Rising from the ashes...like a Phoenix!

It was a great opinion piece in the Indian Express that made me wonder, at what age really will I write one? And what would I write about?

Standing on the far side of 30s, finishing over a decade in work experience, not really sure about finding the IKIGAI, older and wiser, but really any knowledge worth enough to write an opinion piece? Or the Editorial! The one that makes one awe and revere the writer, and instantly respect the brains and experience behind it? 

Would that be possible now? At this age and stage of life, where a lot of experiences gained, a lot have been forgotten, and there is always a worry about what awaits next? 

When I started this blog, the kid that I was, early 20s, so much hope, so much potential, and today, you sit and wonder where did it all go? Of course, all has not been lost. Life has not been too bad. Life has been good from certain angles. But what expertise I have gained? 

The generalist roles that I have played - or keep playing at work, the multiple hats, that does really stare back at me with the lines, jack of none! Debating this with spouse or friends brought varied form of responses - about how I am a published author now (YES!!) surely I can write about a subject, or if nothing how I can weave my travel experience (17 countries!) to perpetual words.

All said and done, all the layered thoughts aside - I have decided to write again. At least about the random things. That move me. That I do. A vlog of today's gen. Not let go off one thing that I probably enjoy. And later in the future, when life questions me like this again - what I have gained, I will talk about the pleasures of writing, sharing my thoughts, my experiences, may be not as a subject matter expert but as an observer of life passing by. 

Hopefully, I will find myself here again - writing. Very soon. Could be about my (perpetual) fitness journey, travel escapades, mid-life crisis (more than ever), my life experiences as a late-disabled (for those who may have followed me earlier, YES, that happened) or just a random good day. 

Find me here again, will you?

Mom...

- I do not ever think I will be able to wish you on social media. Like people today do. You aint gonna read those posts or messages or statuses - right? I fail to understand what medium might reach you, up there, afterall...

- Today, it is the toughest phase of my life. I wish you were here. But no, I am glad you aint. You would have hated to me standing here. AT this crossroad. At this road of endless curves and turns...yes, may be, I am just glad you are not here.

- I can't stand a mother and daughter hugging each other. And the daughter pulling pranks on the mother. And the mother laughing. That bond. That relationship. I can't stand. But know what, I have decided something. I am not gonna be like that. For how long will I turn my face or hide my tears when I see that bond? Not forever. I can't do it forever. So I am going to stop! 

Soul-mate?

I'm not exactly the best fish in the proverbial ocean. But I *can* promise you this: if you are You - if you are, indeed, my soulmate - if you are the other half of everything I have ever hoped and dreamed and prayed and screamed and ached for, and if I am yours - then there is nothing within my power I would never do for you, and no depth to which I would not love you. 

The anticipation

Will the flight land on time?

Will I hear some violins?

Or there will be some last minute chaos for the luggage lost…

Should I wear a red shirt? Oh, but what if we turn out color co-ordinated?

Should I go with some flowers?

Or a cursory hug would do?

Should I first take her to the carousel?

Or ask her to make some plans?

Will there be too many awkward pauses?

Or will we triumph with tales over a drink or two?

Will the conversation never end and lead to a spark or two?

What is your idea of togetherness?

Is it merely being with someone? Or probably talking a lot - meaningful conversations of course! Or is merely finding solace with yourself? Does company really matter? Can one ever be alone and yet not feel lonely?

Random thoughts such as this hit my mind whenever I go to a secluded place to read my book. Generally, it happens at a time when I have reached at such a stage of the book that I can't wait to find - what next? 

I mean I am so happy at that time - orgasmic level kinds. I do not care what is around me. What engulfs me is a feeling that I cannot probably describe in words. At times when I turn around and see the world around me, I probably realize I am the only who is sitting alone and having a smile on my face...there will be families/couples/friends all around me, and looking glee...do I also need this companionship? I cannot live with a book, right? But what if the book is providing me the words and the worlds that I yearn to hear and see? Do I still need anything else?

This of course becomes a question of retrospection. We can't be with books all the time, I am somehow able to squeeze time to read books in my fast life - that's an accomplishment. I will not be (hopefully not) able to have time to read books all the time. What then? Where will I find companionship...where will I look to see a different world? Where will I find the different sunrise and the promised sunset?

And then comes people. Do they belong to the idea of togetherness? I doubt if anything can replace a hearty and healthy laugh that I have over a stupid joke! This can happen with people. The physical distance that is necessary to make you feel warm and comfortable. People who make you smile...people who make you believe in yourself. People who make you , you. The ones with the positive vibes, infectious enthusiasm, and the endless comfort around them....how can one not feel together with them? People you love, the slight touch, the tight hug, and the joyful banter...they also fit the idea of togetherness. 

But then there are also people with whom you spend more number of hours than anybody...and yet feel so lonely? The 1 + 1 never becomes 2 with them. You laugh. you smile. you hug. you cry. But there is a void. All emotions and feelings lack the meaning of being those. You are not true to them or the world. The void revolves around you; like death to a comatose. How can one replace that feeling? Will that be like - being together and not yet so? Can that be called togetherness?  

Will togetherness be all about - you and someone. or is something more. The loved feeling that pets give...people do not feel lonely with them in spite of them being mute. Because they can show emotions - warmth and love. Is this what humans want? The emotions and feelings more than words and conversations. 

I need my words....I need my conversations. And may be I need that someone to complete that togetherness...

And if I do not receive those, Would books come in handy at those times? Would some good music to my ears help?

I need...

An SLR

A new watch

Renault Duster

New Crocs

Cozy comforter

Great hair

Great body

Great skin

Happiness

excitement

8 hours of undisturbed sleep

A nice man

These 15 days to go soon...

....to quit my work!

Lady Luck!

Luck is a funny thing.

Ever eluding!

Or may be you are foolish to believe that you will have lady luck by your side, sometime...

Hasn't life's lessons taught you anything?

Stupid. Stupid me.

Can I grab her by the throat and shackle her with chains? 

But even for that, I need to find her once. Only then can I never let go off her...

Let's blame it on the social media...

Have not blogged since ages. Nope, nope...not because I did not have something to write about or things to share...or suffered from a difficulty to bare...

It is just that I got hooked on social media.

The small thoughts. The one-line jokes. The serious inspiring stories or the wonderful pictures that were aiding to weave stories --- they all clubbed together in the web of social media.

Most thoughts are finding way to that medium and dear blog is left unattended.

Let me revive some thoughts...let me stir up some stories. Let's hope I write something on this over the weekend!

If tears could build a stairway,
and memories were a lane,
I would walk right up to heaven
to bring u home again.
No farewell words were spoken
no tym to say goodbye
You were gone before I knew it,
and only God knows why.
My heart still aches in sadness
and secret tears still flow,
what it meant to lose you,
no one will ever know.....
MISS U VERY MUCH MOM....

Sawaal...

A limb vs English?

What would you give up on?