, I am there, I am living in this one's place. Is it eluding you? You do not know for sure. At times, when the sky is clear and you get those bouts of clear thoughts while your daily sky gazing moments, you realize may be it is not. You just gotta hold on to  happinesss' favorite friend 'patience.' Or may be you gotta learn to live your life via others. People happy = You happy. How simple would life be?
Cos each time you are awake, there are zillion of people happy, smiling, holding hands, hugging, kissing, and jumping, because they are expressing their 'happiness.' Imagine, how happy you will be.
And then, the battle of 'suppressing envy' would not have your participation.

Those silent conversations. And the following awkward glances. Spilling of drinks and food while getting too conscious. And breathing in the fresh scent of Hummer. Knowing that the head might rest, after all, tonight.

How do I pay, oh with what do I pay?

In the world of reality!

Since they were in India, it was difficult, if not impossible, for the metro couple to identify the sex of the child. It was not like it mattered a lot to them about what gender the kid is, but you know, they were just curious. His parents were from Chandigarh and not-so-conservative, so they should probably be okay with any sex. But being the only son, he had his concerns. Her parents were based in New Zealand, and were not the traditional kinds.

So when 'Rhea' came into the world it was amidst a lot of confusion. Confusion regarding her sex, regarding her acceptance, and for the love she might get from elderly.Luckily, apart from cringing just once and counting the number of fingers and toes, and observing her feet, her grand mom did not seem too unhappy with her. Her parents beamed with joy and assured everybody it did not matter to them whether it was a girl or a boy; they wanted the kid to be happy and healthy, and successful. And that they were not gonna have another child in this  expensive world. 

Her birthdays were celebrated with style. On her 2nd birthday, She was gifted an expensive harmonica from her grand dad. A mini musical guitar from her nana-nani and swimming lessons from an extended aunt. Before she could even beam with joy or say "Wow" the harmonica was put in her mouth and it was tested whether she can blow into it and play some tune. The swimming lessons, which they started when she was almost 3, did not last long since she was too scared of water at that tender age. Her parents were patient, they said may be later. When she turned 4, the school she joined and the classes she attended left her no time to even sit in front of the TV for a few minutes or play in the mud. Rhea had already joined and left piano lessons, bharatnatyam classes, and some theatre group. Just within 6 months of joining, the teachers or organisers had told her parents, she just did not seem to have the touch or liking. Rhea was then enrolled for art and craft lesson. Along with her harmonium lessons and karate class, at the age of 7, she still could manage a little of staying at home time. 

Rhea's parents did not think twice before enrolling her into the umpteen number of classes and workshops; they were just trying to find her forte. On insistence of their friends, they did leave Rhea free for one summer vacation. They travelled to Thailand, but she was asked or allowed to take snaps, just incase that's where her talent lied! Unfortunately, none of the pictures were 'good enough' to satiate their search of talent.

"Her 10the birthday is coming next week, you got any plans," her mother asked him once.

"Well,  let's see if we can still enroll her for the Shaimak Davar Dance group, am sure she would it there. They teach all kinds of dance, like even random street dance can be converted in to a good number."

"Don't you think we should try if she wants to sing or something? Dancing may be too exhaustive for her frail body?"

"Yeah, you got a point. If she develops a good voice and music knowledge at this age, better chances of making it big sooner."

"Oh, I can only imagine what she will be doing when she will be 12. Apart from coming in higher secondary, I hope she also gets involved in the school activities. May be we should give her a separate activity room by then so that she can do her practice without any disturbance."

Rhea silently left the room. She overheard the conversation and could not hold back her tears. Her parents were arguing. And yet again, this was about her lack of interest and skills in any activity. Her nani was trying to make them understand that she is just another 14-year-old. But her parents insisted that she does not seem to have a bright and promising future. No glamour, no fame. And she was so average in her studies too. "What will she do when she will grow up? Just work 9-5 or probably marry and stay at home? Why can't she atleast do something else. We are not trying for too much, but something other than what a normal kid does? Look at the kids today, aren't they brilliant in all spheres of life?"

 When she was 12 and lacked the concentration skills or talent to pursue any extracurricular activities, when she failed two of the exams, her parents gave up on her and took her to a psychiatric. After several tests and some uncomfortable questions, the doctor concluded that she is fine, and does not (as they thought) suffer from any brain disorders or development problems. Unfortunately, Rhea is just a normal child who likes to stay at home, play, and probably watch some TV, if she has the time. 

---
This post is dedicated to all those children who's parents are, hopefully not, forcing and coaxing them to participate in reality shows. With the increasing number of kids show featuring 3 and 4 year old's dancing, singing, acting, cooking, and what not, it is scary to imagine how they might be persuaded to develop a talent, and nothing else. A simple kid with no such interest or ability might face regret and failures in life, at too early a stage. I sincerely hope am wrong, and parents are letting the kids just be. I mean how many of us even remember humming a song with all the musical notes at the tender age of 3. Yes, gifted kids exist, but do not pressurize them into taking up an activity and developing a talent. Luckily I haven't seen any of my relatives or my friends doing this to their kids, but then do they regret that their kids are just ..umm..normal? Do parents desire and dream of seeing their kids instead of the ones on TV. Do they force their dreams on the kids? Does glamour attract people so much? Or is it the money? I shudder with the thought when I think of the girl who has acted as a boy in a few movies. Were her parents this adamant of having a boy or was it that the role required her to be featured as a boy? Or when I see some kids who look good with the front tooth broken on TV maintaining the same look for like years! It is not possible logically and I hope that there are no other reasons for such an appearance.
And I wonder whether education will go for a toss amidst all this? 'No degrees will give you the money or fame that the media will.' Will this thought be ingrained in their mind since age 2? Imagine the plight of that kid who is not interested in studying or sports or any such creative activity. Will he be the target of everyday bombarding by his parents? Wisdom tells me that the average Joe makes big in life, and one should not ever think that the mud-eating and no-poem singing guy in school will not do well in life, but will the parents of today's generation accept it?
All hopes and queries are bundled in this post, and if you are reading this, stop expecting too much outta your child and just let them be what he/she is, a kid!

The cursive writings seemed so familiar, how could she not remember who he was? Those three words that she saw daily on the refrigerator slate, how could she forget them? The red colored ink and the slightly slanted slate, were they not memory-evoking enough? Why was it that when he saw her receiving this faint hint of memories, they were always marred by chaos and voices from the ward? Was this how things were supposed to be, or is he too supposed to forget and move on?

Ho hum!

She has a dream. A dream which is not too elusive nor too easy to interpret or get done with.
All the songs on the playlist titled "Bheege din" "Tanha raat" "Romantic numbers" "Goood moood"
bring some meaning in life, finally.
Not exactly, the word to word, verabtim, meaning....but the songs do come to life.
Not real life, but life that she knows, she understands.
These songs will hold true. They will hold meaning much more than she thought they will.
A tune which has been in mind, the words that have been plasted to her lips and mind, she knows how it feels...and then finally, one day, she will know what they mean.

Oh, the feeling!
At least then, she will stop nagging people with questions like "Who was the first person you thought about when you heard that song?" "Do you really think about him/her when you hear this particular song?"
And the likes.

All that she wished for came knocking at her door.
Either she did not hear the knock or she did not know how to open the doors.
The former and not the latter however seems plausible.
Either which ways, whichever which ways, the loss is hers.
Totally.

He shyingly offered her his umbrella. She refused, or rather pretended she did not see the offer. So more silently and coyingly he moved an inch closer to her and covered her under his umbrella. The rain was not falling eloquently, but just enough to wet each one. With each step that she took, he moved step by step in the same direction. Ofcourse, he did not let a drop of water fall on her. Though through a side glance she noticed, the edge of the umbrella was almost over his back so drops of water trickling down the umbrella were finally resting on his shirt and making it wet. She could not refuse the unnamed and unsaid offer, but was grinning somewhere by the gentleman'ish touch.

Today, she returned the favour. She feels proud.

Dekhooo...
nadi ke kinare...

panchi pukare.....kissi panchi kooo....

Yes, I hear that...and it feels awesome...so light so very surreal :)
So very like the video that was shot...

Confrontation

So, she finally asked her, not being able to withstand the numerous questions in her head, she finally worked on solving her own misery.

"Why do you always go out with the wrong and bad men?"

--> "Cos sin tastes best on the lips, than anywhere else!"

No, thank you!

You said you can gimme thousands or lakhs of rupees...and make me stay at home. Or even make me lose a bit of my freedom.

Tell you what, no thank you.

Nothing grabbing away my 9 to 5 corporate life in this life time. I need the work, I need the life, and I need my own money that gives me my independence! I may not tell you but I buy the brand, the label, the tag cos I can afford it. Not cos I got money transferred from somewhere, my dear!

You can take away everything from me, but not my attitude to react to certain things! Aint no putting away those laminated certis in my closet!

Happiness is a decision you make, not an emotion you feel

She was one of the most lively person known to me. She taught me, not exactly with a pen and slate, the importance of being self, the respect and knowledge that can be gained by doing the most mundane of the stuff, and the importance of being with family, loving them, cherishing them. She taught all this by being a mere example. Her cherubic self was contagious. I realized how easy it is to look upto her.

She loved him. Or so she said. She kissed him. Or so she said. But when time came to take a decision, she flipped. She took back the small little steps that she had taken towards him. She flinched cos she knew her family will never approve. Or may be neither will his. Two mature individuals not taking the bait called 'love' cos there are bigger things in life to be concerned about.

The spectator saw it all, and believed it might be a wise decision. However, the spectator knew if places were exchanged, she wouldn't do the same.

Then she fell in love again. To the disgrace of her own self, a similar one. She loved him. Or she believed. This he was more strong and sturdier to take the forbidden path, if need be. He did not care about her family views or decision. She believed, she cannot make the same mistake twice. She ought to stay firm this time. He went thousand of miles apart, with no contact for a few months. She realized, may be, it is not meant to be. The "they" never worked out. She realized how she ought to behave and believe the best is gonna come only through family consensus.

She was born with the idea of believing this.

I never agreed. The spectator argued. She sighed, and said it aloud, one does not think about all this. That is the best remedy. Just go with the flow. And see what destiny holds for you. Be happy under any given circumstances. Well, I argued, with this school of thought, no one will ever be unhappy? Or may be, I was talking alone and not too loud.

She got married to a guy she did not love. This she definitely believed. She was not prepared to be with him, life long. Yet, she gave in. To the demands and expectations of the family and the society. This is when, I realized I can never be her. Nor ever look upto her. She isn't me. I cannot be she. I will not succumb to certain demands. Independency and freedom mean a lot to me. I was taught to respect this since birth.

He is definitely not for she. Yet they live on, move on, settle down, make love and babies. Now, she loves he. She did what she has been doing all these years, loving respecting and enjoying family, responsibilities, and probably life.

She does not mind not getting her freedom. Not getting the independency. Not getting her degrees to use. She does not mind missing all her TV shows, cos he does not like it. She does not miss the shopping sprees or the roadside foods we shared.

She does and did what she has been doing the best. Playing roles, different roles, with ease. She gets in the skin with such an ease, she sticks to duties like a magnet to iron. She sighs, may be. She never thinks, mostly.

She lives on. She loses her youth a tad too early. In today's world, too early. I watch and realize, do I really wish to look upto her?

I will probably never be the daughter, sister, wife, and mom she is...and then I just do not know, whether I wanna be all this like her, or I love the way I am portraying a few of these roles.

Different worlds. Different strokes. Today, if we both were to paint a picture of our lives, the disparity would be too obvious. Would the colors she use be all hueless? Or more bright than ever before?

Shall I pray that her babies do not do things that she did. Do not give up on ideas and ideals, like she did. Do not get influenced by family and society to an extent of losing self identity. Or may be pray, that they be, just like her. Strong and sturdy, and probably disciplined enough to love life, whatever it may be like. Decide to be happy, and not probably go for feeling it!

And then he ignored her.
Just like that.
The months wait had finally turned into a meet. Ok, may be not wait. But months of correspondence. After which, it happened.
Was she dreaming things when her inbox was flooded with mails. Calls coming everyday.
Or was she having a nightmare when they all vanished. Just like that.
The threshold that was never reached. Or was the bar too low?
AT times, she feels like wringing the neck and shake the entire being, asking "what the" "why the" "who the"
But then, she just lets go. Or may be, all she can do is let go. She will like to think its the former.

At times. She doesn't try. For she knows. She will fail. Miserably.